So glad that virus is history! The crazy part? I got it after clicking a link about Matthew West's song More. Just like in the movies, Firefox shut down; Windows was maimed, and I could not do anything without pop-ups appearing. So frustrating! I'll say it again; thank GOD for the wonderful men in my life!
In other news, we came to a decision. We decided to suspend IUI for the time being. I will enroll in classes on August 24. We'll continue with timing considerations for now.
I just wish I felt settled with this decision. Instead I feel decidedly UNsettled. I have so many thoughts and feelings rolling around in my brain, and I don't know from where they are coming. Some of them are purely selfish. I am giving up a vacation for our ten year anniversary. That's tough for me. Other thoughts are not. We are paying out of pocket for this, and it is going to be very tight. I am also afraid, terrified, really. Last time I was working and in school landed me on lexapro and in therapy because I couldn't drag myself out of bed. What if I can't handle this?
The thought/feeling that is forefront, though, I just identified this afternoon. There have been two distinct callings in my life from God that I have missed. The first was aborting my baby eleven years ago. The second was not going into mission work. What if this decision is the third? I really do not want to miss the boat on this. I know God is calling me to motherhood. I KNOW that. Is it foolish to not chase it with everything I have? Is it foolish to suspend medical intervention? Are we screwing up with this?
This pause will be good for us individually as well as together as a couple. The hubby is uncomfortable with IUI; he feels it may be a way to circumvent God. He's also feeling the pressure of guilt. I was destroyed last month. I am still recovering. We could use the break, but what if it's the wrong choice?
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