And then...

Just a warning:  this is not going to be an uplifting or hopeful post.  I don't know that I have any of those thoughts left right now.  It has been an intense few days, and I can honestly say that I have cried more in the last four days than I have in several months put together.  So why write?  Because I need to get it all out.  Because it all seems so stupid to say out loud and because I am more coherent with the written word than I am with vocals.

Saturday was the third - and most likely - the last IUI for us.  I have to be absolutely honest; I don't have any hope there.  Before our first IUI I did a ton of research, and after the first one, I did more.  IUI is a strategy that is most successful for mildly low sperm counts.  Most clinics won't even perform an IUI if the post-wash sperm count is below 10 million.  Well, our numbers have been 12, 10, and now 7.2.  I am not exactly brimming with anticipation for the next two weeks.

And then Sunday.  My grandmother called me and spent all of 4 seconds with a spiel about how she was "sorry she was a terrible grandmother but that I wouldn't have to worry about it anymore because I was no longer her granddaughter."  Now, mind you, we weren't fighting; in fact, we weren't really having much to do with each other at all. 

And then Monday.  Found out that the fertility clinic we have been going to does not accept our insurance now that it changed as of January 1.  It just further cemented the idea that we've most likely reached the end of treatment. 

And then today.  There are no words for today.  Suffice it to say, today was just heart-wrenching.  I can't explain it in detail, but I am just so glad that this day is just about over.

I'm sorry to be a downer, but this is me right now.  And I'm down.  So if you pray, say a little one for me?

Abraham and Sarah - a different perspective

Christians who face infertility often hear about Abraham and Sarah as an encouragement to be patient.  After all, God's timing is unfathomable and often doesn't coincide with our own.  Here's the thing, though, that some of those well-meaning encouragers seem to miss:  no matter the case, the situations are different.  I could go into an analysis of the ages of all the patriarchs and how 99 really wasn't "that old" back then (considering Noah's age, for example, when he had his sons).  I could discuss Abraham's visions and audible conversations with God.  I could go into any number of reasons why the situations are not the same, but I won't.   Because that doesn't matter.

What matters about Abraham's situation - at least to me - is the fact that he is still HUMAN.  Here is a man who is blessed with tremendous faith, who knows his God personally, who is given visions......and yet, he still has human reactions.  For example:

Abraham ARGUED with God.  In effect, he accuses God of being "out of His mind"!  Surely a child couldn't be born to an elderly couple!  That's ludicrous!  And yet, there's one more thing in his reaction:  he doesn't despair.  He doesn't accuse God of toying with him, of being cruel.  What does he do?  In the midst of 24 years of waiting for a promised child, he laughs.  He laughs!  What an attitude!  Despite having nothing to show for it, Abraham is not bitter.  He is not distraught or beaten down.  He is AMUSED.  Personally, I am not encouraged or blessed by this story of waiting or this fulfillment of promise.  But today, I am blessed by the human-ness of Abraham.  I am blessed by the laughter of a pillar of our faith.