A Crisis of Faith

It may be simplistic to say that it has been a trying week.  Perhaps, it would be more appropriate to say it's been an extremely emotional week.  I've already explained some of the craziness, but I have to say the craziness has continued.

I have been in Minneapolis for work since Sunday afternoon, and let me just say, I was so grateful to be intermittently distracted by the conference...

I know it was entirely too early, but I decided to test on Monday anyways - just in case.  When I got the negative, honestly, it was no big deal.  After all, I KNEW it was too early.  But then yesterday happened, and all my peace and composure flew out the window.  One of my dearest and sweetest friends has been struggling with different issues with getting - and staying pregnant.  Last week a preliminary ultrasound showed some cause for concern yet again.  I have been praying nonstop for God to bless her and to miraculously place a baby where there appeared there was none.  She had another ultrasound yesterday, and she sent me the picture of the teeny tiny precious child.  I can't explain it; I was so excited that it was there, and I was so happy that this amazing woman was going to be a mother.  But I was also instantly broken and hysterical.  I can't help but wonder yet again: what about me?  Why doesn't God want ME to have a baby?  Will I ever have my own little one?  Why not me?  

I just wanted to indulge in a little self-pity, but at the same time, I hated myself for it.  What kind of a person turns happy news into a pity party?  What kind of a person takes someone else's joy and converts it into some twisted, perverse despair?

And then, this morning, another completely unrelated newsletter arrived in my email inbox - this one from Guideposts.  This week's Mysterious Ways story?  Yeah, it was about a woman who had spent two years in fertility treatment and was expecting her own little miracle now.  I have to be honest, my first thoughts were to lash out at God.  Was He really trying to encourage me, or was He truly just a cruel trickster that loved to play with my heart?  Again, I made it about me and my own pain.

Then again, I began to think back over the last few weeks.  I began to remember God's own messages to me about His identity.  Did I really think Him cruel?  No.  Did I really think it in His character to carelessly play with my heart?  No.  The reality check brought with it the reminders from this very week about how much He does truly care for me.  This conference has buoyed me with new friendships, new knowledge, and a whole lot of laughter.  It also brought the healing balm of the love of old friends.  At my very lowest over the last several days, He never left me there.  There was always someone there at the exact right time.  I hurt, and my heart broke.  But the pieces didn't scatter.  My loving Father was always ensuring that someone was there to collect them.  And THAT realization is what has gotten me through this latest crisis of faith.  No matter what happens this week, I know He will continue to carry me through - even if I may not see it at first.

Here We Go Again...

Remember that fertility specialist we saw at the beginning of the summer?  Well, the recommendation was to try IUI again, this time with a higher dose of Clomid.

The hubby and I went on vacation from September 8 through the 15th, during which I took my third round of Clomid.  I'm happy to report that there were no yeast beasties or an attack of the killer zits this round.  Whew!  Also, amazingly enough, even with the increased dose of Clomid, I wasn't all that emotional.  

My ovulation predictor came up smiley last Thursday, so this specialist only wanted me to come in once - the next morning.  I have to say, the only part of the entire process that leaves a bad taste in my mouth is the option - the EXPECTATION - that my husband and I would not be coming together.  They recommended that I come two hours after my husband so that I wouldn't be waiting two hours while they washed the sperm.  Logistically, I can understand that, but humanly?  The process already sterilizes the experience enough without dividing the couple.  Needless to say, I went with him, and just waited.  I felt like I just had to.

Anyway, they did the wash, and apparently there were 12,000,000 strong and "directionally savvy" swimmers, which is a good number according to the doctor.  According to "Dr. Google," the minimum should be 10 million, so the number is good.  Not stellar, but good.

So far so good, right? There's one problem. And that's my emotions.  I have been entirely too excited this cycle. I'm hopeful, I'm thrilled, and I just have a feeling that this is the one.  The problem is, what if this isn't the one?  In that case, I'm headed for a crash that hasn't happened in years. And it won't be pretty.  But I just can't seem to temper my enthusiasm. And, as horrible as it is, I have seen too many "signs."

