Clomid, Round 2

I know, I'm a bit out of order, but I wanted to write my IUI blog while it was still fresh.  Leading up to that, though, was my second round of Clomid.  On the whole, this round was much easier.  There were much fewer zits (yay!) and no rampant fungal infection (BIG yay!).  I was, however, much more emotional.  I started the clomid Tuesday the 14th and continued it until Saturday the 18th.  Everything started making me weepy.  Between that and the debacle that was our trip home......  Let's just say I was happy when I got on a semi-even keel.  I say semi-even because I am still a bit weepy.

Since this round of clomid/IUI, the days are dragging.  These two weeks are crawling so slowly that I can see the weeds growing in my garden - millimeter by millimeter.  I am not a very patient person.  I just feel like I am in limbo, and limbo is not a very peaceful place to be.  Those two weeks between ovulation and the day your period is supposed to start are laden with "what ifs."  What if I'm pregnant?  I can't have caffeine if I am pregnant.  Can I dye my hair if I'm pregnant?  I can't go down to fluoroscopy (where we assist with procedures under xray) if I'm pregnant.  What if I refuse those things?  What do I say?  What excuse can I give?  I have done everything in my power to not have people discussing our baby situation.  In fact very few people in real life know that we have even been trying.  No matter what excuse I can imagine, people will talk.  Refusing coffee when I've been exhausted?  Not covering the sprout of gray at my right temple?  Refusing to do a part of my job without grounds?  And then there's always that other "what if."  What if I'm not pregnant?  *sigh*  I hate these two weeks.

On a side note, as for my previous blog on doubt, I know there will be days that I will feel hopeless.  What can I say?  I'm human, but I realized something.  The three gifts mentioned in 1 Corinthians 13 are faith, hope, and love.  These gifts are commonly treated as nouns - things - but they are words of intention, of action, as well.  Though I may *feel* hopeless, I can decide to hope.  Though I may doubt, I can choose to have faith.  In answer to my previous questions, I know God called me to be a mother.  I don't believe in coincidences; therefore, I cannot read too much into them.  And finally, even air is not thin if I am stepping out on faith.  Even if I fall, my Father's arms will catch me.

And like I said, I have a good feeling about this month.  Now can someone hurry up and invent a time machine so I can find out already? 

"Someday" Sunday

I am a dreamer.  I imagine and hope and plan before anything ever materializes – in every part of my life.  Fertility and children are no different.  So, once a week, I’m going to dedicate this space to what will be “someday.”  I’m not sure what each Sunday will hold.  It may be a letter, a poem or even a simple daydream.  But Sundays will be a day to let my mind roam among the possibilities.

Today we’ll begin with a letter to my future child:

My dearest angel,

Hi, it’s Mommy.  Wow, I haven’t met you yet, but I cannot begin to tell you how much I love you already.  I smile each time I picture your tiny hands curled around my finger.  I keep trying to imagine what you will be like.  You’ll probably be a screamer.  I was.  I didn’t sleep or sit through church until I was six months old.  It’s only “fair” that I have a screamer, too.  At least, that’s what MY mom thinks. 

Who will you take after most?  Will you be fiery and passionate like your mother or calm and steadfast like your father?  Though it would make my job more difficult, I hope you are passionate.  I hope your every breath is filled with life.  I hope you chase every dream you have so that no matter what happens, at least you’ll be happy.  Just forgive me if I forget that I want you to dream.  I am sure there will be days that your dreams will work my nerves.  In those moments, just remember that I am trying to keep up with your dizzying aspirations.

There is such a huge world out there.  I cannot wait to introduce you to it.  That is, while you are still young and will let your mother have such a role.  There is so much to see, so much to do, so much to experience.  I pray that your life is over-filled with those experiences.

For now, though, just know that I cherish you.  I do not know you – yet – but I adore you.  I am endlessly beseeching the Father for you.  I wish you were here now, but I know when you arrive it will be the best time for everyone involved.  Until then………

Love,

Mom

******************

On a side note, I completed my first round of Clomid on Friday, and I learned a few things that the doctors do not tell you.  The “typical” side effects that are listed on the pamphlet were very mild.  I was pleasantly surprised.  First off, yes, Clomid makes you moody and irritable, but it wasn’t that extreme for me.  Either that, or I’m always a witch……But I would rather believe that I wasn’t *that* moody.  I did find the littlest things made me cry, but that happens when I get PMS, so no big deal.  I had the occasional headache, but again, it was similar to having PMS.  

 However, there were two side effects I was not expecting……The first was the acne.  Oh, my goodness, do I have acne.  I don’t think I have had this many zits since high school!  They’re on the right side of my chin, the middle of my chin, my left cheek, the bridge of my nose, and the little bit of skin above the cupid’s bow of my mouth.  Ick!  Of course, a couple are cystic, so they HURT, too!  I wonder how awful my face will be if I actually get pregnant!  

The second unexpected side effect is the “yeasty beasty.”  All I have to say is thank GOD for inspiring someone to discover/create diflucan.  I haven’t had a yeast infection in years (I used to get them all the time as a teenager), so I forgot how miserable they can be.  Thankfully, there’s a nice doctor at the hospital where I work that was willing to give me a script for diflucan.  Now if it will just kick in!  I wasn’t sure if I should attribute the acne and yeast infection to the Clomid (since they weren’t listed as side effects in the pamphlet or in my handy dandy drug guide for nurses) until I did a simple internet search. There are several cases similar to mine.  I don’t know if I should be relieved or worried.  Will I get a yeast infection with every course?  (provided, of course, that this round of IUI does not work)  I’d rather not think about that possibility.  Oh, and doctors, if you’re prescribing Clomid, warn your patients of that possibility!