A Crisis of Faith

It may be simplistic to say that it has been a trying week.  Perhaps, it would be more appropriate to say it's been an extremely emotional week.  I've already explained some of the craziness, but I have to say the craziness has continued.

I have been in Minneapolis for work since Sunday afternoon, and let me just say, I was so grateful to be intermittently distracted by the conference...

I know it was entirely too early, but I decided to test on Monday anyways - just in case.  When I got the negative, honestly, it was no big deal.  After all, I KNEW it was too early.  But then yesterday happened, and all my peace and composure flew out the window.  One of my dearest and sweetest friends has been struggling with different issues with getting - and staying pregnant.  Last week a preliminary ultrasound showed some cause for concern yet again.  I have been praying nonstop for God to bless her and to miraculously place a baby where there appeared there was none.  She had another ultrasound yesterday, and she sent me the picture of the teeny tiny precious child.  I can't explain it; I was so excited that it was there, and I was so happy that this amazing woman was going to be a mother.  But I was also instantly broken and hysterical.  I can't help but wonder yet again: what about me?  Why doesn't God want ME to have a baby?  Will I ever have my own little one?  Why not me?  

I just wanted to indulge in a little self-pity, but at the same time, I hated myself for it.  What kind of a person turns happy news into a pity party?  What kind of a person takes someone else's joy and converts it into some twisted, perverse despair?

And then, this morning, another completely unrelated newsletter arrived in my email inbox - this one from Guideposts.  This week's Mysterious Ways story?  Yeah, it was about a woman who had spent two years in fertility treatment and was expecting her own little miracle now.  I have to be honest, my first thoughts were to lash out at God.  Was He really trying to encourage me, or was He truly just a cruel trickster that loved to play with my heart?  Again, I made it about me and my own pain.

Then again, I began to think back over the last few weeks.  I began to remember God's own messages to me about His identity.  Did I really think Him cruel?  No.  Did I really think it in His character to carelessly play with my heart?  No.  The reality check brought with it the reminders from this very week about how much He does truly care for me.  This conference has buoyed me with new friendships, new knowledge, and a whole lot of laughter.  It also brought the healing balm of the love of old friends.  At my very lowest over the last several days, He never left me there.  There was always someone there at the exact right time.  I hurt, and my heart broke.  But the pieces didn't scatter.  My loving Father was always ensuring that someone was there to collect them.  And THAT realization is what has gotten me through this latest crisis of faith.  No matter what happens this week, I know He will continue to carry me through - even if I may not see it at first.

Who do you say that I am?

Well, howdy there!  Did ya miss me?  I have missed you.  In fact, I've found myself looking back at old entries quite a bit over the last month or so.  I decided if I was going to look back, I might as well also start looking forward and start blogging again, especially with everything that's been swirling in my brain lately.

Most notably, have you ever felt like God gives you a "word"?  Something that He spends days, weeks, or months teaching you and drilling into your head?  Something meant just for you?

The word of the day today was "identity."  It all started when I opened my devotional book to today's scripture - Mark 8:27-30.  

The most important part, at least to me?  Verse 29:  He said to them,  “But who do you say that I am?” 

The hubby and I have been talking a lot about children again, specifically, trying again.  We went to see a fertility specialist in the city, and she ran all the old tests again.  This time, though, nothing came up as off or abnormal.  Nothing.  On either of our parts.  Which tell me, if it's not happening, there's only one reason:  God is closing my womb for a reason.  And I really don't know what to feel about that.  I don't know if I feel angry (sometimes), hurt (sometimes), disillusioned (often), or simply lost (also often).

"But who do you say that I am?”

My cousin is having a baby shower this Friday, and I can't skip it.  Obviously, she's my cousin, but we're also very close.  She has wanted children as long as I can remember.  She suffered through a failed marriage, some health issues, and now her current husband's health is precarious; but she was able to conceive and carry a child.  Even knowing everything she's been through, I still find myself jealous - jealous that her insurance covers IVF, jealous that she will have a little boy in just a few short months, even jealous of her morning sickness.  Don't get me wrong:  I am overjoyed that she is pregnant.  Like I said, she has ALWAYS wanted a child.  But part of me is a little green, nonetheless.