Psychologically, there have been two random and completely coincidental things that have gotten to me in the last week.  And yes, I know they are completely coincidental, but I can't seem to just laugh them off.  I don't have control over my positive emotions this month.  The first thing was a simple email newsletter from Jillian Michaels that I receive every day.  I went in for my IUI on Friday.  The very next day's newsletter's topic?  "Should I workout when I'm pregnant?"  Again, I know it's just a coincidence, but my heart leaped.  The second thing came from a nurse in the hospital that I haven't seen in months.  She saw me on the floor Tuesday and ran over to me in the station.  Very seriously, she said, "Jenn, I dreamed about you two nights ago."  I looked at her very strangely, and she continued to tell me that - in the dream - I was trying to teach them something low to the ground.  The problem was, I was "very pregnant" and was having a hard time bending over.  I must have looked a bit shocked, because the nurse then went on to say that she's been meaning to ask me if I was pregnant every since, because she's been known to have "ESP."  There were a few people around, and - like I said, I haven't seen this particular nurse in months and we're not close - so I just answered "not that I know of..."  Her response?  "Well, if you're not, you may be soon...  You might want to be careful..."  The entire exchange rattled me, and I still can't get it out of my head.  It was just so random.

Physically, there have been a couple things - all of which could definitely be attributed to the Clomid.  I haven't experienced them before, but as I started this post, I was on a higher dose of Clomid this month.  The first is the breast pain.  They seem to be permanently "at attention," and everything hurts.  Today was the first day that they were just overly tender as opposed to pain - and that does lend credence to the theory that it's just the Clomid - but from Sunday up through today, they have honestly HURT.  Secondly, Tuesday of this week, I experienced intense vertigo.  In fact, I was teaching a crisis prevention class all day, and I almost fell in front of my students.  The room just started spinning.  The entire day I was dizzy.  Finally, just over the last couple days, I have been experiencing mild cramping.  The timing is what gets me about the cramping.  From what I've read, the timing is off to attribute it to the Clomid AND the IUI itself.  It seems to be too "late" to be due to those two things.  Of course, given my mental state this month, my heart has grabbed onto that and is hoping against hope that it is implantation cramping.  But really, it could be anything.

Can you tell I have these two opposing voices in my head?  I'm both eagerly anticipating and dreading next week.  Because sometime next week is when I should know, either way.  I'm scared.  And excited.  And I just can't seem to rest in God's peace and control.  Any prayers you may spare would be highly appreciated.  I'll keep you posted...

Blessings.

Who am I?

Just opened Blogger to draft a post for today and realized I never published this one:

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Continuing with the theme of "identity," I've been thinking an awful lot about my own identity, in addition to God's.  Who am I?  Who am I as a person?  A woman?  A Christ-follower?

The truth is, I am nothing.

Now, before you start citing all the reasons why I am *not* nothing, why I am someone special, that God sent His son to die for ME, etc, etc; indulge me for a moment.

I am wretched, filthy, and full of sinful pride.  What have I done to improve this planet?  What have I done to further anyone's agenda but my own?  What in the world have I ever done that has been worthy of the love that God has given me?  Nothing.  Absolutely nothing.  

To quote a well-known song, it's not because of who *I* am, but it's because of who God is, and what He's done.

That being said, I am nothing, but I am also beautiful and awe-inspiring because of Him.  Apart from Christ, I am nothing.  With Christ, yes, I am everything.

Who do you say that I am?

Well, howdy there!  Did ya miss me?  I have missed you.  In fact, I've found myself looking back at old entries quite a bit over the last month or so.  I decided if I was going to look back, I might as well also start looking forward and start blogging again, especially with everything that's been swirling in my brain lately.

Most notably, have you ever felt like God gives you a "word"?  Something that He spends days, weeks, or months teaching you and drilling into your head?  Something meant just for you?

The word of the day today was "identity."  It all started when I opened my devotional book to today's scripture - Mark 8:27-30.  

The most important part, at least to me?  Verse 29:  He said to them,  “But who do you say that I am?” 

The hubby and I have been talking a lot about children again, specifically, trying again.  We went to see a fertility specialist in the city, and she ran all the old tests again.  This time, though, nothing came up as off or abnormal.  Nothing.  On either of our parts.  Which tell me, if it's not happening, there's only one reason:  God is closing my womb for a reason.  And I really don't know what to feel about that.  I don't know if I feel angry (sometimes), hurt (sometimes), disillusioned (often), or simply lost (also often).

