Here We Go Again...

Remember that fertility specialist we saw at the beginning of the summer?  Well, the recommendation was to try IUI again, this time with a higher dose of Clomid.

The hubby and I went on vacation from September 8 through the 15th, during which I took my third round of Clomid.  I'm happy to report that there were no yeast beasties or an attack of the killer zits this round.  Whew!  Also, amazingly enough, even with the increased dose of Clomid, I wasn't all that emotional.  

My ovulation predictor came up smiley last Thursday, so this specialist only wanted me to come in once - the next morning.  I have to say, the only part of the entire process that leaves a bad taste in my mouth is the option - the EXPECTATION - that my husband and I would not be coming together.  They recommended that I come two hours after my husband so that I wouldn't be waiting two hours while they washed the sperm.  Logistically, I can understand that, but humanly?  The process already sterilizes the experience enough without dividing the couple.  Needless to say, I went with him, and just waited.  I felt like I just had to.

Anyway, they did the wash, and apparently there were 12,000,000 strong and "directionally savvy" swimmers, which is a good number according to the doctor.  According to "Dr. Google," the minimum should be 10 million, so the number is good.  Not stellar, but good.

So far so good, right? There's one problem. And that's my emotions.  I have been entirely too excited this cycle. I'm hopeful, I'm thrilled, and I just have a feeling that this is the one.  The problem is, what if this isn't the one?  In that case, I'm headed for a crash that hasn't happened in years. And it won't be pretty.  But I just can't seem to temper my enthusiasm. And, as horrible as it is, I have seen too many "signs."

Psychologically, there have been two random and completely coincidental things that have gotten to me in the last week.  And yes, I know they are completely coincidental, but I can't seem to just laugh them off.  I don't have control over my positive emotions this month.  The first thing was a simple email newsletter from Jillian Michaels that I receive every day.  I went in for my IUI on Friday.  The very next day's newsletter's topic?  "Should I workout when I'm pregnant?"  Again, I know it's just a coincidence, but my heart leaped.  The second thing came from a nurse in the hospital that I haven't seen in months.  She saw me on the floor Tuesday and ran over to me in the station.  Very seriously, she said, "Jenn, I dreamed about you two nights ago."  I looked at her very strangely, and she continued to tell me that - in the dream - I was trying to teach them something low to the ground.  The problem was, I was "very pregnant" and was having a hard time bending over.  I must have looked a bit shocked, because the nurse then went on to say that she's been meaning to ask me if I was pregnant every since, because she's been known to have "ESP."  There were a few people around, and - like I said, I haven't seen this particular nurse in months and we're not close - so I just answered "not that I know of..."  Her response?  "Well, if you're not, you may be soon...  You might want to be careful..."  The entire exchange rattled me, and I still can't get it out of my head.  It was just so random.

Physically, there have been a couple things - all of which could definitely be attributed to the Clomid.  I haven't experienced them before, but as I started this post, I was on a higher dose of Clomid this month.  The first is the breast pain.  They seem to be permanently "at attention," and everything hurts.  Today was the first day that they were just overly tender as opposed to pain - and that does lend credence to the theory that it's just the Clomid - but from Sunday up through today, they have honestly HURT.  Secondly, Tuesday of this week, I experienced intense vertigo.  In fact, I was teaching a crisis prevention class all day, and I almost fell in front of my students.  The room just started spinning.  The entire day I was dizzy.  Finally, just over the last couple days, I have been experiencing mild cramping.  The timing is what gets me about the cramping.  From what I've read, the timing is off to attribute it to the Clomid AND the IUI itself.  It seems to be too "late" to be due to those two things.  Of course, given my mental state this month, my heart has grabbed onto that and is hoping against hope that it is implantation cramping.  But really, it could be anything.

Can you tell I have these two opposing voices in my head?  I'm both eagerly anticipating and dreading next week.  Because sometime next week is when I should know, either way.  I'm scared.  And excited.  And I just can't seem to rest in God's peace and control.  Any prayers you may spare would be highly appreciated.  I'll keep you posted...

Blessings.

Clomid, Round 2

I know, I'm a bit out of order, but I wanted to write my IUI blog while it was still fresh.  Leading up to that, though, was my second round of Clomid.  On the whole, this round was much easier.  There were much fewer zits (yay!) and no rampant fungal infection (BIG yay!).  I was, however, much more emotional.  I started the clomid Tuesday the 14th and continued it until Saturday the 18th.  Everything started making me weepy.  Between that and the debacle that was our trip home......  Let's just say I was happy when I got on a semi-even keel.  I say semi-even because I am still a bit weepy.