"But who do you say that I am?”

I say that my God is all-powerful.  He created worlds and separated dry land from seas.  He is also full of wrath.  He wiped the face of the earth with floodwaters; He stormed through the temple with anger; He condemns men to burn forever in the lake of fire.  He is also holy.  He cannot abide sin.  He does not allow mistakes or bad judgement in His presence.  He demands perfection.

But you know what?  I also say that my God is a God of love.  He created the perfect partner to man - from man - simply so that he wouldn't be alone.  He rescued His people time and again from slavery.  He blessed the tender hearts of a queen who would stand up to her husband on behalf of her people and a widow who had no way to provide for herself or her mother-in-law.  He is also merciful.  How easy would it have been to wipe out two human beings and just start over?  Instead he butchered an animal to cover their sins and allowed them live.  My God is also a giving God.  He provides whatever we need, even sending His own Son to die horribly to preserve the opportunity for us to spend our eternal lives with Him.  Finally, my God is a God with a plan.  He always works His plan out in His people - maybe not in their time or to their liking - but it always happens.  He is in control.  I am no exception to that rule, and for that, I am thankful.

Do You See Christ or the Wind?

The last time I was able to go to church (ugh, 3 weeks ago..... just writing that phrase makes me irritated with my job......but I digress), God truly used the sermon to touch my heart.  Other than the Great Commission, my favorite story in all the Gospels is the one found in Matthew 14:22-33 - when Jesus and Peter walk on the water.  However, until a few Sundays ago, I had no idea the amount you could learn in those twelve verses.  Oh, and the funny thing?  I don't think the sermon had anything to do with what I took away from it.  Ha ha.

First of all, it's comforting to know that even those closest to Jesus - those who actually walked and talked physically with Him had moments of doubt.  But what I didn't realize was that Peter's doubt didn't just start once he was already out on the water.  Verse 28 says "IF it is You, command me to come to you."  In other words, if You are who You say You are, give me a sign.  I'll do whatever You say, but I have to be sure it's You.  The crazy part?  Just before Peter makes this statement, Jesus had said "Be of good cheer!  It is I, do not be afraid."  I wonder if God ever gets tired of us asking for confirmation.  Does He ever get exasperated?  Does He ever feel like "I've told you time and time again....how many times do you need Me to repeat Myself????" 

Once Peter gets out on the water, I can imagine all sorts of thoughts running through his head.  I know what would be going through mine.  For instance:  "ok, I know Jesus is God; HE can walk on water, but who am I?  I am NOT God; I can't walk on water, can I?  Uh, Jesus?  You sure you wanted me to step onto this raging, churning sea?  You do realize the laws of physics, right?  I mean, You made them, so You should know them.  Wait, He called me; He won't let me drown.  One step, two steps.....yeah, we can do this.  Oh, God, I can't reach the boat anymore.  I can't go back!  If this isn't what He wanted me to do, I'm screwed!  I am going to die, right here, because of what I THOUGHT was God calling me to something.  Oh, my, I'm losing my balance....."  And right about that time is when I imagine Peter "seeing the wind."  He begins to sink, but instead of despairing, he finds his faith again and calls to Jesus "Lord, save me!"  He didn't say "Hey, guys on the boat, come back!" or "Throw me a life preserver!"  He didn't simply sink, resigned to his fate.  He didn't rant against Jesus for telling him to step out of the boat.  No, when it counted, he knew Who would save him.  He knew Who held his life.

I don't believe, now, that this story is a story of doubts.  I believe this story is a true, real-life accounting of faith.  Yeah, Peter had his doubts.  But what faith it took to step out of the boat!  And, DESPITE his doubts, what faith it took to reach out to Jesus.  And what faith it took to not "blame" Jesus for his own failings. 

