Today's the Day! (Or at least one of them)

So, after diligently checking the stick (no, not the THAT one.....), I finally got the smiley face that I am ovulating.  YAY!  That means, when the office opens at ~9, I call them for a little appointment, and - as the hubby says - we "take the fun out of" making a baby.  I am excited and nervous all wrapped up into one.  My skin is tingling with anticipation.  Remember how I wasn't going to get my hopes up?  I think I have failed miserably at that one.  I would appreciate any prayers you could spare over the next two weeks.  Speaking of prayers, guess what today's devotion was.  Mathew 6:9-13 (NKJV):

⁹ In this manner, therefore, pray:

      Our Father in heaven,
      Hallowed be Your name.
       ¹⁰ Your kingdom come.
      Your will be done
      On earth as it is in heaven.
       ¹¹ Give us this day our daily bread.
       ¹² And forgive us our debts,
      As we forgive our debtors.
       ¹³ And do not lead us into temptation,
      But deliver us from the evil one.
      For Yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever. Amen.

Appropriate, no?  HIS will be done......

"Someday" Sunday

I am a dreamer.  I imagine and hope and plan before anything ever materializes – in every part of my life.  Fertility and children are no different.  So, once a week, I’m going to dedicate this space to what will be “someday.”  I’m not sure what each Sunday will hold.  It may be a letter, a poem or even a simple daydream.  But Sundays will be a day to let my mind roam among the possibilities.

Today we’ll begin with a letter to my future child:

My dearest angel,

Hi, it’s Mommy.  Wow, I haven’t met you yet, but I cannot begin to tell you how much I love you already.  I smile each time I picture your tiny hands curled around my finger.  I keep trying to imagine what you will be like.  You’ll probably be a screamer.  I was.  I didn’t sleep or sit through church until I was six months old.  It’s only “fair” that I have a screamer, too.  At least, that’s what MY mom thinks. 

Who will you take after most?  Will you be fiery and passionate like your mother or calm and steadfast like your father?  Though it would make my job more difficult, I hope you are passionate.  I hope your every breath is filled with life.  I hope you chase every dream you have so that no matter what happens, at least you’ll be happy.  Just forgive me if I forget that I want you to dream.  I am sure there will be days that your dreams will work my nerves.  In those moments, just remember that I am trying to keep up with your dizzying aspirations.

There is such a huge world out there.  I cannot wait to introduce you to it.  That is, while you are still young and will let your mother have such a role.  There is so much to see, so much to do, so much to experience.  I pray that your life is over-filled with those experiences.

For now, though, just know that I cherish you.  I do not know you – yet – but I adore you.  I am endlessly beseeching the Father for you.  I wish you were here now, but I know when you arrive it will be the best time for everyone involved.  Until then………

Love,

Mom

******************

On a side note, I completed my first round of Clomid on Friday, and I learned a few things that the doctors do not tell you.  The “typical” side effects that are listed on the pamphlet were very mild.  I was pleasantly surprised.  First off, yes, Clomid makes you moody and irritable, but it wasn’t that extreme for me.  Either that, or I’m always a witch……But I would rather believe that I wasn’t *that* moody.  I did find the littlest things made me cry, but that happens when I get PMS, so no big deal.  I had the occasional headache, but again, it was similar to having PMS.  

 However, there were two side effects I was not expecting……The first was the acne.  Oh, my goodness, do I have acne.  I don’t think I have had this many zits since high school!  They’re on the right side of my chin, the middle of my chin, my left cheek, the bridge of my nose, and the little bit of skin above the cupid’s bow of my mouth.  Ick!  Of course, a couple are cystic, so they HURT, too!  I wonder how awful my face will be if I actually get pregnant!  

The second unexpected side effect is the “yeasty beasty.”  All I have to say is thank GOD for inspiring someone to discover/create diflucan.  I haven’t had a yeast infection in years (I used to get them all the time as a teenager), so I forgot how miserable they can be.  Thankfully, there’s a nice doctor at the hospital where I work that was willing to give me a script for diflucan.  Now if it will just kick in!  I wasn’t sure if I should attribute the acne and yeast infection to the Clomid (since they weren’t listed as side effects in the pamphlet or in my handy dandy drug guide for nurses) until I did a simple internet search. There are several cases similar to mine.  I don’t know if I should be relieved or worried.  Will I get a yeast infection with every course?  (provided, of course, that this round of IUI does not work)  I’d rather not think about that possibility.  Oh, and doctors, if you’re prescribing Clomid, warn your patients of that possibility! 

