Someday Sunday - Dreams

A pixie comes with gossamer wings
To sit on my shoulder and tell me things.
She speaks of love and loss most grave
Of knights and ladies and the occasional knave.
She tells of a place where good always wins;
Where evil's defeated; true love never ends.
The more I hear the more I yearn,
But her time is up; she must return
To that place where she calls home.
With a flick of her wings, she's left me alone
In the still of the night, I am no longer miffed;
For along with her words, she's left me a gift.
When all is at rest, and the darkness is thick,
I feel in my chest my own little flick.
My heart has grown wings and eyes to behold
The beautiful land of which I've been told.

Someday Sunday - While I'm Waiting (a prayer)

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait 

Father, I'm waiting.  I am not waiting patiently - I must admit - but I am waiting.  I'm not so hopeful right now, either, but I am waiting.  Waiting is painful, Lord.  Waiting hurts.  I am waiting for my someday, but it seems as if it will never come.  When will the waiting end?  Will it end?

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience 

I don't know how, Lord.  I am trying to be obedient, but I have yet to master the bold and confident part.  I know it's not true, but I cannot help but feel like I have been left alone.  I know you are near, and I know you work in those you have called, but I have to wonder:  did David feel alone?  Did Daniel?  

While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait 

I have no control over whether or not I get pregnant.  I have no control over how long I wait.  I can wail and beg and sob, but I cannot change the waiting.  I can, however, change how I use that time.  I long to draw closer to You, to use this time to truly know You.  I can learn what you want me to be now and in the future.  Please draw me near; draw me under your shoulder.  Whisper secrets and plans in my ear.  Wrap me in Your embrace, and never let me go.  I love You, Father, and the more I know You - the more I know You love me.  Sometimes, though, after those precious moments I spend with You, it becomes easy to lose that relationship.  Please, weave my life into Your will; make me a living, breathing testament to You while I continue to wait.

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait

I am definitely not peaceful.  I desire Your peace more than anything - except for a child of my own.  But I am not peaceful yet.  I have not learned to equate waiting with peace.  I want my someday today, now.  My spirit is in a constant state of unrest.  Just when I think I have the peace thing nailed down, Lord, my world implodes.  And the longer I wait, the less peaceful I am.  Please leave Your peace for me.   

I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

While I am waiting, Father, I will serve.  I will worship.  I will draw near to You.  Please use me.  Please keep me.  And bring me to the place You want me.  Father, bring about Your will - even if it does not line up with mine.  Until then, I am waiting.

Lyrics taken from "While I'm Waiting" by John Waller 

Someday Sunday - Baby, Come Home

Baby, come home

Swing from the clouds

And into my arms

Dance on the raindrops

As they fall to the earth.

Please, baby, come home

Baby, come home

Ride a sunbeam

In its warm embrace

Soar with a blue bird

As its song fills the air

Please, baby, come home

Baby, come home

Rest in my arms

While I pull you close

Hear my heart beat

As it calls out your name

Please, baby, please, come home

Someday Sunday

“Someday” is a word of hope.  Believe it or not, an ad for a perfume sums it up pretty well:

“Someday is why we never say never.  It’s the reason we never give up, the reason we never give in.  It’s a place in our hearts that can’t be broken, where our dreams come true.  It’s the moment we’ll never let go.”

~ taken from an ad for Someday by Justin Bieber, 2011

I have to hand it to the marketing staff for that perfume.  That description is perfect.  It’s heavy with imagery, with emotion.  There is promise in “someday.”  Someday is magical.  Someday is heavy with dreams and plans.  

I dream of a little girl with dark brown hair that will love to jump around and get into things.  She'll love to explore and play and get into mischief.  She'll conquer the world - someday.

I also dream of a shy little boy who wants to be just like his father.  He'll want to be on the computer all the time, and I'll have to chase him out of the house to play.  He'll be reluctant but will eventually make friends with the neighborhood kids - someday.

I have plans of late-night feedings and walks in the park with a stroller.  I have plans to impart the magic of Christmas and Easter.  I can't wait to take my son or daughter out for the birthday, to celebrate the absolute joy of his/her birth.  I can't even wait until I have tons of diapers of which to dispose.  It will happen - someday.

 ²³ Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful.  

~Hebrews 10:23 NKJV

"Someday" Sunday - Love is Patient

Let's run away
Oblivious to the slipping time
Very soon dawn will break
Ending our brief interlude

If I just hold tight
Sleep may linger just a bit longer

Pleading desperately for five more minutes
Anxious for the dream to extend
The alarm tears you from my arms
I reach and grasp, but your cries fade
Efforts to hold you are in vain
Now all that's left are memories
That and the hope that someday dreams will become reality

"Someday" Sunday - Mother's Day Edition

Ahh, Mother's Day.  A time to reflect on the most important women in our lives:  those who gave us life and those who guided us in our lives.  My mother is amazing.  Here she is (along with my father):

Isn't she something?  This woman is solely responsible for the woman I am today.  We lived on a very modest income - hers, and hers alone.  My father didn't work.  But she fed us, clothed us, AND took us on vacation almost every year on less than $20,000 a year.  We didn't have the best or the most, but we had enough.  She scrimped and saved and planned for every penny.  Oh, and we never received money from the government.  I'll say it again....isn't she something?

Not only was she the breadwinner, but she was also the mechanic and the general handy-man.  She fixed everything - or, at least, she made it work.  She fixed our cars; she fixed our roofs.  She gardened.  About the only thing she didn't do was cook.  (Trust me, you didn't want her to.....)  ;)  Isn't she something?