"But who do you say that I am?”

My cousin is having a baby shower this Friday, and I can't skip it.  Obviously, she's my cousin, but we're also very close.  She has wanted children as long as I can remember.  She suffered through a failed marriage, some health issues, and now her current husband's health is precarious; but she was able to conceive and carry a child.  Even knowing everything she's been through, I still find myself jealous - jealous that her insurance covers IVF, jealous that she will have a little boy in just a few short months, even jealous of her morning sickness.  Don't get me wrong:  I am overjoyed that she is pregnant.  Like I said, she has ALWAYS wanted a child.  But part of me is a little green, nonetheless.

"But who do you say that I am?”

I say that my God is all-powerful.  He created worlds and separated dry land from seas.  He is also full of wrath.  He wiped the face of the earth with floodwaters; He stormed through the temple with anger; He condemns men to burn forever in the lake of fire.  He is also holy.  He cannot abide sin.  He does not allow mistakes or bad judgement in His presence.  He demands perfection.

But you know what?  I also say that my God is a God of love.  He created the perfect partner to man - from man - simply so that he wouldn't be alone.  He rescued His people time and again from slavery.  He blessed the tender hearts of a queen who would stand up to her husband on behalf of her people and a widow who had no way to provide for herself or her mother-in-law.  He is also merciful.  How easy would it have been to wipe out two human beings and just start over?  Instead he butchered an animal to cover their sins and allowed them live.  My God is also a giving God.  He provides whatever we need, even sending His own Son to die horribly to preserve the opportunity for us to spend our eternal lives with Him.  Finally, my God is a God with a plan.  He always works His plan out in His people - maybe not in their time or to their liking - but it always happens.  He is in control.  I am no exception to that rule, and for that, I am thankful.

30 Days Until Christmas

I made a commitment yesterday.  I realized that the countdown from today until Christmas is exactly thirty days.  What can happen in 30 days?  I am hoping that renewed passion can happen in thirty days.  I miss the intensity of my Savior's embrace.  So that commitment?  It's to really dig in, to dig deep and really reacquaint myself with the amazing God of the universe before the world celebrates His birth.

From today until Christmas, I will be following this plan.  I may not post here every day, but I do plan to post most days.  It'll keep me honest, and it will help me digest what I'm reading.  So, you ready?

Day 1:  John 1:1-2:11 and Proverbs 1 

It struck me for the first time today that John was a bit of a wordsmith.  In the opening verses of the book, John manipulates the words "Word" and "Light" in such ways that while struggling not to quote such familiar passages, it can actually be difficult to read.  From there, we are briefly introduced to John the Baptist and Jesus's disciples.  The passage then terminates in the story of Jesus turning water to wine. 

Interestingly enough, I get this mental picture of Jesus being a grown-up version of a petulant child at the wedding.  His mother comes to him with the disturbing realization that there is no more wine.  Jesus's response?  Basically a big "so what?"  Instead of admonishing Him, though, she simply turns to the servants and instructs them to do whatever it is he tells them to do.  She knew He would not leave her stranded.  She knew He would follow through.  And He did. 

There is one more part to this story I never realized:  this miracle was for no one but the disciples.  No one but the servants and the disciples knew what He did.  The "master of ceremonies" certainly had no idea where the wine came from.  Even Mary didn't stick around to watch the miracle.  Only the disciples were there, and this one small miracle caused them to believe.  He did not want to call attention to Himself as His "time had not yet come."  But He did this one thing for those He valued most on the earth, for the chosen few with whom He surrounded Himself.

I have two thoughts on this passage from Proverbs.  The first is that I love how Solomon paints Wisdom as female.  hehe.  The second is the fact that we are warned of our own destruction.  We see it coming.  We know when something is perilous, but whether because of pride or curiosity, we do it anyways.  Are we really so dim?  I know I am.  I see the shiny surface of something and never look at the ugly rough underside.  I fall for it every time.  So where does that leave me?  What do I take away from these passages? 

