Who do you say that I am?

Well, howdy there!  Did ya miss me?  I have missed you.  In fact, I've found myself looking back at old entries quite a bit over the last month or so.  I decided if I was going to look back, I might as well also start looking forward and start blogging again, especially with everything that's been swirling in my brain lately.

Most notably, have you ever felt like God gives you a "word"?  Something that He spends days, weeks, or months teaching you and drilling into your head?  Something meant just for you?

The word of the day today was "identity."  It all started when I opened my devotional book to today's scripture - Mark 8:27-30.  

The most important part, at least to me?  Verse 29:  He said to them,  “But who do you say that I am?” 

The hubby and I have been talking a lot about children again, specifically, trying again.  We went to see a fertility specialist in the city, and she ran all the old tests again.  This time, though, nothing came up as off or abnormal.  Nothing.  On either of our parts.  Which tell me, if it's not happening, there's only one reason:  God is closing my womb for a reason.  And I really don't know what to feel about that.  I don't know if I feel angry (sometimes), hurt (sometimes), disillusioned (often), or simply lost (also often).

"But who do you say that I am?”

My cousin is having a baby shower this Friday, and I can't skip it.  Obviously, she's my cousin, but we're also very close.  She has wanted children as long as I can remember.  She suffered through a failed marriage, some health issues, and now her current husband's health is precarious; but she was able to conceive and carry a child.  Even knowing everything she's been through, I still find myself jealous - jealous that her insurance covers IVF, jealous that she will have a little boy in just a few short months, even jealous of her morning sickness.  Don't get me wrong:  I am overjoyed that she is pregnant.  Like I said, she has ALWAYS wanted a child.  But part of me is a little green, nonetheless.

"But who do you say that I am?”

I say that my God is all-powerful.  He created worlds and separated dry land from seas.  He is also full of wrath.  He wiped the face of the earth with floodwaters; He stormed through the temple with anger; He condemns men to burn forever in the lake of fire.  He is also holy.  He cannot abide sin.  He does not allow mistakes or bad judgement in His presence.  He demands perfection.

But you know what?  I also say that my God is a God of love.  He created the perfect partner to man - from man - simply so that he wouldn't be alone.  He rescued His people time and again from slavery.  He blessed the tender hearts of a queen who would stand up to her husband on behalf of her people and a widow who had no way to provide for herself or her mother-in-law.  He is also merciful.  How easy would it have been to wipe out two human beings and just start over?  Instead he butchered an animal to cover their sins and allowed them live.  My God is also a giving God.  He provides whatever we need, even sending His own Son to die horribly to preserve the opportunity for us to spend our eternal lives with Him.  Finally, my God is a God with a plan.  He always works His plan out in His people - maybe not in their time or to their liking - but it always happens.  He is in control.  I am no exception to that rule, and for that, I am thankful.

30 Days Until Christmas

I made a commitment yesterday.  I realized that the countdown from today until Christmas is exactly thirty days.  What can happen in 30 days?  I am hoping that renewed passion can happen in thirty days.  I miss the intensity of my Savior's embrace.  So that commitment?  It's to really dig in, to dig deep and really reacquaint myself with the amazing God of the universe before the world celebrates His birth.

From today until Christmas, I will be following this plan.  I may not post here every day, but I do plan to post most days.  It'll keep me honest, and it will help me digest what I'm reading.  So, you ready?

Day 1:  John 1:1-2:11 and Proverbs 1 

It struck me for the first time today that John was a bit of a wordsmith.  In the opening verses of the book, John manipulates the words "Word" and "Light" in such ways that while struggling not to quote such familiar passages, it can actually be difficult to read.  From there, we are briefly introduced to John the Baptist and Jesus's disciples.  The passage then terminates in the story of Jesus turning water to wine. 

Interestingly enough, I get this mental picture of Jesus being a grown-up version of a petulant child at the wedding.  His mother comes to him with the disturbing realization that there is no more wine.  Jesus's response?  Basically a big "so what?"  Instead of admonishing Him, though, she simply turns to the servants and instructs them to do whatever it is he tells them to do.  She knew He would not leave her stranded.  She knew He would follow through.  And He did. 

There is one more part to this story I never realized:  this miracle was for no one but the disciples.  No one but the servants and the disciples knew what He did.  The "master of ceremonies" certainly had no idea where the wine came from.  Even Mary didn't stick around to watch the miracle.  Only the disciples were there, and this one small miracle caused them to believe.  He did not want to call attention to Himself as His "time had not yet come."  But He did this one thing for those He valued most on the earth, for the chosen few with whom He surrounded Himself.

