My Child

God has been teaching me peace over the last two weeks.  I last posted in a state of despair.  I was feeling so alone and forgotten.  And that's right where God met me.  He took my breaking heart and held it because I was no longer able to hold it myself.  Amazingly enough, He has been my portion.  Yeah, I know, I should have known that quite a long time ago, right?  Why is it so easy to forget?

This weekend - as I previously mentioned - was Women of Faith in Pittsburgh.  While it wasn't particularly refreshing or revelatory as I had hoped, it was a time of confirmation, of reassurance.  And it was a time of enlightenment.  There are many ways to be a "mother."  Obviously, you can become pregnant and carry a child to term.  There is always the option of adoption.  There is also the opportunity to be a "mother" figure.  I have a child, if only in my heart.  There is an organization called World Vision through which my husband and I are sponsoring a child.  We do not know if it is a boy or a girl or how old he/she is, but we do know the child is from Guatemala and desperately needs our support.  This, then, is my heart-child.  We will "meet" him or her in approximately six weeks, but until then, our prayers will carry this little one to heaven's throne. 

I pray my praises will also reach heaven's ears, for God is doing a new thing in my heart.  He has sent me peace.  I know in my soul that He is in control, and I rest in His embrace.  For that, may my words be as incense as this song exhibits:

Feeling a Bit Sorry for Myself

This is not going to be an inspirational or uplifting post.  I have been having a hard time over the last couple of weeks, despite being insanely busy.  Two weeks ago was my "ovulation date," and things happened as they should.  Hope is there as it always is, but I have stopped hanging all my hopes on one nail.  That nail is getting rusty and bent and can't take the weight.  If that nail falls, I would be devastated again, and there is just too much going on right now to take a moment of devastation, you know?  So I have taken to hanging only one hope on that nail per month. 

Anyways, I digress.  This week has been tough.  Of course, it's my PMS week, so everything is worse than normal.  Add a little absent husband (working in Canada, bachelor party in Atlantic City with his college buddies) and a dash of night-turn for me.  Simmer with a dash of food poisoning, no word on a job opportunity, and another pregnant friend; and just watch the kettle boil.

Yesterday I was scheduled for a 7PM-7AM shift at the hospital.  I woke up extremely nauseous but still planning on going into work.  Three hours later I was violently ill, and unable to go to work.  For the next three hours, I was sick and alone and lonely.  I called Brian, and he told me his friend - who just got married Memorial Day weekend - is already pregnant and due ~March.  Meaning, they got pregnant right away.  He told me because he thought I already knew, but I didn't.  It just made me feel worse...  To top it all off, I posted about being sick on facebook, and of course the first comment I get is a question about whether or not I'm pregnant.  So last night I threw myself a little pity party. 

I am feeling better this morning - both physically and emotionally - but I am still a bit down.  My period is due today.  I think once it comes I will be able to "readjust" and get past the emotional and hormonal turmoil.  Then I can stop being jealous and go back to being the happy supportive friend.  That's the Jenn that I like, not this sulky one. 

On a positive note, next weekend is Women of Faith.  Here's hoping for renewal and refreshment.  I know I could sure use some.