the god in my head

I was reading one of the blogs I follow (www.jonacuff.com/stuffchristianslike - check it out; you won’t be disappointed!) and was challenged by a recent post entitled “the god in our heads.”  In summary, the post contrasted the god in the writer’s head with the true God and found his self-contained god to be cold, unloving, and generally lacking in God-like qualities.  It’s a very thought-provoking post, one that caused me to evaluate my own perceptions.

I empathize with the commenter who made the observation that he tends to not expect great things so as to not be greatly disappointed.  I, too, tend to limit my expectations so as not to be let down.  Does that mean that I do not trust that my God is big enough to break all limitations?  Is the god in my head so small?  Or is he vindictive?  Does he enjoy pain?  Does he make promises only to break them so as to torture his children?  Is that really the god in my head?  Seeing it in print seems laughable, but if I am limiting my expectations, is that not what I am truly saying?  

If I truly believe that God has called me to be a mother – and I do – then why am I so depressed about missing IUI for the next several months to a year?  Is the content of my husband’s semen too insurmountable for God?  As anxious as I am, I think it’s too much for the god in my head.  However, I know the God who created the universe is so much bigger than that.  It’s time to evict the god in my head and to fully embrace the true God.

The true God is holy, loving, good, and merciful.  He is limitless and powerful.  He is a Father.  He’ll work it out.  I must simply believe and rest in His promises.

What does the god in YOUR head look like?

Decision Time

So glad that virus is history!  The crazy part?  I got it after clicking a link about Matthew West's song More.  Just like in the movies, Firefox shut down; Windows was maimed, and I could not do anything without pop-ups appearing.  So frustrating!  I'll say it again; thank GOD for the wonderful men in my life!

In other news, we came to a decision.  We decided to suspend IUI for the time being.  I will enroll in classes on August 24.  We'll continue with timing considerations for now.

I just wish I felt settled with this decision.  Instead I feel decidedly UNsettled.  I have so many thoughts and feelings rolling around in my brain, and I don't know from where they are coming.  Some of them are purely selfish.  I am giving up a vacation for our ten year anniversary.  That's tough for me.  Other thoughts are not.  We are paying out of pocket for this, and it is going to be very tight.  I am also afraid, terrified, really.  Last time I was working and in school landed me on lexapro and in therapy because I couldn't drag myself out of bed.  What if I can't handle this?

The thought/feeling that is forefront, though, I just identified this afternoon.  There have been two distinct callings in my life from God that I have missed.  The first was aborting my baby eleven years ago.  The second was not going into mission work.  What if this decision is the third?  I really do not want to miss the boat on this.  I know God is calling me to motherhood.  I KNOW that.  Is it foolish to not chase it with everything I have?  Is it foolish to suspend medical intervention?  Are we screwing up with this?

This pause will be good for us individually as well as together as a couple.  The hubby is uncomfortable with IUI; he feels it may be a way to circumvent God.  He's also feeling the pressure of guilt.  I was destroyed last month.  I am still recovering.  We could use the break, but what if it's the wrong choice?

Stupid Virus

Was unable to post Sunday through today (erm, yesterday at this point) due to a wonderful virus that laid siege to my computer.  Thankfully I have an engineer hubby and his programmer best friend......  The virus is gone, and I have my computer back!  There will be a post later today thanks to their wonderful skills.

Let's hear it for the boys!

Pain, Brokenness, and a Decision

I have spent the last eight days in a state of turmoil.  To be precise, I have been intermittently hysterical - even to the point of hyperventilation.  Wednesday night marked my first night terror in ten years.  I woke up from a horrible dream in which each of the fingers of my right hand had been drilled, and my skull had been drilled from the jaw upwards.  When I woke up, I couldn't feel my fingers or my teeth.  I could not breathe.  I could not relax.  All I could do was sob and run my tongue over my teeth and feel my fingers to ensure they were still intact.

TOM showed up the next day.

This time felt like my insides became my outsides, and the ensuing storm stirred up such raging emotions that can only be described as heart-wrenching loss.  So many things had me convinced that I would be pregnant.  Even the hubby thought "things were happening."  (His exact words)  When they weren't - when I wasn't - the world just tumbled down.  My hopes were more than "up."  My heart was set on this child that never even existed.  And now I am grieving the loss, even though there wasn't even something to lose. 

To top it all off, the hubby is under tremendous stress at work.  It came to a head Sunday evening when all of his stresses just came spewing out.  And one of them?  Despite my best attempts at redirecting responsibility, hubby still feels "at fault."  He is also having qualms about using birth control for the first 7.5 years of our marriage (I had an IUD).  He is wondering if we are being punished for attempting to wrest control from God and His timing.  Is there any way he could be right?

