My Child

God has been teaching me peace over the last two weeks.  I last posted in a state of despair.  I was feeling so alone and forgotten.  And that's right where God met me.  He took my breaking heart and held it because I was no longer able to hold it myself.  Amazingly enough, He has been my portion.  Yeah, I know, I should have known that quite a long time ago, right?  Why is it so easy to forget?

This weekend - as I previously mentioned - was Women of Faith in Pittsburgh.  While it wasn't particularly refreshing or revelatory as I had hoped, it was a time of confirmation, of reassurance.  And it was a time of enlightenment.  There are many ways to be a "mother."  Obviously, you can become pregnant and carry a child to term.  There is always the option of adoption.  There is also the opportunity to be a "mother" figure.  I have a child, if only in my heart.  There is an organization called World Vision through which my husband and I are sponsoring a child.  We do not know if it is a boy or a girl or how old he/she is, but we do know the child is from Guatemala and desperately needs our support.  This, then, is my heart-child.  We will "meet" him or her in approximately six weeks, but until then, our prayers will carry this little one to heaven's throne. 

I pray my praises will also reach heaven's ears, for God is doing a new thing in my heart.  He has sent me peace.  I know in my soul that He is in control, and I rest in His embrace.  For that, may my words be as incense as this song exhibits:

Feeling a Bit Sorry for Myself

This is not going to be an inspirational or uplifting post.  I have been having a hard time over the last couple of weeks, despite being insanely busy.  Two weeks ago was my "ovulation date," and things happened as they should.  Hope is there as it always is, but I have stopped hanging all my hopes on one nail.  That nail is getting rusty and bent and can't take the weight.  If that nail falls, I would be devastated again, and there is just too much going on right now to take a moment of devastation, you know?  So I have taken to hanging only one hope on that nail per month. 

Anyways, I digress.  This week has been tough.  Of course, it's my PMS week, so everything is worse than normal.  Add a little absent husband (working in Canada, bachelor party in Atlantic City with his college buddies) and a dash of night-turn for me.  Simmer with a dash of food poisoning, no word on a job opportunity, and another pregnant friend; and just watch the kettle boil.

Yesterday I was scheduled for a 7PM-7AM shift at the hospital.  I woke up extremely nauseous but still planning on going into work.  Three hours later I was violently ill, and unable to go to work.  For the next three hours, I was sick and alone and lonely.  I called Brian, and he told me his friend - who just got married Memorial Day weekend - is already pregnant and due ~March.  Meaning, they got pregnant right away.  He told me because he thought I already knew, but I didn't.  It just made me feel worse...  To top it all off, I posted about being sick on facebook, and of course the first comment I get is a question about whether or not I'm pregnant.  So last night I threw myself a little pity party. 

I am feeling better this morning - both physically and emotionally - but I am still a bit down.  My period is due today.  I think once it comes I will be able to "readjust" and get past the emotional and hormonal turmoil.  Then I can stop being jealous and go back to being the happy supportive friend.  That's the Jenn that I like, not this sulky one. 

On a positive note, next weekend is Women of Faith.  Here's hoping for renewal and refreshment.  I know I could sure use some. 

Sanctuary

Lord prepare me to be a sanctuary,
Pure and holy, tried and true,
With thanksgiving, I'll be a living
Sanctuary for You

I have always loved this song.  It’s simple yet beautiful.  However, like many worship choruses, after a blazing run in popularity, it has faded into obscurity.  I started thinking on it this weekend.  I am one that if I am singing something, it had better be true.  Words are my lifeblood:  if they are spoken or written, I had better mean them.  Just ask my husband.  I can’t decide if I like a song on the radio or not until I have heard all the lyrics.  The melody, bass, or harmonies can be amazing, but if the lyrics do not reflect my heart in some way, I could do without the song.