I think my takeaway is the idea that Jesus loves deeply.  Even when things happen "early" (or late), He steps up to rescue the day if we only seek Him out.  And if we truly believe He will save the day.  Also, He is not above the simple miracles for those that follow Him, especially those that leave everything in a step of faith.  He gave the disciples a glimpse of who He is.  Their faith was rewarded.  There's that theme again.......  Faith and faithfulness.  And what is faithfulness if not avoiding known pitfalls?  He's there, waiting to back us up, to lead us away from peril, and to reward our simple faith.

Did you take anything else away?

Blessings

Call to Prayer

Grains of Sand

Tiny sparkling diamonds,
The result of years of polishing by an unrelenting master.
Thrown carelessly on the shore.
Tossed aside only to be pulled back.

I cup my hands around the stunning beauty
Trying so hard to hold their glitter in my grasp
But along with the water, the sand seeps through my fingers
A few tiny grains remain
The only hopes and dreams I have left. 

This is a call to prayer for a few lovely ladies for whom my heart is heavy - and who can understand the above sentiment.  Each of them has suffered a miscarriage (or more) in the past, and each is currently in the early stages of another pregnancy.  Please join me in prayer for their tender, fragile hearts as well as for the child growing within them.  Let's all agree in prayer for peace, health, and a successful pregnancy for each of them.  Can we do that?

Roller Coaster

The title says it all for this week....it has been an intense roller coaster from start to finish.

Remember how I was supposed to start my new job after the first of the year?  Well, that was supposed to take place this coming Monday (January 9).  My current boss has been - for lack of a better description - bitter and unprofessional and even immature about the entire change.  She has made comments to the effect of "I didn't even know it was posted," or "I didn't even know you were looking," or "I didn't even know that position existed," etc.  And those were the ones to my face.......  Anyways, fast forward to this week.  She put the schedule out Monday, January 2 (the one that starts January 8), and not only am I still full-time on her schedule, but I am full-time NIGHTS.  Four weeks of straight night-turn.....and then when I asked her about it, she said she had to do it.....oh, and when I do go to one day a week on the ICU, she expected that day to always be a weekend day!  I panicked.  I called the hubby, sobbing and hyperventilating.  You see, when I suffered from depression, my biggest trigger is not sleeping.  And I can't sleep during the day for more than a couple hours at a time.  And I have never done more than five night shifts in one schedule - even when I was a brand-new nurse.  This month is NOT going to be fun.  And then working every weekend?  I would never get to spend time with my hubby!  Once I calmed down and got some sleep, I called my "new" boss and requested a meeting.

That same day, my trailblazer developed a nasty thumping in the front end.....forty miles from home.  I nursed it home and then to the dealer for evaluation.  Their first impression was something was wrong with the differential.  And our warranty expired December 11, 2011.

And hubby was out of town again.  Here's me:

Finally met with my new boss Friday afternoon.  I didn't even get a single word out when she asked me what my upcoming schedule looked like.  I told her I was scheduled for four weeks of nights.  She was surprised.  I told her that I knew that the schedule could not be changed at this point, but I was concerned regarding the weekend days.  She looked right at me and said, "Here's what we are going to do.  I am going to tell ____ (my current boss) that there has been a change and that after this schedule, you will no longer be working for her at all.  You will be full-time as an educator."  Just in case I was unclear on what that meant, she elaborated that it meant Mon-Fri daylight - no weekends or holidays.  I am pretty sure my jaw hit the floor.  They had told me there was no full-time availability......apparently that had changed.  Not only will I get to see my hubby on weekends now, but I will get to see him during the week every night now!!

And my trailblazer?  Apparently the roller bearings fell out.  I have no idea what that means (I know nothing about cars), but they fixed it.  AND because it was less than a month since the warranty ran out and because we buy so many vehicles from them, they fixed it "under warranty"!

And hubby got to come home late last night.  Now, here's me:

So, the next few weeks are going to be tough, but they have an end date.  February 1st is coming.....

So, um, yeah.....that worked. *Laugh*

Well, that whole idea of posting at least twice a week?  Really really had good intentions written all over that one, and you know what they say about good intentions......  Really, though, December was a tough month - in just about every way.  The hubby was still gone, I had loads of papers due (the equivalent of having mid-terms in online classes, I think), I had to prepare for Christmas (my family came to our house), oh - and two more friends are pregnant.  Two very CLOSE friends are pregnant, and it's been hard to process.