This keeps getting harder and more painful......and that brings me to the decision part.  I am a nurse with a critical care certification, but I do not have a bachelor's degree.  I can get my degree in 13 months or less.  We figured out a budget so that we would not have to take out a loan for me to finish, but in order to do it, we would have to forgo any further IUI treatments until next year.  Also, our anniversary trip that we were tossing around for our 10th anniversary next year would be tossed right out the window.  SO many emotions are wrapped up in this decision.  I would have my degree which I should have had quite awhile ago.  It would be nice to take a break from the monthly pressure cooker in which my heart has been housed.  But at the same time, it adds an entire year to our ages and consequently decreases our combined fertility.  I am having a hard time with this decision.  In truth, I'm just having a hard time in general.

Someday Sunday - While I'm Waiting (a prayer)

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait 

Father, I'm waiting.  I am not waiting patiently - I must admit - but I am waiting.  I'm not so hopeful right now, either, but I am waiting.  Waiting is painful, Lord.  Waiting hurts.  I am waiting for my someday, but it seems as if it will never come.  When will the waiting end?  Will it end?

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience 

I don't know how, Lord.  I am trying to be obedient, but I have yet to master the bold and confident part.  I know it's not true, but I cannot help but feel like I have been left alone.  I know you are near, and I know you work in those you have called, but I have to wonder:  did David feel alone?  Did Daniel?  

While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait 

I have no control over whether or not I get pregnant.  I have no control over how long I wait.  I can wail and beg and sob, but I cannot change the waiting.  I can, however, change how I use that time.  I long to draw closer to You, to use this time to truly know You.  I can learn what you want me to be now and in the future.  Please draw me near; draw me under your shoulder.  Whisper secrets and plans in my ear.  Wrap me in Your embrace, and never let me go.  I love You, Father, and the more I know You - the more I know You love me.  Sometimes, though, after those precious moments I spend with You, it becomes easy to lose that relationship.  Please, weave my life into Your will; make me a living, breathing testament to You while I continue to wait.

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait

I am definitely not peaceful.  I desire Your peace more than anything - except for a child of my own.  But I am not peaceful yet.  I have not learned to equate waiting with peace.  I want my someday today, now.  My spirit is in a constant state of unrest.  Just when I think I have the peace thing nailed down, Lord, my world implodes.  And the longer I wait, the less peaceful I am.  Please leave Your peace for me.   

I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

While I am waiting, Father, I will serve.  I will worship.  I will draw near to You.  Please use me.  Please keep me.  And bring me to the place You want me.  Father, bring about Your will - even if it does not line up with mine.  Until then, I am waiting.

Lyrics taken from "While I'm Waiting" by John Waller 

Limbo, Continued

As I write this, TOM still has not made an appearance, but – in truth – it’s not due at least until tomorrow.  My iPhone app (yep, there’s an app for that!) actually tells me that it’s due Friday but since I ovulated early, I would expect my period early….unless this is just a weird month all the way around….ahhh, Limbo.  You have somehow assumed control over half of my life….two out of every four weeks you dictate my mood, my actions, and even – to a degree – my exercise habits!  You could allow me a measure of fun, of relaxation, of forgetfulness even; but no, you must haunt my every waking – and now occasionally sleeping – moment.  Listen to me; I’m talking to an IDEA!  I must be out of my mind!  OK, to be precise, I was writing to one, but I digress. 

I truly feel haunted at times by the “not knowing.”  I have already touched on the “what ifs,” but it’s so much more than that this month.  As I already mentioned, I have been dreaming so much over the last week and half about either being pregnant or somehow being involved in someone/something’s pregnancy.  In my dreams I have been pregnant, my friends have been pregnant (usually without trying), and even my (spayed) dog was in labor……  Then there’s the crazy “symptoms” that go along with both pregnancy and PMS.  My boobs hurt, and they’ve been hurting for a solid week and a half.  That’s one of the first signs of pregnancy, right?  Well, it is also a sign of PMS and fluid retention.  I have been getting up in the middle of the night to pee (something I NEVER do) almost every night – also a sign of pregnancy.  However, that is also a sign of fluid retention.  I have been irritable – a classic sign of PMS.  It could also be attributed to the lack of quality sleep I have been getting.  I have been exhausted – another sign of pregnancy……or of no sleep.  I will say it again – I hate limbo.  I just want to know, you know?  But I still have between 1-3 days before I will know either way.  I need a good distraction.  Know of any?

Someday Sunday - Baby, Come Home

Baby, come home

Swing from the clouds

And into my arms

Dance on the raindrops

As they fall to the earth.

Please, baby, come home

Baby, come home

Ride a sunbeam

In its warm embrace

Soar with a blue bird

As its song fills the air

Please, baby, come home

Baby, come home

Rest in my arms

While I pull you close

Hear my heart beat

As it calls out your name

Please, baby, please, come home