So what does this song mean?  What is a sanctuary?  According to dictionary.com, a sanctuary is a “sacred or holy place” or a place “where fugitives were entitled to immunity.”  In other words, a sanctuary is a safe place where God dwells.  I would like to think that my heart meets those requirements.  It holds so many secrets – so many desires – deep inside and safe.  And I know my Lord lives there.  But is it holy?  Is it pure?  No, it is not.  I try.  I find myself falling at my Savior’s feet, begging for His heart to replace my own, but in all reality, my heart is still selfish, still human. 

And if I'm holy, as You are holy,
Then I'll see You, face to face.
Melt and mold me into Your image,
Take me to Your holy place.

What does it mean to be holy?  The college that I attended had “Holiness Unto the Lord” carved into its altar.  It was set apart, dedicated in whole to a God Who called us to such a life.  We are to be so holy that we are set apart. 

This last month – without the hustle and bustle of fertility treatments or worrying if I could be pregnant or not – has been a relief.  It’s been a sort of calm.  I have spent the time in preparation, if you will.  My healthy eating habits and hardcore exercise (if I’m not sweating buckets, I don’t feel like I’ve worked hard enough……) have returned.  My devotional time is more about spending time with a dear Friend and less about petitioning Him for a baby.  This weekend, preparation has been a huge theme for me.  I want a baby, yes, but I am not ready for one.  My husband is not ready for one.  That is hard to type and even harder to accept, but it is true.  This time – forced on me by our lack of excess funds – is a time of preparation.  I will use it as preparation for motherhood, yes, but most of all, I will use it as preparation to be a “sacred or holy place” that is honoring to my God. 

Lord prepare me to be a sanctuary,
Pure and holy, tried and true,
With thanksgiving, I'll be a living
Sanctuary for You

Do You See Christ or the Wind?

The last time I was able to go to church (ugh, 3 weeks ago..... just writing that phrase makes me irritated with my job......but I digress), God truly used the sermon to touch my heart.  Other than the Great Commission, my favorite story in all the Gospels is the one found in Matthew 14:22-33 - when Jesus and Peter walk on the water.  However, until a few Sundays ago, I had no idea the amount you could learn in those twelve verses.  Oh, and the funny thing?  I don't think the sermon had anything to do with what I took away from it.  Ha ha.

First of all, it's comforting to know that even those closest to Jesus - those who actually walked and talked physically with Him had moments of doubt.  But what I didn't realize was that Peter's doubt didn't just start once he was already out on the water.  Verse 28 says "IF it is You, command me to come to you."  In other words, if You are who You say You are, give me a sign.  I'll do whatever You say, but I have to be sure it's You.  The crazy part?  Just before Peter makes this statement, Jesus had said "Be of good cheer!  It is I, do not be afraid."  I wonder if God ever gets tired of us asking for confirmation.  Does He ever get exasperated?  Does He ever feel like "I've told you time and time again....how many times do you need Me to repeat Myself????" 

Once Peter gets out on the water, I can imagine all sorts of thoughts running through his head.  I know what would be going through mine.  For instance:  "ok, I know Jesus is God; HE can walk on water, but who am I?  I am NOT God; I can't walk on water, can I?  Uh, Jesus?  You sure you wanted me to step onto this raging, churning sea?  You do realize the laws of physics, right?  I mean, You made them, so You should know them.  Wait, He called me; He won't let me drown.  One step, two steps.....yeah, we can do this.  Oh, God, I can't reach the boat anymore.  I can't go back!  If this isn't what He wanted me to do, I'm screwed!  I am going to die, right here, because of what I THOUGHT was God calling me to something.  Oh, my, I'm losing my balance....."  And right about that time is when I imagine Peter "seeing the wind."  He begins to sink, but instead of despairing, he finds his faith again and calls to Jesus "Lord, save me!"  He didn't say "Hey, guys on the boat, come back!" or "Throw me a life preserver!"  He didn't simply sink, resigned to his fate.  He didn't rant against Jesus for telling him to step out of the boat.  No, when it counted, he knew Who would save him.  He knew Who held his life.

I don't believe, now, that this story is a story of doubts.  I believe this story is a true, real-life accounting of faith.  Yeah, Peter had his doubts.  But what faith it took to step out of the boat!  And, DESPITE his doubts, what faith it took to reach out to Jesus.  And what faith it took to not "blame" Jesus for his own failings. 