I have two thoughts on this passage from Proverbs.  The first is that I love how Solomon paints Wisdom as female.  hehe.  The second is the fact that we are warned of our own destruction.  We see it coming.  We know when something is perilous, but whether because of pride or curiosity, we do it anyways.  Are we really so dim?  I know I am.  I see the shiny surface of something and never look at the ugly rough underside.  I fall for it every time.  So where does that leave me?  What do I take away from these passages? 

I think my takeaway is the idea that Jesus loves deeply.  Even when things happen "early" (or late), He steps up to rescue the day if we only seek Him out.  And if we truly believe He will save the day.  Also, He is not above the simple miracles for those that follow Him, especially those that leave everything in a step of faith.  He gave the disciples a glimpse of who He is.  Their faith was rewarded.  There's that theme again.......  Faith and faithfulness.  And what is faithfulness if not avoiding known pitfalls?  He's there, waiting to back us up, to lead us away from peril, and to reward our simple faith.

Did you take anything else away?

Blessings

Call to Prayer

Grains of Sand

Tiny sparkling diamonds,
The result of years of polishing by an unrelenting master.
Thrown carelessly on the shore.
Tossed aside only to be pulled back.

I cup my hands around the stunning beauty
Trying so hard to hold their glitter in my grasp
But along with the water, the sand seeps through my fingers
A few tiny grains remain
The only hopes and dreams I have left. 

This is a call to prayer for a few lovely ladies for whom my heart is heavy - and who can understand the above sentiment.  Each of them has suffered a miscarriage (or more) in the past, and each is currently in the early stages of another pregnancy.  Please join me in prayer for their tender, fragile hearts as well as for the child growing within them.  Let's all agree in prayer for peace, health, and a successful pregnancy for each of them.  Can we do that?

Roller Coaster

The title says it all for this week....it has been an intense roller coaster from start to finish.

Remember how I was supposed to start my new job after the first of the year?  Well, that was supposed to take place this coming Monday (January 9).  My current boss has been - for lack of a better description - bitter and unprofessional and even immature about the entire change.  She has made comments to the effect of "I didn't even know it was posted," or "I didn't even know you were looking," or "I didn't even know that position existed," etc.  And those were the ones to my face.......  Anyways, fast forward to this week.  She put the schedule out Monday, January 2 (the one that starts January 8), and not only am I still full-time on her schedule, but I am full-time NIGHTS.  Four weeks of straight night-turn.....and then when I asked her about it, she said she had to do it.....oh, and when I do go to one day a week on the ICU, she expected that day to always be a weekend day!  I panicked.  I called the hubby, sobbing and hyperventilating.  You see, when I suffered from depression, my biggest trigger is not sleeping.  And I can't sleep during the day for more than a couple hours at a time.  And I have never done more than five night shifts in one schedule - even when I was a brand-new nurse.  This month is NOT going to be fun.  And then working every weekend?  I would never get to spend time with my hubby!  Once I calmed down and got some sleep, I called my "new" boss and requested a meeting.

That same day, my trailblazer developed a nasty thumping in the front end.....forty miles from home.  I nursed it home and then to the dealer for evaluation.  Their first impression was something was wrong with the differential.  And our warranty expired December 11, 2011.

And hubby was out of town again.  Here's me:

Finally met with my new boss Friday afternoon.  I didn't even get a single word out when she asked me what my upcoming schedule looked like.  I told her I was scheduled for four weeks of nights.  She was surprised.  I told her that I knew that the schedule could not be changed at this point, but I was concerned regarding the weekend days.  She looked right at me and said, "Here's what we are going to do.  I am going to tell ____ (my current boss) that there has been a change and that after this schedule, you will no longer be working for her at all.  You will be full-time as an educator."  Just in case I was unclear on what that meant, she elaborated that it meant Mon-Fri daylight - no weekends or holidays.  I am pretty sure my jaw hit the floor.  They had told me there was no full-time availability......apparently that had changed.  Not only will I get to see my hubby on weekends now, but I will get to see him during the week every night now!!

And my trailblazer?  Apparently the roller bearings fell out.  I have no idea what that means (I know nothing about cars), but they fixed it.  AND because it was less than a month since the warranty ran out and because we buy so many vehicles from them, they fixed it "under warranty"!

And hubby got to come home late last night.  Now, here's me:

So, the next few weeks are going to be tough, but they have an end date.  February 1st is coming.....

So, um, yeah.....that worked. *Laugh*

Well, that whole idea of posting at least twice a week?  Really really had good intentions written all over that one, and you know what they say about good intentions......  Really, though, December was a tough month - in just about every way.  The hubby was still gone, I had loads of papers due (the equivalent of having mid-terms in online classes, I think), I had to prepare for Christmas (my family came to our house), oh - and two more friends are pregnant.  Two very CLOSE friends are pregnant, and it's been hard to process.

