I know, I'm a bit out of order, but I wanted to write my IUI blog while it was still fresh. Leading up to that, though, was my second round of Clomid. On the whole, this round was much easier. There were much fewer zits (yay!) and no rampant fungal infection (BIG yay!). I was, however, much more emotional. I started the clomid Tuesday the 14th and continued it until Saturday the 18th. Everything started making me weepy. Between that and the debacle that was our trip home...... Let's just say I was happy when I got on a semi-even keel. I say semi-even because I am still a bit weepy.
Since this round of clomid/IUI, the days are dragging. These two weeks are crawling so slowly that I can see the weeds growing in my garden - millimeter by millimeter. I am not a very patient person. I just feel like I am in limbo, and limbo is not a very peaceful place to be. Those two weeks between ovulation and the day your period is supposed to start are laden with "what ifs." What if I'm pregnant? I can't have caffeine if I am pregnant. Can I dye my hair if I'm pregnant? I can't go down to fluoroscopy (where we assist with procedures under xray) if I'm pregnant. What if I refuse those things? What do I say? What excuse can I give? I have done everything in my power to not have people discussing our baby situation. In fact very few people in real life know that we have even been trying. No matter what excuse I can imagine, people will talk. Refusing coffee when I've been exhausted? Not covering the sprout of gray at my right temple? Refusing to do a part of my job without grounds? And then there's always that other "what if." What if I'm not pregnant? *sigh* I hate these two weeks.
On a side note, as for my previous blog on doubt, I know there will be days that I will feel hopeless. What can I say? I'm human, but I realized something. The three gifts mentioned in 1 Corinthians 13 are faith, hope, and love. These gifts are commonly treated as nouns - things - but they are words of intention, of action, as well. Though I may *feel* hopeless, I can decide to hope. Though I may doubt, I can choose to have faith. In answer to my previous questions, I know God called me to be a mother. I don't believe in coincidences; therefore, I cannot read too much into them. And finally, even air is not thin if I am stepping out on faith. Even if I fall, my Father's arms will catch me.
And like I said, I have a good feeling about this month. Now can someone hurry up and invent a time machine so I can find out already?
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Monday, June 27, 2011
Doubt
Do you ever have one of those days where you question everything? Where nothing seems as sure as you once thought? Where faith has taken a break? Like:
What if I imagined God telling me to be a mother?
What if I am reading too much into situations that were merely coincidences?
What if I've already told people - in my case, in a public blog - that I am called to be a mother, and I'm wrong?
What if I have stepped out in what I thought was faith only to find it to truly be thin air?
Yeah, I'm having one of those days. Any brilliance to share?
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Someday Sunday
“Someday” is a word of hope. Believe it or not, an ad for a perfume sums it up pretty well:
“Someday is why we never say never. It’s the reason we never give up, the reason we never give in. It’s a place in our hearts that can’t be broken, where our dreams come true. It’s the moment we’ll never let go.”
~ taken from an ad for Someday by Justin Bieber, 2011
I have to hand it to the marketing staff for that perfume. That description is perfect. It’s heavy with imagery, with emotion. There is promise in “someday.” Someday is magical. Someday is heavy with dreams and plans.
I dream of a little girl with dark brown hair that will love to jump around and get into things. She'll love to explore and play and get into mischief. She'll conquer the world - someday.
I also dream of a shy little boy who wants to be just like his father. He'll want to be on the computer all the time, and I'll have to chase him out of the house to play. He'll be reluctant but will eventually make friends with the neighborhood kids - someday.
I have plans of late-night feedings and walks in the park with a stroller. I have plans to impart the magic of Christmas and Easter. I can't wait to take my son or daughter out for the birthday, to celebrate the absolute joy of his/her birth. I can't even wait until I have tons of diapers of which to dispose. It will happen - someday.
23 Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful.
~Hebrews 10:23 NKJV
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Where have I been?
Where have I been? Hmm, that's a good question.
Mentally, I've been on hiatus. The telling of my story was very cathartic (and hopefully helpful to someone out in the interwebs) - yes - but it was also extremely draining. My words seemed to dry up. I cannot tell you how many unfinished blog entries are sitting on my computer right now. I guess they will serve as fodder in the future. I just needed a little time for my brain to recover.