Friend one is one of the most adorable, sweetest women I have ever met.  She is going to be a PHENOMENAL mother.  In fact, I hope her children realize just how lucky they are.  She's kind, funny, brilliant, and compassionate.  I could not be happier for her - apart from myself.  And therein lies the difficulty.  I have always been good at compartmentalizing, and in this instance, I am glad of that trait.  Because when I am with her, I can be joyful for her.  I can rejoice in the absolute sweet surprisingness of it.  But when I am alone, I am jealous.  And then angry at myself for my jealousy.  Angry because it was a surprise, an amazing one for her.  Angry because she is going to have a difficult few months coming up for various reasons.  Yet my righteous anger does not erase the self-pity that I experience.  I wish I could get a handle on that.  No, I NEED to get a handle on that.  As I get older, more friends will get pregnant.  And more will have multiple children.  What if I get to the point of deciding some of those friends don't "deserve" children more than me?  Will I become bitter?  I can't; I mustn't.  Any great suggestions out there?  For now, I will just keep being happy for those who are blessed. 

Friend two is a different situation altogether.  This friend and I have been close for a decade.  Somehow or other, though, we haven't talked since July.  Finally on Christmas day, she sent me a message via Facebook that gave at least part of the answer.  She's had a difficult time with her children, and she's pregnant again, and she was afraid to tell me.  So her solution to all that was to just not talk to me - to avoid my phone calls, texts, and messages.  What am I supposed to do with that?  How am I supposed to react?  I have never held back excitement for her - not when I didn't want children when she was pregnant with her first two and not when I did and she was pregnant with her third.  Why would she suddenly decide to disappear?  This friend means more to me than just about anyone else on the planet....I don't know how to react.

So, yeah, December's been hard. 

But December was last year.  And this is this year.  And it's time to make the best of it.  Time to get re-centered.

Blessings to you all.

Someday Sunday - Dreams

A pixie comes with gossamer wings
To sit on my shoulder and tell me things.
She speaks of love and loss most grave
Of knights and ladies and the occasional knave.
She tells of a place where good always wins;
Where evil's defeated; true love never ends.
The more I hear the more I yearn,
But her time is up; she must return
To that place where she calls home.
With a flick of her wings, she's left me alone
In the still of the night, I am no longer miffed;
For along with her words, she's left me a gift.
When all is at rest, and the darkness is thick,
I feel in my chest my own little flick.
My heart has grown wings and eyes to behold
The beautiful land of which I've been told.

More

I realized in the last couple of weeks that although the hubby and I are not actively pursuing the gift of parenthood at the moment, I'm forgetting the second half of the title of my blog.  My blog is titled "Mother in Faith, by Faith."  My faith is not contingent on whether or not I have a child.  My faith is a reflection of my love for my Savior because of His love for me.  My faith is an act of obedience.  If my faith is important enough to be in the title of my blog, is it not important enough to write about on a regular basis?  Shouldn't my faith be just as documented as my quest to have children?  In that vein, I am going to resume writing.  Expect at least two posts per week from now on.  There will be weeks that I don't make that, I'm sure.  There will also be weeks that my heart will be so full that I will post more.  Regardless, there will be more.  God is good.

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Speaking of more, starting sometime after the first of the year, I will finally be able to attend church every Sunday - at least, I think so.  As of today, I have a new title at my hospital.  As of today, I am the hospital educator.  In theory, what that means is that I will work one 12-hour shift on the ICU (to maintain my CCRN status and to maintain my full-time status at the hospital) and then I will work the remainder of my hours in education.  Again, in theory, I will set my own schedule.  I will FINALLY be able to be part of a church again.  And my hubby and I have also finally settled on a particular church.  Over the last eight weeks, this church has been going through the tenets of its doctrine.  Beyond the explanation of its doctrine, the sermons were concerned with application.  Even the hubby is satisfied.  He has given us abundantly more.  God is so good.

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 On the baby front, things are status quo.  We are attempting timing again, but even that has suddenly become difficult since last month I was five days late.  Alas, what will be will be.  After all, God is good.  And God is more.  More than sufficient.  More than we ask.  Simply more.