Friend one is one of the most adorable, sweetest women I have ever met.  She is going to be a PHENOMENAL mother.  In fact, I hope her children realize just how lucky they are.  She's kind, funny, brilliant, and compassionate.  I could not be happier for her - apart from myself.  And therein lies the difficulty.  I have always been good at compartmentalizing, and in this instance, I am glad of that trait.  Because when I am with her, I can be joyful for her.  I can rejoice in the absolute sweet surprisingness of it.  But when I am alone, I am jealous.  And then angry at myself for my jealousy.  Angry because it was a surprise, an amazing one for her.  Angry because she is going to have a difficult few months coming up for various reasons.  Yet my righteous anger does not erase the self-pity that I experience.  I wish I could get a handle on that.  No, I NEED to get a handle on that.  As I get older, more friends will get pregnant.  And more will have multiple children.  What if I get to the point of deciding some of those friends don't "deserve" children more than me?  Will I become bitter?  I can't; I mustn't.  Any great suggestions out there?  For now, I will just keep being happy for those who are blessed. 

Friend two is a different situation altogether.  This friend and I have been close for a decade.  Somehow or other, though, we haven't talked since July.  Finally on Christmas day, she sent me a message via Facebook that gave at least part of the answer.  She's had a difficult time with her children, and she's pregnant again, and she was afraid to tell me.  So her solution to all that was to just not talk to me - to avoid my phone calls, texts, and messages.  What am I supposed to do with that?  How am I supposed to react?  I have never held back excitement for her - not when I didn't want children when she was pregnant with her first two and not when I did and she was pregnant with her third.  Why would she suddenly decide to disappear?  This friend means more to me than just about anyone else on the planet....I don't know how to react.

So, yeah, December's been hard. 

But December was last year.  And this is this year.  And it's time to make the best of it.  Time to get re-centered.

Blessings to you all.

Someday Sunday - Dreams

A pixie comes with gossamer wings
To sit on my shoulder and tell me things.
She speaks of love and loss most grave
Of knights and ladies and the occasional knave.
She tells of a place where good always wins;
Where evil's defeated; true love never ends.
The more I hear the more I yearn,
But her time is up; she must return
To that place where she calls home.
With a flick of her wings, she's left me alone
In the still of the night, I am no longer miffed;
For along with her words, she's left me a gift.
When all is at rest, and the darkness is thick,
I feel in my chest my own little flick.
My heart has grown wings and eyes to behold
The beautiful land of which I've been told.

More

I realized in the last couple of weeks that although the hubby and I are not actively pursuing the gift of parenthood at the moment, I'm forgetting the second half of the title of my blog.  My blog is titled "Mother in Faith, by Faith."  My faith is not contingent on whether or not I have a child.  My faith is a reflection of my love for my Savior because of His love for me.  My faith is an act of obedience.  If my faith is important enough to be in the title of my blog, is it not important enough to write about on a regular basis?  Shouldn't my faith be just as documented as my quest to have children?  In that vein, I am going to resume writing.  Expect at least two posts per week from now on.  There will be weeks that I don't make that, I'm sure.  There will also be weeks that my heart will be so full that I will post more.  Regardless, there will be more.  God is good.

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Speaking of more, starting sometime after the first of the year, I will finally be able to attend church every Sunday - at least, I think so.  As of today, I have a new title at my hospital.  As of today, I am the hospital educator.  In theory, what that means is that I will work one 12-hour shift on the ICU (to maintain my CCRN status and to maintain my full-time status at the hospital) and then I will work the remainder of my hours in education.  Again, in theory, I will set my own schedule.  I will FINALLY be able to be part of a church again.  And my hubby and I have also finally settled on a particular church.  Over the last eight weeks, this church has been going through the tenets of its doctrine.  Beyond the explanation of its doctrine, the sermons were concerned with application.  Even the hubby is satisfied.  He has given us abundantly more.  God is so good.

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 On the baby front, things are status quo.  We are attempting timing again, but even that has suddenly become difficult since last month I was five days late.  Alas, what will be will be.  After all, God is good.  And God is more.  More than sufficient.  More than we ask.  Simply more. 

My Child

God has been teaching me peace over the last two weeks.  I last posted in a state of despair.  I was feeling so alone and forgotten.  And that's right where God met me.  He took my breaking heart and held it because I was no longer able to hold it myself.  Amazingly enough, He has been my portion.  Yeah, I know, I should have known that quite a long time ago, right?  Why is it so easy to forget?

This weekend - as I previously mentioned - was Women of Faith in Pittsburgh.  While it wasn't particularly refreshing or revelatory as I had hoped, it was a time of confirmation, of reassurance.  And it was a time of enlightenment.  There are many ways to be a "mother."  Obviously, you can become pregnant and carry a child to term.  There is always the option of adoption.  There is also the opportunity to be a "mother" figure.  I have a child, if only in my heart.  There is an organization called World Vision through which my husband and I are sponsoring a child.  We do not know if it is a boy or a girl or how old he/she is, but we do know the child is from Guatemala and desperately needs our support.  This, then, is my heart-child.  We will "meet" him or her in approximately six weeks, but until then, our prayers will carry this little one to heaven's throne. 

