Seeking the Giver, not the gift

So this morning brought with it disappointment.  Upon reading the words “Not Pregnant” on the stick, I didn't fall apart.  I wasn't destroyed.  I cried, and my heart hurt; but I was not broken.  I can only thank God for that bit of grace.  My wonderful husband then took my sniffly bum to McDonald’s for breakfast before work.  His hug was like balm on my wounded heart.

And I got to thinking.  I love my husband dearly.  Has he always given me everything I have ever wanted?  No.  Not a chance!  But I still love him.  And you know why?  Because I love HIM, not the gifts he gives me.  I think you know where I’m headed with this.  God is the ultimate Prize.  He is worth all my worship, all my desire.  It is not His gifts that make me love Him.  It is simply His character, His identity.  Even when I am disappointed, I still need to seek the Giver, not His gifts.

This is a season of growth for me.  I feel like the Bible is brand new.  My morning time with my Savior is brand new.  He never fails to show up lately.  I don’t understand what He’s doing all the time – ok, ever – but He’s there.  I know He’s the same yesterday and forever.  I know He’s all powerful, and He can and does do everything within His will.  It’s hard to swallow, but I know that power just does not extend to me having a baby – at least not at this time.  There are things I can control, and there are things I cannot.  No matter what, though, my God is in control.  And I wouldn't want it any other way.  So, for now, I will just continue to seek the Giver.

Perfect Peace

So, as you may have guessed, I did not get happy news just under four weeks ago.  TOM came, and I was wrecked.  So, we started another round of Clomid, and prepared for another IUI.  This time, I felt like I was back on the first round two years ago.  Zits and a three-day-long headache made things wonderful.  And then, short STABBING pains in the vicinity of my ovaries the entire week before ovulation.

But then the smiley face appeared, and it was time to drive the hour and a half to the clinic.  This time the experience was so much nicer.  Instead of it being a doctor I had never met injecting me with my husband’s swimmers, this time it was a nurse.  And a nurse who understood my type A tendencies/neuroses at that!  So not only did she have the general “nurse” demeanor (explaining everything as it goes along), but she went out to retrieve my chart and spent a good ~10 minutes discussing everything with me.  I left feeling so much more comfortable and relaxed than I have in months.  And the amazing thing?  That peace has continued even now.

I should be freaking out this week.  Here it is Monday, and my period is due Friday.  I should be absolutely neurotic.  But I’m not.  I’m calm and comfortable and on an even keel.  It’s nice; it’s refreshing.  I don’t know if it’s because I have more knowledge from the clinic, or if it’s because I have intentionally been so busy the last few weeks, or if I’ve just been given an extra dose of peace.  All I know is, I thank God daily for the lack of crazy in my life right now.

A Crisis of Faith

It may be simplistic to say that it has been a trying week.  Perhaps, it would be more appropriate to say it's been an extremely emotional week.  I've already explained some of the craziness, but I have to say the craziness has continued.

I have been in Minneapolis for work since Sunday afternoon, and let me just say, I was so grateful to be intermittently distracted by the conference...

I know it was entirely too early, but I decided to test on Monday anyways - just in case.  When I got the negative, honestly, it was no big deal.  After all, I KNEW it was too early.  But then yesterday happened, and all my peace and composure flew out the window.  One of my dearest and sweetest friends has been struggling with different issues with getting - and staying pregnant.  Last week a preliminary ultrasound showed some cause for concern yet again.  I have been praying nonstop for God to bless her and to miraculously place a baby where there appeared there was none.  She had another ultrasound yesterday, and she sent me the picture of the teeny tiny precious child.  I can't explain it; I was so excited that it was there, and I was so happy that this amazing woman was going to be a mother.  But I was also instantly broken and hysterical.  I can't help but wonder yet again: what about me?  Why doesn't God want ME to have a baby?  Will I ever have my own little one?  Why not me?  

I just wanted to indulge in a little self-pity, but at the same time, I hated myself for it.  What kind of a person turns happy news into a pity party?  What kind of a person takes someone else's joy and converts it into some twisted, perverse despair?

And then, this morning, another completely unrelated newsletter arrived in my email inbox - this one from Guideposts.  This week's Mysterious Ways story?  Yeah, it was about a woman who had spent two years in fertility treatment and was expecting her own little miracle now.  I have to be honest, my first thoughts were to lash out at God.  Was He really trying to encourage me, or was He truly just a cruel trickster that loved to play with my heart?  Again, I made it about me and my own pain.

Then again, I began to think back over the last few weeks.  I began to remember God's own messages to me about His identity.  Did I really think Him cruel?  No.  Did I really think it in His character to carelessly play with my heart?  No.  The reality check brought with it the reminders from this very week about how much He does truly care for me.  This conference has buoyed me with new friendships, new knowledge, and a whole lot of laughter.  It also brought the healing balm of the love of old friends.  At my very lowest over the last several days, He never left me there.  There was always someone there at the exact right time.  I hurt, and my heart broke.  But the pieces didn't scatter.  My loving Father was always ensuring that someone was there to collect them.  And THAT realization is what has gotten me through this latest crisis of faith.  No matter what happens this week, I know He will continue to carry me through - even if I may not see it at first.