So, um, yeah.....that worked. *Laugh*

Well, that whole idea of posting at least twice a week?  Really really had good intentions written all over that one, and you know what they say about good intentions......  Really, though, December was a tough month - in just about every way.  The hubby was still gone, I had loads of papers due (the equivalent of having mid-terms in online classes, I think), I had to prepare for Christmas (my family came to our house), oh - and two more friends are pregnant.  Two very CLOSE friends are pregnant, and it's been hard to process.

Friend one is one of the most adorable, sweetest women I have ever met.  She is going to be a PHENOMENAL mother.  In fact, I hope her children realize just how lucky they are.  She's kind, funny, brilliant, and compassionate.  I could not be happier for her - apart from myself.  And therein lies the difficulty.  I have always been good at compartmentalizing, and in this instance, I am glad of that trait.  Because when I am with her, I can be joyful for her.  I can rejoice in the absolute sweet surprisingness of it.  But when I am alone, I am jealous.  And then angry at myself for my jealousy.  Angry because it was a surprise, an amazing one for her.  Angry because she is going to have a difficult few months coming up for various reasons.  Yet my righteous anger does not erase the self-pity that I experience.  I wish I could get a handle on that.  No, I NEED to get a handle on that.  As I get older, more friends will get pregnant.  And more will have multiple children.  What if I get to the point of deciding some of those friends don't "deserve" children more than me?  Will I become bitter?  I can't; I mustn't.  Any great suggestions out there?  For now, I will just keep being happy for those who are blessed. 

Friend two is a different situation altogether.  This friend and I have been close for a decade.  Somehow or other, though, we haven't talked since July.  Finally on Christmas day, she sent me a message via Facebook that gave at least part of the answer.  She's had a difficult time with her children, and she's pregnant again, and she was afraid to tell me.  So her solution to all that was to just not talk to me - to avoid my phone calls, texts, and messages.  What am I supposed to do with that?  How am I supposed to react?  I have never held back excitement for her - not when I didn't want children when she was pregnant with her first two and not when I did and she was pregnant with her third.  Why would she suddenly decide to disappear?  This friend means more to me than just about anyone else on the planet....I don't know how to react.

So, yeah, December's been hard. 

But December was last year.  And this is this year.  And it's time to make the best of it.  Time to get re-centered.

Blessings to you all.