Bright side? If the timing is the same as it has been, then I *should* have a few more days before my ovulation predictor comes up positive and I have to go in for our IUI. And THAT would be a major blessing!! Why? Because I am unable to take time off from work on Friday. There are already two people off in the department, and there was an email that went out earlier this week that said no one else was able to have the day. I’ve been worried about the timing ever since getting the email. You see, I have kept our fertility issues pretty quiet in real life, and my coworkers are completely in the dark. I have no desire to change that situation, either. I already don’t fit really well into the IS department; I don’t need to make it worse by telling them that I am actively trying to make it so that I will be off 10-12 weeks in the *hopefully* near future. Anyways, if you get the urge to pray for me, could you pray that I do NOT get my smiley tomorrow? I really really don’t want this cycle of Clomid to have been for nothing. I just need one more day, just one!
I just realized that this post is beginning to sound a bit depressing. I really don't feel that way, promise! In fact, I have been entirely too busy to worry about trying to figure out God's plan. Do I want to know? Of course! Is He sharing? Nope! But that's ok. Cause I can't control this part of my life anyways. Am I afraid of what's "next"? Do I worry that we have reached the end of our journey? Yes, I do, at times. But when I have those moments, I remember that God is always in control. My savior knows me, knows my heart, and knows my desires. Whatever He has for me is tremendously more than I could ever imagine on my own. I believe, still, that He means for me to be a mother. I still believe that His direction in this matter was clear. Every time I think otherwise, He sends something that reminds me why I started this journey in the first place. Today, it was the passage in Romans 4 that I read in my quiet time:
Do you see verse 18 there? "contrary to hope, in hope believed..." And then the whole passage ends with "and therefore it was accounted to him for righteousness." I feel like that sometimes, you know? I feel like I am hoping contrary to hope. But at least I'm in good company, right? Maybe someday this journey will be accounted to me for righteousness. Maybe I have to go through this struggle so that someone else can be edified. Or, maybe it simply is a purification process for me. I don't know. What I do know after almost four years is that God has a plan, and I'm never outside His embrace. And what better place is there to be?
Blessings.