Physically, I've been to Florida and back on vacation. Last week was spent blissfully disconnected in a hotel in Orlando. This was the view from our window:
And this little guy came to visit me frequently while I lay by the pool:
Yep, that's Hogwarts, part of the Wizarding World of Harry Potter at Universal Studios Islands of Adventure. Did I mention I have a thing for fantasy? Maybe I forgot. I happen to be a HUGE Harry Potter fan, and this section of the park did NOT disappoint.
I wish we could have stayed forever. Unfortunately, we couldn't. Our trip home was horrible. Our flight was delayed and then eventually cancelled. We didn't make it to the Taylor Swift concert for which I had tickets. (Tickets, by the way that I bothered my mother to use her credit card so that I could buy them on presale. Yeah, I wanted them THAT badly. Anyone want to take me to another of her shows? Pretty please? With cherries on top?)
Then my car wouldn't start. Turns out, if you leave your GPS plugged in for over a week while you are on vacation in paradise, your battery turns to mush. Lesson learned. Then the hubs got called to Chicago unexpectedly. It was an interesting weekend.
When you're stuck in the rut of seeing all these minor things happening, it's hard to notice something truly miraculous. That is, until it smacks you upside the head. Consider me smacked as of yesterday. Yesterday was the day I was supposed to start testing for ovulation to set up for our second round of IUI. I forgot to buy a kit when I was out on Tuesday, and I only had one strip left. I truly debated on using it yesterday because 1) I am always so regular and I wasn't due to ovulate until Friday and 2) I was scheduled to work till 11:30PM yesterday and wouldn't get a chance to buy another kit until this morning. Then yesterday morning I forgot to pee on the stick until after it was too late, and I decided that the decision was made for me. Somehow, though, I could NOT get it out of my head. I truly believe God was poking me.
I couldn't let it go, so one hour later (even though cognitively I knew that one hour was not enough time for the hormone to build up optimally), I peed on my last stick and just about fell on the floor when it came up positive - two days earlier than it should have. All of a sudden there were several calls that had to be made and several things that had to work out "just so" in order to make it to the physician's office and work in the afternoon. Amazingly enough, it all worked out. God worked it all out. The timing was impeccable.
Maybe it's wishful thinking; maybe I am just looking for something that is not there, but the fact remains that I should have missed yesterday, multiple times over, but I didn't. That leaves me hopeful about this round. It leaves me with a good feeling. I'd appreciate any prayers you could spare.
Aside from the drama that was this week, it's good to be back. I have missed you.
Mentally, I've been on hiatus. The telling of my story was very cathartic (and hopefully helpful to someone out in the interwebs) - yes - but it was also extremely draining. My words seemed to dry up. I cannot tell you how many unfinished blog entries are sitting on my computer right now. I guess they will serve as fodder in the future. I just needed a little time for my brain to recover.
Physically, I've been to Florida and back on vacation. Last week was spent blissfully disconnected in a hotel in Orlando. This was the view from our window:
And this little guy came to visit me frequently while I lay by the pool:
The week culminated in a trip here:
I wish we could have stayed forever. Unfortunately, we couldn't. Our trip home was horrible. Our flight was delayed and then eventually cancelled. We didn't make it to the Taylor Swift concert for which I had tickets. (Tickets, by the way that I bothered my mother to use her credit card so that I could buy them on presale. Yeah, I wanted them THAT badly. Anyone want to take me to another of her shows? Pretty please? With cherries on top?)
Then my car wouldn't start. Turns out, if you leave your GPS plugged in for over a week while you are on vacation in paradise, your battery turns to mush. Lesson learned. Then the hubs got called to Chicago unexpectedly. It was an interesting weekend.