Over the last year and a half I have been at all points in this story.  I have been gung-ho; I have been cautiously optimistic; I have questioned timing.  I have even questioned the call.  I have seen the wind and waves - or physiological barriers.  And I have called out to be rescued as I was sinking.  But my journey on the water is not complete.  It's just beginning.  I can only hope that after the fact, my story is one of faith - just like Peter's.

Still Here

I am still here, and I have a ton of things to write, but every time I sit down and put fingers to keys, the words just disappear.  Thanks for bearing with me!

the god in my head

I was reading one of the blogs I follow (www.jonacuff.com/stuffchristianslike - check it out; you won’t be disappointed!) and was challenged by a recent post entitled “the god in our heads.”  In summary, the post contrasted the god in the writer’s head with the true God and found his self-contained god to be cold, unloving, and generally lacking in God-like qualities.  It’s a very thought-provoking post, one that caused me to evaluate my own perceptions.

I empathize with the commenter who made the observation that he tends to not expect great things so as to not be greatly disappointed.  I, too, tend to limit my expectations so as not to be let down.  Does that mean that I do not trust that my God is big enough to break all limitations?  Is the god in my head so small?  Or is he vindictive?  Does he enjoy pain?  Does he make promises only to break them so as to torture his children?  Is that really the god in my head?  Seeing it in print seems laughable, but if I am limiting my expectations, is that not what I am truly saying?  

If I truly believe that God has called me to be a mother – and I do – then why am I so depressed about missing IUI for the next several months to a year?  Is the content of my husband’s semen too insurmountable for God?  As anxious as I am, I think it’s too much for the god in my head.  However, I know the God who created the universe is so much bigger than that.  It’s time to evict the god in my head and to fully embrace the true God.

The true God is holy, loving, good, and merciful.  He is limitless and powerful.  He is a Father.  He’ll work it out.  I must simply believe and rest in His promises.

What does the god in YOUR head look like?

Decision Time

So glad that virus is history!  The crazy part?  I got it after clicking a link about Matthew West's song More.  Just like in the movies, Firefox shut down; Windows was maimed, and I could not do anything without pop-ups appearing.  So frustrating!  I'll say it again; thank GOD for the wonderful men in my life!

In other news, we came to a decision.  We decided to suspend IUI for the time being.  I will enroll in classes on August 24.  We'll continue with timing considerations for now.

I just wish I felt settled with this decision.  Instead I feel decidedly UNsettled.  I have so many thoughts and feelings rolling around in my brain, and I don't know from where they are coming.  Some of them are purely selfish.  I am giving up a vacation for our ten year anniversary.  That's tough for me.  Other thoughts are not.  We are paying out of pocket for this, and it is going to be very tight.  I am also afraid, terrified, really.  Last time I was working and in school landed me on lexapro and in therapy because I couldn't drag myself out of bed.  What if I can't handle this?

The thought/feeling that is forefront, though, I just identified this afternoon.  There have been two distinct callings in my life from God that I have missed.  The first was aborting my baby eleven years ago.  The second was not going into mission work.  What if this decision is the third?  I really do not want to miss the boat on this.  I know God is calling me to motherhood.  I KNOW that.  Is it foolish to not chase it with everything I have?  Is it foolish to suspend medical intervention?  Are we screwing up with this?

This pause will be good for us individually as well as together as a couple.  The hubby is uncomfortable with IUI; he feels it may be a way to circumvent God.  He's also feeling the pressure of guilt.  I was destroyed last month.  I am still recovering.  We could use the break, but what if it's the wrong choice?

Stupid Virus

Was unable to post Sunday through today (erm, yesterday at this point) due to a wonderful virus that laid siege to my computer.  Thankfully I have an engineer hubby and his programmer best friend......  The virus is gone, and I have my computer back!  There will be a post later today thanks to their wonderful skills.

Let's hear it for the boys!