Since this round of clomid/IUI, the days are dragging.  These two weeks are crawling so slowly that I can see the weeds growing in my garden - millimeter by millimeter.  I am not a very patient person.  I just feel like I am in limbo, and limbo is not a very peaceful place to be.  Those two weeks between ovulation and the day your period is supposed to start are laden with "what ifs."  What if I'm pregnant?  I can't have caffeine if I am pregnant.  Can I dye my hair if I'm pregnant?  I can't go down to fluoroscopy (where we assist with procedures under xray) if I'm pregnant.  What if I refuse those things?  What do I say?  What excuse can I give?  I have done everything in my power to not have people discussing our baby situation.  In fact very few people in real life know that we have even been trying.  No matter what excuse I can imagine, people will talk.  Refusing coffee when I've been exhausted?  Not covering the sprout of gray at my right temple?  Refusing to do a part of my job without grounds?  And then there's always that other "what if."  What if I'm not pregnant?  *sigh*  I hate these two weeks.

On a side note, as for my previous blog on doubt, I know there will be days that I will feel hopeless.  What can I say?  I'm human, but I realized something.  The three gifts mentioned in 1 Corinthians 13 are faith, hope, and love.  These gifts are commonly treated as nouns - things - but they are words of intention, of action, as well.  Though I may *feel* hopeless, I can decide to hope.  Though I may doubt, I can choose to have faith.  In answer to my previous questions, I know God called me to be a mother.  I don't believe in coincidences; therefore, I cannot read too much into them.  And finally, even air is not thin if I am stepping out on faith.  Even if I fall, my Father's arms will catch me.

And like I said, I have a good feeling about this month.  Now can someone hurry up and invent a time machine so I can find out already? 

Where have I been?

Where have I been?  Hmm, that's a good question. 

Mentally, I've been on hiatus.  The telling of my story was very cathartic (and hopefully helpful to someone out in the interwebs) - yes - but it was also extremely draining.  My words seemed to dry up.  I cannot tell you how many unfinished blog entries are sitting on my computer right now.  I guess they will serve as fodder in the future.  I just needed a little time for my brain to recover.

Physically, I've been to Florida and back on vacation.  Last week was spent blissfully disconnected in a hotel in Orlando.  This was the view from our window:

And this little guy came to visit me frequently while I lay by the pool:

The week culminated in a trip here:

Yep, that's Hogwarts, part of the Wizarding World of Harry Potter at Universal Studios Islands of Adventure.  Did I mention I have a thing for fantasy?  Maybe I forgot.  I happen to be a HUGE Harry Potter fan, and this section of the park did NOT disappoint. 

I wish we could have stayed forever.  Unfortunately, we couldn't.  Our trip home was horrible.  Our flight was delayed and then eventually cancelled.  We didn't make it to the Taylor Swift concert for which I had tickets.  (Tickets, by the way that I bothered my mother to use her credit card so that I could buy them on presale.  Yeah, I wanted them THAT badly.  Anyone want to take me to another of her shows?  Pretty please?  With cherries on top?)

Then my car wouldn't start.  Turns out, if you leave your GPS plugged in for over a week while you are on vacation in paradise, your battery turns to mush.  Lesson learned.  Then the hubs got called to Chicago unexpectedly.  It was an interesting weekend. 

When you're stuck in the rut of seeing all these minor things happening, it's hard to notice something truly miraculous.  That is, until it smacks you upside the head.  Consider me smacked as of yesterday.  Yesterday was the day I was supposed to start testing for ovulation to set up for our second round of IUI.  I forgot to buy a kit when I was out on Tuesday, and I only had one strip left.  I truly debated on using it yesterday because 1) I am always so regular and I wasn't due to ovulate until Friday and 2)  I was scheduled to work till 11:30PM yesterday and wouldn't get a chance to buy another kit until this morning.  Then yesterday morning I forgot to pee on the stick until after it was too late, and I decided that the decision was made for me.  Somehow, though, I could NOT get it out of my head.  I truly believe God was poking me.  

I couldn't let it go, so one hour later (even though cognitively I knew that one hour was not enough time for the hormone to build up optimally), I peed on my last stick and just about fell on the floor when it came up positive - two days earlier than it should have.  All of a sudden there were several calls that had to be made and several things that had to work out "just so" in order to make it to the physician's office and work in the afternoon.  Amazingly enough, it all worked out.  God worked it all out.  The timing was impeccable.