Above and beyond the physical, she is - and always has been - my best friend.  She is fun and loving, but she's also stern and strong when she must be.  There were always consequences to bad decisions, but she was always there to support me through them and their aftermaths.  She was my biggest cheerleader, always believing that there was nothing I couldn't do.  She was there to pick up the pieces of my broken heart.  She cheered and danced at my wedding.  Isn't she something?

Someday, when I have a little one, I hope he or she looks at me like I look at my mom......I hope I will inspire the same awe.  I want him/her to say, "Isn't she something?"

C'mon, now, isn't she?

"Someday" Sunday - Pass it On

Love is an amazing thing.  The more you have, the more you want to give away.  You want to Pass it On...

What a wondrous time is spring, when all the trees are budding...

Spring is one of the most magical times of the year.  After a long, dark, cold season of death and hibernation, the sun begins to peek out from the clouds.  New life begins to grow.  Old life resurfaces.  The trees begin to bud.  And deep inside, desires begin to take shape.  It's been a long season without new life in this family.

The birds begin to sing; the flowers start their blooming...

The heralds of spring are the robins.  Their brightly-colored breasts burst onto a dreary world.  Their beautiful songs follow shortly thereafter.  Colors and shapes previously hidden splash across a gray landscape.  You laughter, your cries, your absolute joy will splash across our lives.

That's how it is with God's love.  Once you've experienced it...

I can't wait to share our Father's love with you.  It springs eternal and never slows.  Your earthly father and I will love you to distraction, but that is a mere taste of the love your Heavenly Father has.  Once you've experienced it, you life will never be the same.  I cannot wait to see your blossoming under His careful tending.

You want to sing; it's fresh like spring...

My heart will sing when I first hold you.  I will break my hibernation at that moment.  There is so much love between your father and I, but it will only grow when you join us.  Our love will multiply to a degree so much higher than we can imagine.  I cannot wait.  I want to pass it on.

********************

** Lyrics in maroon taken from song Pass It On by Kurt Kaiser.

"Someday" Sunday

I am a dreamer.  I imagine and hope and plan before anything ever materializes – in every part of my life.  Fertility and children are no different.  So, once a week, I’m going to dedicate this space to what will be “someday.”  I’m not sure what each Sunday will hold.  It may be a letter, a poem or even a simple daydream.  But Sundays will be a day to let my mind roam among the possibilities.

Today we’ll begin with a letter to my future child:

My dearest angel,

Hi, it’s Mommy.  Wow, I haven’t met you yet, but I cannot begin to tell you how much I love you already.  I smile each time I picture your tiny hands curled around my finger.  I keep trying to imagine what you will be like.  You’ll probably be a screamer.  I was.  I didn’t sleep or sit through church until I was six months old.  It’s only “fair” that I have a screamer, too.  At least, that’s what MY mom thinks. 

Who will you take after most?  Will you be fiery and passionate like your mother or calm and steadfast like your father?  Though it would make my job more difficult, I hope you are passionate.  I hope your every breath is filled with life.  I hope you chase every dream you have so that no matter what happens, at least you’ll be happy.  Just forgive me if I forget that I want you to dream.  I am sure there will be days that your dreams will work my nerves.  In those moments, just remember that I am trying to keep up with your dizzying aspirations.

There is such a huge world out there.  I cannot wait to introduce you to it.  That is, while you are still young and will let your mother have such a role.  There is so much to see, so much to do, so much to experience.  I pray that your life is over-filled with those experiences.

For now, though, just know that I cherish you.  I do not know you – yet – but I adore you.  I am endlessly beseeching the Father for you.  I wish you were here now, but I know when you arrive it will be the best time for everyone involved.  Until then………

Love,

Mom

******************

On a side note, I completed my first round of Clomid on Friday, and I learned a few things that the doctors do not tell you.  The “typical” side effects that are listed on the pamphlet were very mild.  I was pleasantly surprised.  First off, yes, Clomid makes you moody and irritable, but it wasn’t that extreme for me.  Either that, or I’m always a witch……But I would rather believe that I wasn’t *that* moody.  I did find the littlest things made me cry, but that happens when I get PMS, so no big deal.  I had the occasional headache, but again, it was similar to having PMS.  

 However, there were two side effects I was not expecting……The first was the acne.  Oh, my goodness, do I have acne.  I don’t think I have had this many zits since high school!  They’re on the right side of my chin, the middle of my chin, my left cheek, the bridge of my nose, and the little bit of skin above the cupid’s bow of my mouth.  Ick!  Of course, a couple are cystic, so they HURT, too!  I wonder how awful my face will be if I actually get pregnant!  

The second unexpected side effect is the “yeasty beasty.”  All I have to say is thank GOD for inspiring someone to discover/create diflucan.  I haven’t had a yeast infection in years (I used to get them all the time as a teenager), so I forgot how miserable they can be.  Thankfully, there’s a nice doctor at the hospital where I work that was willing to give me a script for diflucan.  Now if it will just kick in!  I wasn’t sure if I should attribute the acne and yeast infection to the Clomid (since they weren’t listed as side effects in the pamphlet or in my handy dandy drug guide for nurses) until I did a simple internet search. There are several cases similar to mine.  I don’t know if I should be relieved or worried.  Will I get a yeast infection with every course?  (provided, of course, that this round of IUI does not work)  I’d rather not think about that possibility.  Oh, and doctors, if you’re prescribing Clomid, warn your patients of that possibility!