I pray my praises will also reach heaven's ears, for God is doing a new thing in my heart.  He has sent me peace.  I know in my soul that He is in control, and I rest in His embrace.  For that, may my words be as incense as this song exhibits:

Feeling a Bit Sorry for Myself

This is not going to be an inspirational or uplifting post.  I have been having a hard time over the last couple of weeks, despite being insanely busy.  Two weeks ago was my "ovulation date," and things happened as they should.  Hope is there as it always is, but I have stopped hanging all my hopes on one nail.  That nail is getting rusty and bent and can't take the weight.  If that nail falls, I would be devastated again, and there is just too much going on right now to take a moment of devastation, you know?  So I have taken to hanging only one hope on that nail per month. 

Anyways, I digress.  This week has been tough.  Of course, it's my PMS week, so everything is worse than normal.  Add a little absent husband (working in Canada, bachelor party in Atlantic City with his college buddies) and a dash of night-turn for me.  Simmer with a dash of food poisoning, no word on a job opportunity, and another pregnant friend; and just watch the kettle boil.

Yesterday I was scheduled for a 7PM-7AM shift at the hospital.  I woke up extremely nauseous but still planning on going into work.  Three hours later I was violently ill, and unable to go to work.  For the next three hours, I was sick and alone and lonely.  I called Brian, and he told me his friend - who just got married Memorial Day weekend - is already pregnant and due ~March.  Meaning, they got pregnant right away.  He told me because he thought I already knew, but I didn't.  It just made me feel worse...  To top it all off, I posted about being sick on facebook, and of course the first comment I get is a question about whether or not I'm pregnant.  So last night I threw myself a little pity party. 

I am feeling better this morning - both physically and emotionally - but I am still a bit down.  My period is due today.  I think once it comes I will be able to "readjust" and get past the emotional and hormonal turmoil.  Then I can stop being jealous and go back to being the happy supportive friend.  That's the Jenn that I like, not this sulky one. 

On a positive note, next weekend is Women of Faith.  Here's hoping for renewal and refreshment.  I know I could sure use some. 

Sanctuary

Lord prepare me to be a sanctuary,
Pure and holy, tried and true,
With thanksgiving, I'll be a living
Sanctuary for You

I have always loved this song.  It’s simple yet beautiful.  However, like many worship choruses, after a blazing run in popularity, it has faded into obscurity.  I started thinking on it this weekend.  I am one that if I am singing something, it had better be true.  Words are my lifeblood:  if they are spoken or written, I had better mean them.  Just ask my husband.  I can’t decide if I like a song on the radio or not until I have heard all the lyrics.  The melody, bass, or harmonies can be amazing, but if the lyrics do not reflect my heart in some way, I could do without the song.

So what does this song mean?  What is a sanctuary?  According to dictionary.com, a sanctuary is a “sacred or holy place” or a place “where fugitives were entitled to immunity.”  In other words, a sanctuary is a safe place where God dwells.  I would like to think that my heart meets those requirements.  It holds so many secrets – so many desires – deep inside and safe.  And I know my Lord lives there.  But is it holy?  Is it pure?  No, it is not.  I try.  I find myself falling at my Savior’s feet, begging for His heart to replace my own, but in all reality, my heart is still selfish, still human. 

And if I'm holy, as You are holy,
Then I'll see You, face to face.
Melt and mold me into Your image,
Take me to Your holy place.

What does it mean to be holy?  The college that I attended had “Holiness Unto the Lord” carved into its altar.  It was set apart, dedicated in whole to a God Who called us to such a life.  We are to be so holy that we are set apart. 

This last month – without the hustle and bustle of fertility treatments or worrying if I could be pregnant or not – has been a relief.  It’s been a sort of calm.  I have spent the time in preparation, if you will.  My healthy eating habits and hardcore exercise (if I’m not sweating buckets, I don’t feel like I’ve worked hard enough……) have returned.  My devotional time is more about spending time with a dear Friend and less about petitioning Him for a baby.  This weekend, preparation has been a huge theme for me.  I want a baby, yes, but I am not ready for one.  My husband is not ready for one.  That is hard to type and even harder to accept, but it is true.  This time – forced on me by our lack of excess funds – is a time of preparation.  I will use it as preparation for motherhood, yes, but most of all, I will use it as preparation to be a “sacred or holy place” that is honoring to my God. 

Lord prepare me to be a sanctuary,
Pure and holy, tried and true,
With thanksgiving, I'll be a living
Sanctuary for You