When you're stuck in the rut of seeing all these minor things happening, it's hard to notice something truly miraculous. That is, until it smacks you upside the head. Consider me smacked as of yesterday. Yesterday was the day I was supposed to start testing for ovulation to set up for our second round of IUI. I forgot to buy a kit when I was out on Tuesday, and I only had one strip left. I truly debated on using it yesterday because 1) I am always so regular and I wasn't due to ovulate until Friday and 2) I was scheduled to work till 11:30PM yesterday and wouldn't get a chance to buy another kit until this morning. Then yesterday morning I forgot to pee on the stick until after it was too late, and I decided that the decision was made for me. Somehow, though, I could NOT get it out of my head. I truly believe God was poking me.
I couldn't let it go, so one hour later (even though cognitively I knew that one hour was not enough time for the hormone to build up optimally), I peed on my last stick and just about fell on the floor when it came up positive - two days earlier than it should have. All of a sudden there were several calls that had to be made and several things that had to work out "just so" in order to make it to the physician's office and work in the afternoon. Amazingly enough, it all worked out. God worked it all out. The timing was impeccable.
Maybe it's wishful thinking; maybe I am just looking for something that is not there, but the fact remains that I should have missed yesterday, multiple times over, but I didn't. That leaves me hopeful about this round. It leaves me with a good feeling. I'd appreciate any prayers you could spare.
Aside from the drama that was this week, it's good to be back. I have missed you.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
My Story - Part IV: Redemption
I have had such a hard time with writing this last segment of my past journey. There is so much I want to get across to you, but I just cannot seem to find the words. I have literally sat down every day since Thursday and written a different draft each day. I have not been happy with any of them. I am not sure why this part is the hardest for me to write. It's a story of resolution and redemption. It's a love story between a woman and a man and a woman and God. It's about new beginnings and coming full circle. Why is it so hard to capture the substance - the essence, if you will - of such a story? Knowing that I have never been - and will never be - perfect, here is my best attempt to tell the culmination of that story. Here's warning, though, this will be a long post.
The last thing I said was that something truly remarkable happened just a few days after realizing this girl's first love was truly not "the one." That remarkable thing? Our girl went to church and met the most "boring" man she had ever met in her life - or so she thought. However, despite her first impression, and despite her earlier resolve to never get married, God wove the hearts of these two people together - and quickly. The "boring" man was a wonderful man - kind and compassionate, gentle and generous. He was intriguing and intelligent and challenging. He was the best thing to ever walk into our girl's life and the greatest gift she had ever received. Thirteen months after the two had met, they became husband and wife.
Their life together had its ups and downs, as all marriages do, but it was - and is - always rich. There were questions, of course, as to why there were no children in such a happy union, but they were always fielded with grace. With each passing year, our girl seemed to gain a new reason that children were a bad idea. Her past certainly contributed as did things in her distant childhood. This girl did not deserve the gift of children, and even if she did, she would not be a good steward of that gift. Fears of being an abusive mother or an absent mother or - worst of all - a resentful mother simply piled upon the guilt of her previous actions. She had the quiet support of her husband, and life was good. Then something else remarkable happened. Seven and a half years after they were married, on a long road trip to Michigan to visit our girl's college roommate, the subject of children came up again. Six hours and several miles later this girl and her husband had discussed, rehashed, and discussed the topic some more. Together they came to the decision that they would start trying. One week later, at her yearly gyne appointment, her IUD was removed, and the couple was poised to become parents.
To say our girl was fine with the decision would be laughable. She alternated between freaking out and wondering why it had not happened yet. She was TERRIFIED. She was excited. The roller coaster continued for approximately nine months. (Isn't it ironic that her vacillation lasted for the incubation period of a child?) That's when she truly began to want a child. Three months later when the couple still hadn't conceived, she made an appointment with her gyne yet again. She had the fear that the abortion had altered her uterus or tubes. The first step in the testing process was to test her husband. There were problems there. Still worried there were problems with herself, our girl returned to her doctor. She had bloodwork and a radiological procedure to look for blockages or scar tissue. There were none. Physiologically there was nothing preventing our girl from conceiving. The focus on the medical front became her husband, and they became poised for intrauterine insemination. From there I have documented my journey here in this blog. It's been tough, yes, but it has been healing and refreshing as well.
I want to leave you with a few thoughts and some encouragement.
