The hubby and I went on vacation from September 8 through the 15th, during which I took my third round of Clomid. I'm happy to report that there were no yeast beasties or an attack of the killer zits this round. Whew! Also, amazingly enough, even with the increased dose of Clomid, I wasn't all that emotional.
My ovulation predictor came up smiley last Thursday, so this specialist only wanted me to come in once - the next morning. I have to say, the only part of the entire process that leaves a bad taste in my mouth is the option - the EXPECTATION - that my husband and I would not be coming together. They recommended that I come two hours after my husband so that I wouldn't be waiting two hours while they washed the sperm. Logistically, I can understand that, but humanly? The process already sterilizes the experience enough without dividing the couple. Needless to say, I went with him, and just waited. I felt like I just had to.
Anyway, they did the wash, and apparently there were 12,000,000 strong and "directionally savvy" swimmers, which is a good number according to the doctor. According to "Dr. Google," the minimum should be 10 million, so the number is good. Not stellar, but good.
So far so good, right? There's one problem. And that's my emotions. I have been entirely too excited this cycle. I'm hopeful, I'm thrilled, and I just have a feeling that this is the one. The problem is, what if this isn't the one? In that case, I'm headed for a crash that hasn't happened in years. And it won't be pretty. But I just can't seem to temper my enthusiasm. And, as horrible as it is, I have seen too many "signs."
Psychologically, there have been two random and completely coincidental things that have gotten to me in the last week. And yes, I know they are completely coincidental, but I can't seem to just laugh them off. I don't have control over my positive emotions this month. The first thing was a simple email newsletter from Jillian Michaels that I receive every day. I went in for my IUI on Friday. The very next day's newsletter's topic? "Should I workout when I'm pregnant?" Again, I know it's just a coincidence, but my heart leaped. The second thing came from a nurse in the hospital that I haven't seen in months. She saw me on the floor Tuesday and ran over to me in the station. Very seriously, she said, "Jenn, I dreamed about you two nights ago." I looked at her very strangely, and she continued to tell me that - in the dream - I was trying to teach them something low to the ground. The problem was, I was "very pregnant" and was having a hard time bending over. I must have looked a bit shocked, because the nurse then went on to say that she's been meaning to ask me if I was pregnant every since, because she's been known to have "ESP." There were a few people around, and - like I said, I haven't seen this particular nurse in months and we're not close - so I just answered "not that I know of..." Her response? "Well, if you're not, you may be soon... You might want to be careful..." The entire exchange rattled me, and I still can't get it out of my head. It was just so random.
Physically, there have been a couple things - all of which could definitely be attributed to the Clomid. I haven't experienced them before, but as I started this post, I was on a higher dose of Clomid this month. The first is the breast pain. They seem to be permanently "at attention," and everything hurts. Today was the first day that they were just overly tender as opposed to pain - and that does lend credence to the theory that it's just the Clomid - but from Sunday up through today, they have honestly HURT. Secondly, Tuesday of this week, I experienced intense vertigo. In fact, I was teaching a crisis prevention class all day, and I almost fell in front of my students. The room just started spinning. The entire day I was dizzy. Finally, just over the last couple days, I have been experiencing mild cramping. The timing is what gets me about the cramping. From what I've read, the timing is off to attribute it to the Clomid AND the IUI itself. It seems to be too "late" to be due to those two things. Of course, given my mental state this month, my heart has grabbed onto that and is hoping against hope that it is implantation cramping. But really, it could be anything.
Can you tell I have these two opposing voices in my head? I'm both eagerly anticipating and dreading next week. Because sometime next week is when I should know, either way. I'm scared. And excited. And I just can't seem to rest in God's peace and control. Any prayers you may spare would be highly appreciated. I'll keep you posted...
Blessings.
Psychologically, there have been two random and completely coincidental things that have gotten to me in the last week. And yes, I know they are completely coincidental, but I can't seem to just laugh them off. I don't have control over my positive emotions this month. The first thing was a simple email newsletter from Jillian Michaels that I receive every day. I went in for my IUI on Friday. The very next day's newsletter's topic? "Should I workout when I'm pregnant?" Again, I know it's just a coincidence, but my heart leaped. The second thing came from a nurse in the hospital that I haven't seen in months. She saw me on the floor Tuesday and ran over to me in the station. Very seriously, she said, "Jenn, I dreamed about you two nights ago." I looked at her very strangely, and she continued to tell me that - in the dream - I was trying to teach them something low to the ground. The problem was, I was "very pregnant" and was having a hard time bending over. I must have looked a bit shocked, because the nurse then went on to say that she's been meaning to ask me if I was pregnant every since, because she's been known to have "ESP." There were a few people around, and - like I said, I haven't seen this particular nurse in months and we're not close - so I just answered "not that I know of..." Her response? "Well, if you're not, you may be soon... You might want to be careful..." The entire exchange rattled me, and I still can't get it out of my head. It was just so random.
Physically, there have been a couple things - all of which could definitely be attributed to the Clomid. I haven't experienced them before, but as I started this post, I was on a higher dose of Clomid this month. The first is the breast pain. They seem to be permanently "at attention," and everything hurts. Today was the first day that they were just overly tender as opposed to pain - and that does lend credence to the theory that it's just the Clomid - but from Sunday up through today, they have honestly HURT. Secondly, Tuesday of this week, I experienced intense vertigo. In fact, I was teaching a crisis prevention class all day, and I almost fell in front of my students. The room just started spinning. The entire day I was dizzy. Finally, just over the last couple days, I have been experiencing mild cramping. The timing is what gets me about the cramping. From what I've read, the timing is off to attribute it to the Clomid AND the IUI itself. It seems to be too "late" to be due to those two things. Of course, given my mental state this month, my heart has grabbed onto that and is hoping against hope that it is implantation cramping. But really, it could be anything.
Can you tell I have these two opposing voices in my head? I'm both eagerly anticipating and dreading next week. Because sometime next week is when I should know, either way. I'm scared. And excited. And I just can't seem to rest in God's peace and control. Any prayers you may spare would be highly appreciated. I'll keep you posted...
Blessings.