The Guarantee

Wouldn't it be nice if life came with a "money-back guarantee"?  For instance, every Christmas would have snow.  Spring would actually start on the equinox (instead of more snow.....).  If you follow the "rules" of conception and try the right days every month, you WILL get pregnant.......Oh, wait, there are no guarantees.

Yesterday I started my first round of Clomid with the goal of our first try at intrauterine insemination (IUI) next week - provided the stick tells me I am ovulating.   I want a guarantee.  I want to know that this month - or sometime in the next 6 months - IUI will work.  I want the doctor to tell me I will have a little bundle of joy as a result of the mood swings and/or weight gain that comes with Clomid.  Unfortunately, the only guarantee that exists is that there is only a ~20 % chance it will work.  One in five.  Isn't that fun?  From my point of view, it really isn't.  It's kind of disheartening.  Despite the chances, I know I will get my hopes up.  Despite my best efforts, I will hope and dream and pray that my period does not come.

Ah, wait, what was that?  Prayer.  It is so easy to forget that there are some guarantees in life.  I know my God hears me and that He has a plan for me.  I know that if I am diligent, I will find myself smack-dab in the middle of that plan.  How do I know?  Because His Word tells me so:

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ¹² Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.  ~ Jeremiah 29:11-13 (NIV)

And how fitting that my devotions yesterday included these verses:

⁷ If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, you will^[a] ask what you desire, and it shall be done for you. ⁸ By this My Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit; so you will be My disciples.  ~ John 15:7-8 (NKJV)

So, today, I will rest in the guarantees that I have.  I will rest in the guarantee that God is in control.  If I seek Him with my whole heart, I will find him.  If I abide - that is, if I persevere, withstand, and remain in relationship (dictionary.com) - in Christ, my Father will be glorified.  If I am in His call and in His will, I have a guarantee that the best will come.  And isn't that the best guarantee there is?

Welcome!

Welcome.  Pull up a chair.  It's so nice to meet you all.  There's water on the stove for tea.  I hope you like hibiscus, but if not, there is some Earl Grey and plain black tea in the cupboard.  Oh, and if you are craving something sweet, there is even some hot chocolate hidden in the pantry.

Now, let me briefly introduce myself.  (The full story will come out in time.)  My name is Jenn.  My hubby and I have lived in a small community in Pennsylvania all our lives, including the last eight and a half years that we have shared as husband and wife.  About fourteen months ago we decided that it was time to expand our little family unit with the blessings of children.  Fast forward a year later, and - despite our best efforts at timing and an herbal remedy or two - there was still no child on the immediate horizon.  We called my ob/gyn who - after several questions about timing and my cycle - recommended a basic semen analysis.  There were definitely some issues.  My doctor said that - barring a miracle - we would not be able to conceive without some help.  Um, what?  Really?

Time to commence the praying.  I poured my heart out to God so often that I felt like a broken record.  Was I meant to have children?  Should I just accept that being a mother was not in the cards?  Was my husband's gentle leadership meant only for me and not for some mysterious little ones?  Or was this a test?  Or even, was this punishment for previous bad decisions?  Hello, God?  Are you listening?  I'd like an answer now.  I mean, like, NOW!  I didn't mention I was impatient, did I?

Fast forward a couple more months to yesterday.  There was a women's breakfast at a friend's church.  The speaker?  Oh, yeah, she *happened* to be a woman who had dealt with infertility herself.  No, that was not the message of the day, just part of her history.  I would guess her situation was similar to ours based only on the fact that she and her husband had tried artificial insemination which is what our next step in our journey is.  Did she conceive through intrauterine insemination (IUI)?  Nope.  They adopted.  And then, they got pregnant.  Like I said, that was just her back story, not the message of the day, but it spoke to me.  I don't believe in coincidences.  And no, my friend did not know the speaker's story when she invited me.

One of the verses read during the actual message was Mark 5:34.  It's simple:

And He said to her, "Daughter, your faith has made you well. Go in peace, and be healed of your affliction." (NKJV)

At that moment, I finally felt God speaking directly to my heart.  He had heard me!  And, yes, I am meant to be a mother.  Peace just flooded my entire being.  I know I was meant to be there yesterday morning.  I know I was meant to hear from that woman.  I know that verse was just for me at that moment in time.  And I know I will be a mother.  I AM a mother in faith, by my faith.  Come with me on this journey.  I don't know how long it will be.  I don't know where the journey will take me.  Won't you join me and keep me company?