First of all, if you find yourself pregnant with no options, you are LOVED. I know where you are. I've been there. I don't wish that on anyone. PLEASE, please find someone you can trust. Even if it's just me. Contact me, comment anonymously, give me some way to contact you. I want to support you. I want so badly to help. And I want to pray for you.
Secondly, if you have had an abortion, you are LOVED. It's ok. There is support; there is no condemnation. Again, I've been there, and let me tell you, God loves you. He is not out to punish you. He is in the renewal and redemption business. He cares, and so do I. Please, find someone to walk the journey with you, even if it's me. I may never meet you, but I love you. My heart bleeds for you. And I want to pray for you.
I leave you with these lyrics from Stellar Kart's song "Me and Jesus."
The last thing I said was that something truly remarkable happened just a few days after realizing this girl's first love was truly not "the one." That remarkable thing? Our girl went to church and met the most "boring" man she had ever met in her life - or so she thought. However, despite her first impression, and despite her earlier resolve to never get married, God wove the hearts of these two people together - and quickly. The "boring" man was a wonderful man - kind and compassionate, gentle and generous. He was intriguing and intelligent and challenging. He was the best thing to ever walk into our girl's life and the greatest gift she had ever received. Thirteen months after the two had met, they became husband and wife.
Their life together had its ups and downs, as all marriages do, but it was - and is - always rich. There were questions, of course, as to why there were no children in such a happy union, but they were always fielded with grace. With each passing year, our girl seemed to gain a new reason that children were a bad idea. Her past certainly contributed as did things in her distant childhood. This girl did not deserve the gift of children, and even if she did, she would not be a good steward of that gift. Fears of being an abusive mother or an absent mother or - worst of all - a resentful mother simply piled upon the guilt of her previous actions. She had the quiet support of her husband, and life was good. Then something else remarkable happened. Seven and a half years after they were married, on a long road trip to Michigan to visit our girl's college roommate, the subject of children came up again. Six hours and several miles later this girl and her husband had discussed, rehashed, and discussed the topic some more. Together they came to the decision that they would start trying. One week later, at her yearly gyne appointment, her IUD was removed, and the couple was poised to become parents.
To say our girl was fine with the decision would be laughable. She alternated between freaking out and wondering why it had not happened yet. She was TERRIFIED. She was excited. The roller coaster continued for approximately nine months. (Isn't it ironic that her vacillation lasted for the incubation period of a child?) That's when she truly began to want a child. Three months later when the couple still hadn't conceived, she made an appointment with her gyne yet again. She had the fear that the abortion had altered her uterus or tubes. The first step in the testing process was to test her husband. There were problems there. Still worried there were problems with herself, our girl returned to her doctor. She had bloodwork and a radiological procedure to look for blockages or scar tissue. There were none. Physiologically there was nothing preventing our girl from conceiving. The focus on the medical front became her husband, and they became poised for intrauterine insemination. From there I have documented my journey here in this blog. It's been tough, yes, but it has been healing and refreshing as well.
I want to leave you with a few thoughts and some encouragement.
First of all, if you find yourself pregnant with no options, you are LOVED. I know where you are. I've been there. I don't wish that on anyone. PLEASE, please find someone you can trust. Even if it's just me. Contact me, comment anonymously, give me some way to contact you. I want to support you. I want so badly to help. And I want to pray for you.
Secondly, if you have had an abortion, you are LOVED. It's ok. There is support; there is no condemnation. Again, I've been there, and let me tell you, God loves you. He is not out to punish you. He is in the renewal and redemption business. He cares, and so do I. Please, find someone to walk the journey with you, even if it's me. I may never meet you, but I love you. My heart bleeds for you. And I want to pray for you.
I leave you with these lyrics from Stellar Kart's song "Me and Jesus."
Someone loves you
Even when you don't think so
Don't you know
You got me and Jesus
By your side
Through the fight
You will never be alone
On your own
You got me and Jesus
Even when you don't think so
Don't you know
You got me and Jesus
By your side
Through the fight
You will never be alone
On your own
You got me and Jesus
Thank you for joining me on this journey, all of you. I can't wait to see where it continues to take us!
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