Over the last year and a half I have been at all points in this story.  I have been gung-ho; I have been cautiously optimistic; I have questioned timing.  I have even questioned the call.  I have seen the wind and waves - or physiological barriers.  And I have called out to be rescued as I was sinking.  But my journey on the water is not complete.  It's just beginning.  I can only hope that after the fact, my story is one of faith - just like Peter's.

the god in my head

I was reading one of the blogs I follow (www.jonacuff.com/stuffchristianslike - check it out; you won’t be disappointed!) and was challenged by a recent post entitled “the god in our heads.”  In summary, the post contrasted the god in the writer’s head with the true God and found his self-contained god to be cold, unloving, and generally lacking in God-like qualities.  It’s a very thought-provoking post, one that caused me to evaluate my own perceptions.

I empathize with the commenter who made the observation that he tends to not expect great things so as to not be greatly disappointed.  I, too, tend to limit my expectations so as not to be let down.  Does that mean that I do not trust that my God is big enough to break all limitations?  Is the god in my head so small?  Or is he vindictive?  Does he enjoy pain?  Does he make promises only to break them so as to torture his children?  Is that really the god in my head?  Seeing it in print seems laughable, but if I am limiting my expectations, is that not what I am truly saying?  

If I truly believe that God has called me to be a mother – and I do – then why am I so depressed about missing IUI for the next several months to a year?  Is the content of my husband’s semen too insurmountable for God?  As anxious as I am, I think it’s too much for the god in my head.  However, I know the God who created the universe is so much bigger than that.  It’s time to evict the god in my head and to fully embrace the true God.

The true God is holy, loving, good, and merciful.  He is limitless and powerful.  He is a Father.  He’ll work it out.  I must simply believe and rest in His promises.

What does the god in YOUR head look like?

Clomid, Round 2

I know, I'm a bit out of order, but I wanted to write my IUI blog while it was still fresh.  Leading up to that, though, was my second round of Clomid.  On the whole, this round was much easier.  There were much fewer zits (yay!) and no rampant fungal infection (BIG yay!).  I was, however, much more emotional.  I started the clomid Tuesday the 14th and continued it until Saturday the 18th.  Everything started making me weepy.  Between that and the debacle that was our trip home......  Let's just say I was happy when I got on a semi-even keel.  I say semi-even because I am still a bit weepy.

Since this round of clomid/IUI, the days are dragging.  These two weeks are crawling so slowly that I can see the weeds growing in my garden - millimeter by millimeter.  I am not a very patient person.  I just feel like I am in limbo, and limbo is not a very peaceful place to be.  Those two weeks between ovulation and the day your period is supposed to start are laden with "what ifs."  What if I'm pregnant?  I can't have caffeine if I am pregnant.  Can I dye my hair if I'm pregnant?  I can't go down to fluoroscopy (where we assist with procedures under xray) if I'm pregnant.  What if I refuse those things?  What do I say?  What excuse can I give?  I have done everything in my power to not have people discussing our baby situation.  In fact very few people in real life know that we have even been trying.  No matter what excuse I can imagine, people will talk.  Refusing coffee when I've been exhausted?  Not covering the sprout of gray at my right temple?  Refusing to do a part of my job without grounds?  And then there's always that other "what if."  What if I'm not pregnant?  *sigh*  I hate these two weeks.

On a side note, as for my previous blog on doubt, I know there will be days that I will feel hopeless.  What can I say?  I'm human, but I realized something.  The three gifts mentioned in 1 Corinthians 13 are faith, hope, and love.  These gifts are commonly treated as nouns - things - but they are words of intention, of action, as well.  Though I may *feel* hopeless, I can decide to hope.  Though I may doubt, I can choose to have faith.  In answer to my previous questions, I know God called me to be a mother.  I don't believe in coincidences; therefore, I cannot read too much into them.  And finally, even air is not thin if I am stepping out on faith.  Even if I fall, my Father's arms will catch me.

And like I said, I have a good feeling about this month.  Now can someone hurry up and invent a time machine so I can find out already?