Maybe it's wishful thinking; maybe I am just looking for something that is not there, but the fact remains that I should have missed yesterday, multiple times over, but I didn't.  That leaves me hopeful about this round.  It leaves me with a good feeling.  I'd appreciate any prayers you could spare.

Aside from the drama that was this week, it's good to be back.  I have missed you.

IUI Round 1

Friday the stick gave me a smiley face, so I called the doctor’s office to schedule my first intrauterine insemination for later that same afternoon.  I spent most of the day excited……and then.  Oh, there’s always a “then.”  As I’m driving to the hospital (their office is in the basement of a local hospital), I suddenly burst into tears.  No warning, no discernible reason.  Just tears.  Now, I’m normally a very logical person.  For me to just cry without warning, one of two things must happen:  1)  I have to be hormonal.  Think PMS.  2)  I have to be extremely stressed in some way.  Hmmm, I think option #2 about sums things up.  I pull into the parking lot and just sit for a minute.  The tears dry, and I pulled myself together – or so I thought.  I went into the hospital where I met Hubby, and we headed into the office.  The office was booming, and the doctor was insanely busy with patients in the office and the ER.  Our appointment was at 4:15; we didn’t get called until 5:15.  As soon as we went back into the exam room, I lost it again.  The room just seemed so cold and empty.  The bathroom was still institutional.  So I did what any sane woman would do……I panicked.  And that was apparently too much for the hubby.  So, again, we did what any normal couple would do……we fought.  Yep, we fought when we were supposed to be obtaining a sperm sample.  See that?  Still seems cold and clinical.  He said that he had been ok with the idea of artificial insemination up until the point I started crying.  Then he said that babies were meant to be made in the back seat of a Buick (his attempt at humor), not in a cold doctor’s office.  So there we stood, me with tears on my face and the hubby holding an empty specimen cup.  He turned around, went into the bathroom, came out several minutes later, handed me the cup, and then he left.  Yep, he LEFT me by myself……to face whatever came next BY MYSELF.  To say I was a mess would be an understatement. 

When I was finally called back the second time (an hour later…yeah, I was waiting, ALONE, for an hour), I was preoccupied enough to not feel much.  The procedure didn’t really hurt.  It felt like very mild cramps.  I made another appointment for the next morning and then – while I stayed on my back for at least fifteen minutes – called the only person I knew that might understand how I was feeling.  (Thanks, Tea!)  Another bout of tears later and I was on my way home.  I went to bed that night and tossed and turned all night.  When I did sleep, all I had were nightmares.  I was NOT looking forward to the next morning’s appointment.

The next morning I got up before the alarm and busied myself around the house until Hubby surfaced.  When he did, I cornered him and asked what we were going to do to make Saturday better than the previous night.  We came up with some strategies, and off we went – this time together.  This time, the room seemed less threatening.  This time, we took care of things together.  And this time, he stayed the entire time.  I was extremely glad of that when she started…..because this time, it HURT.  A LOT.  She said that the day before she hadn’t had to reposition my cervix, but she did Saturday morning.  Have you ever had someone tug on your cervix?  It’s not fun, believe me.  Believe it or not, I was still sore this morning.  Anyways, the prince I married was back and remained throughout the entire day, thankfully.  Now all I have to do is wait two weeks to find out if it worked.  These are going to be the longest two weeks ever.  And if it doesn’t work this time, the cycle is going to repeat.  And I have a sneaking suspicion that each time the waiting is going to be even longer.

Today's the Day! (Or at least one of them)

So, after diligently checking the stick (no, not the THAT one.....), I finally got the smiley face that I am ovulating.  YAY!  That means, when the office opens at ~9, I call them for a little appointment, and - as the hubby says - we "take the fun out of" making a baby.  I am excited and nervous all wrapped up into one.  My skin is tingling with anticipation.  Remember how I wasn't going to get my hopes up?  I think I have failed miserably at that one.  I would appreciate any prayers you could spare over the next two weeks.  Speaking of prayers, guess what today's devotion was.  Mathew 6:9-13 (NKJV):

⁹ In this manner, therefore, pray:

      Our Father in heaven,
      Hallowed be Your name.
       ¹⁰ Your kingdom come.
      Your will be done
      On earth as it is in heaven.
       ¹¹ Give us this day our daily bread.
       ¹² And forgive us our debts,
      As we forgive our debtors.
       ¹³ And do not lead us into temptation,
      But deliver us from the evil one.
      For Yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever. Amen.

Appropriate, no?  HIS will be done......