Pain, Brokenness, and a Decision

I have spent the last eight days in a state of turmoil.  To be precise, I have been intermittently hysterical - even to the point of hyperventilation.  Wednesday night marked my first night terror in ten years.  I woke up from a horrible dream in which each of the fingers of my right hand had been drilled, and my skull had been drilled from the jaw upwards.  When I woke up, I couldn't feel my fingers or my teeth.  I could not breathe.  I could not relax.  All I could do was sob and run my tongue over my teeth and feel my fingers to ensure they were still intact.

TOM showed up the next day.

This time felt like my insides became my outsides, and the ensuing storm stirred up such raging emotions that can only be described as heart-wrenching loss.  So many things had me convinced that I would be pregnant.  Even the hubby thought "things were happening."  (His exact words)  When they weren't - when I wasn't - the world just tumbled down.  My hopes were more than "up."  My heart was set on this child that never even existed.  And now I am grieving the loss, even though there wasn't even something to lose. 

To top it all off, the hubby is under tremendous stress at work.  It came to a head Sunday evening when all of his stresses just came spewing out.  And one of them?  Despite my best attempts at redirecting responsibility, hubby still feels "at fault."  He is also having qualms about using birth control for the first 7.5 years of our marriage (I had an IUD).  He is wondering if we are being punished for attempting to wrest control from God and His timing.  Is there any way he could be right?

This keeps getting harder and more painful......and that brings me to the decision part.  I am a nurse with a critical care certification, but I do not have a bachelor's degree.  I can get my degree in 13 months or less.  We figured out a budget so that we would not have to take out a loan for me to finish, but in order to do it, we would have to forgo any further IUI treatments until next year.  Also, our anniversary trip that we were tossing around for our 10th anniversary next year would be tossed right out the window.  SO many emotions are wrapped up in this decision.  I would have my degree which I should have had quite awhile ago.  It would be nice to take a break from the monthly pressure cooker in which my heart has been housed.  But at the same time, it adds an entire year to our ages and consequently decreases our combined fertility.  I am having a hard time with this decision.  In truth, I'm just having a hard time in general.

Someday Sunday - While I'm Waiting (a prayer)

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait 

Father, I'm waiting.  I am not waiting patiently - I must admit - but I am waiting.  I'm not so hopeful right now, either, but I am waiting.  Waiting is painful, Lord.  Waiting hurts.  I am waiting for my someday, but it seems as if it will never come.  When will the waiting end?  Will it end?

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience 

I don't know how, Lord.  I am trying to be obedient, but I have yet to master the bold and confident part.  I know it's not true, but I cannot help but feel like I have been left alone.  I know you are near, and I know you work in those you have called, but I have to wonder:  did David feel alone?  Did Daniel?  

While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait 

I have no control over whether or not I get pregnant.  I have no control over how long I wait.  I can wail and beg and sob, but I cannot change the waiting.  I can, however, change how I use that time.  I long to draw closer to You, to use this time to truly know You.  I can learn what you want me to be now and in the future.  Please draw me near; draw me under your shoulder.  Whisper secrets and plans in my ear.  Wrap me in Your embrace, and never let me go.  I love You, Father, and the more I know You - the more I know You love me.  Sometimes, though, after those precious moments I spend with You, it becomes easy to lose that relationship.  Please, weave my life into Your will; make me a living, breathing testament to You while I continue to wait.

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait

I am definitely not peaceful.  I desire Your peace more than anything - except for a child of my own.  But I am not peaceful yet.  I have not learned to equate waiting with peace.  I want my someday today, now.  My spirit is in a constant state of unrest.  Just when I think I have the peace thing nailed down, Lord, my world implodes.  And the longer I wait, the less peaceful I am.  Please leave Your peace for me.   

I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

While I am waiting, Father, I will serve.  I will worship.  I will draw near to You.  Please use me.  Please keep me.  And bring me to the place You want me.  Father, bring about Your will - even if it does not line up with mine.  Until then, I am waiting.

Lyrics taken from "While I'm Waiting" by John Waller