Call to Prayer

Grains of Sand

Tiny sparkling diamonds,
The result of years of polishing by an unrelenting master.
Thrown carelessly on the shore.
Tossed aside only to be pulled back.

I cup my hands around the stunning beauty
Trying so hard to hold their glitter in my grasp
But along with the water, the sand seeps through my fingers
A few tiny grains remain
The only hopes and dreams I have left. 

This is a call to prayer for a few lovely ladies for whom my heart is heavy - and who can understand the above sentiment.  Each of them has suffered a miscarriage (or more) in the past, and each is currently in the early stages of another pregnancy.  Please join me in prayer for their tender, fragile hearts as well as for the child growing within them.  Let's all agree in prayer for peace, health, and a successful pregnancy for each of them.  Can we do that?

Roller Coaster

The title says it all for this week....it has been an intense roller coaster from start to finish.

Remember how I was supposed to start my new job after the first of the year?  Well, that was supposed to take place this coming Monday (January 9).  My current boss has been - for lack of a better description - bitter and unprofessional and even immature about the entire change.  She has made comments to the effect of "I didn't even know it was posted," or "I didn't even know you were looking," or "I didn't even know that position existed," etc.  And those were the ones to my face.......  Anyways, fast forward to this week.  She put the schedule out Monday, January 2 (the one that starts January 8), and not only am I still full-time on her schedule, but I am full-time NIGHTS.  Four weeks of straight night-turn.....and then when I asked her about it, she said she had to do it.....oh, and when I do go to one day a week on the ICU, she expected that day to always be a weekend day!  I panicked.  I called the hubby, sobbing and hyperventilating.  You see, when I suffered from depression, my biggest trigger is not sleeping.  And I can't sleep during the day for more than a couple hours at a time.  And I have never done more than five night shifts in one schedule - even when I was a brand-new nurse.  This month is NOT going to be fun.  And then working every weekend?  I would never get to spend time with my hubby!  Once I calmed down and got some sleep, I called my "new" boss and requested a meeting.

That same day, my trailblazer developed a nasty thumping in the front end.....forty miles from home.  I nursed it home and then to the dealer for evaluation.  Their first impression was something was wrong with the differential.  And our warranty expired December 11, 2011.

And hubby was out of town again.  Here's me:

Finally met with my new boss Friday afternoon.  I didn't even get a single word out when she asked me what my upcoming schedule looked like.  I told her I was scheduled for four weeks of nights.  She was surprised.  I told her that I knew that the schedule could not be changed at this point, but I was concerned regarding the weekend days.  She looked right at me and said, "Here's what we are going to do.  I am going to tell ____ (my current boss) that there has been a change and that after this schedule, you will no longer be working for her at all.  You will be full-time as an educator."  Just in case I was unclear on what that meant, she elaborated that it meant Mon-Fri daylight - no weekends or holidays.  I am pretty sure my jaw hit the floor.  They had told me there was no full-time availability......apparently that had changed.  Not only will I get to see my hubby on weekends now, but I will get to see him during the week every night now!!

And my trailblazer?  Apparently the roller bearings fell out.  I have no idea what that means (I know nothing about cars), but they fixed it.  AND because it was less than a month since the warranty ran out and because we buy so many vehicles from them, they fixed it "under warranty"!

And hubby got to come home late last night.  Now, here's me:

So, the next few weeks are going to be tough, but they have an end date.  February 1st is coming.....

So, um, yeah.....that worked. *Laugh*

Well, that whole idea of posting at least twice a week?  Really really had good intentions written all over that one, and you know what they say about good intentions......  Really, though, December was a tough month - in just about every way.  The hubby was still gone, I had loads of papers due (the equivalent of having mid-terms in online classes, I think), I had to prepare for Christmas (my family came to our house), oh - and two more friends are pregnant.  Two very CLOSE friends are pregnant, and it's been hard to process.

Friend one is one of the most adorable, sweetest women I have ever met.  She is going to be a PHENOMENAL mother.  In fact, I hope her children realize just how lucky they are.  She's kind, funny, brilliant, and compassionate.  I could not be happier for her - apart from myself.  And therein lies the difficulty.  I have always been good at compartmentalizing, and in this instance, I am glad of that trait.  Because when I am with her, I can be joyful for her.  I can rejoice in the absolute sweet surprisingness of it.  But when I am alone, I am jealous.  And then angry at myself for my jealousy.  Angry because it was a surprise, an amazing one for her.  Angry because she is going to have a difficult few months coming up for various reasons.  Yet my righteous anger does not erase the self-pity that I experience.  I wish I could get a handle on that.  No, I NEED to get a handle on that.  As I get older, more friends will get pregnant.  And more will have multiple children.  What if I get to the point of deciding some of those friends don't "deserve" children more than me?  Will I become bitter?  I can't; I mustn't.  Any great suggestions out there?  For now, I will just keep being happy for those who are blessed. 

Friend two is a different situation altogether.  This friend and I have been close for a decade.  Somehow or other, though, we haven't talked since July.  Finally on Christmas day, she sent me a message via Facebook that gave at least part of the answer.  She's had a difficult time with her children, and she's pregnant again, and she was afraid to tell me.  So her solution to all that was to just not talk to me - to avoid my phone calls, texts, and messages.  What am I supposed to do with that?  How am I supposed to react?  I have never held back excitement for her - not when I didn't want children when she was pregnant with her first two and not when I did and she was pregnant with her third.  Why would she suddenly decide to disappear?  This friend means more to me than just about anyone else on the planet....I don't know how to react.

So, yeah, December's been hard. 

But December was last year.  And this is this year.  And it's time to make the best of it.  Time to get re-centered.

Blessings to you all.