Someday Sunday - Dreams

A pixie comes with gossamer wings
To sit on my shoulder and tell me things.
She speaks of love and loss most grave
Of knights and ladies and the occasional knave.
She tells of a place where good always wins;
Where evil's defeated; true love never ends.
The more I hear the more I yearn,
But her time is up; she must return
To that place where she calls home.
With a flick of her wings, she's left me alone
In the still of the night, I am no longer miffed;
For along with her words, she's left me a gift.
When all is at rest, and the darkness is thick,
I feel in my chest my own little flick.
My heart has grown wings and eyes to behold
The beautiful land of which I've been told.

More

I realized in the last couple of weeks that although the hubby and I are not actively pursuing the gift of parenthood at the moment, I'm forgetting the second half of the title of my blog.  My blog is titled "Mother in Faith, by Faith."  My faith is not contingent on whether or not I have a child.  My faith is a reflection of my love for my Savior because of His love for me.  My faith is an act of obedience.  If my faith is important enough to be in the title of my blog, is it not important enough to write about on a regular basis?  Shouldn't my faith be just as documented as my quest to have children?  In that vein, I am going to resume writing.  Expect at least two posts per week from now on.  There will be weeks that I don't make that, I'm sure.  There will also be weeks that my heart will be so full that I will post more.  Regardless, there will be more.  God is good.

**********

Speaking of more, starting sometime after the first of the year, I will finally be able to attend church every Sunday - at least, I think so.  As of today, I have a new title at my hospital.  As of today, I am the hospital educator.  In theory, what that means is that I will work one 12-hour shift on the ICU (to maintain my CCRN status and to maintain my full-time status at the hospital) and then I will work the remainder of my hours in education.  Again, in theory, I will set my own schedule.  I will FINALLY be able to be part of a church again.  And my hubby and I have also finally settled on a particular church.  Over the last eight weeks, this church has been going through the tenets of its doctrine.  Beyond the explanation of its doctrine, the sermons were concerned with application.  Even the hubby is satisfied.  He has given us abundantly more.  God is so good.

**********

 On the baby front, things are status quo.  We are attempting timing again, but even that has suddenly become difficult since last month I was five days late.  Alas, what will be will be.  After all, God is good.  And God is more.  More than sufficient.  More than we ask.  Simply more. 

My Child

God has been teaching me peace over the last two weeks.  I last posted in a state of despair.  I was feeling so alone and forgotten.  And that's right where God met me.  He took my breaking heart and held it because I was no longer able to hold it myself.  Amazingly enough, He has been my portion.  Yeah, I know, I should have known that quite a long time ago, right?  Why is it so easy to forget?

This weekend - as I previously mentioned - was Women of Faith in Pittsburgh.  While it wasn't particularly refreshing or revelatory as I had hoped, it was a time of confirmation, of reassurance.  And it was a time of enlightenment.  There are many ways to be a "mother."  Obviously, you can become pregnant and carry a child to term.  There is always the option of adoption.  There is also the opportunity to be a "mother" figure.  I have a child, if only in my heart.  There is an organization called World Vision through which my husband and I are sponsoring a child.  We do not know if it is a boy or a girl or how old he/she is, but we do know the child is from Guatemala and desperately needs our support.  This, then, is my heart-child.  We will "meet" him or her in approximately six weeks, but until then, our prayers will carry this little one to heaven's throne. 

I pray my praises will also reach heaven's ears, for God is doing a new thing in my heart.  He has sent me peace.  I know in my soul that He is in control, and I rest in His embrace.  For that, may my words be as incense as this song exhibits:

Feeling a Bit Sorry for Myself

This is not going to be an inspirational or uplifting post.  I have been having a hard time over the last couple of weeks, despite being insanely busy.  Two weeks ago was my "ovulation date," and things happened as they should.  Hope is there as it always is, but I have stopped hanging all my hopes on one nail.  That nail is getting rusty and bent and can't take the weight.  If that nail falls, I would be devastated again, and there is just too much going on right now to take a moment of devastation, you know?  So I have taken to hanging only one hope on that nail per month. 

Anyways, I digress.  This week has been tough.  Of course, it's my PMS week, so everything is worse than normal.  Add a little absent husband (working in Canada, bachelor party in Atlantic City with his college buddies) and a dash of night-turn for me.  Simmer with a dash of food poisoning, no word on a job opportunity, and another pregnant friend; and just watch the kettle boil.

Yesterday I was scheduled for a 7PM-7AM shift at the hospital.  I woke up extremely nauseous but still planning on going into work.  Three hours later I was violently ill, and unable to go to work.  For the next three hours, I was sick and alone and lonely.  I called Brian, and he told me his friend - who just got married Memorial Day weekend - is already pregnant and due ~March.  Meaning, they got pregnant right away.  He told me because he thought I already knew, but I didn't.  It just made me feel worse...  To top it all off, I posted about being sick on facebook, and of course the first comment I get is a question about whether or not I'm pregnant.  So last night I threw myself a little pity party. 

I am feeling better this morning - both physically and emotionally - but I am still a bit down.  My period is due today.  I think once it comes I will be able to "readjust" and get past the emotional and hormonal turmoil.  Then I can stop being jealous and go back to being the happy supportive friend.  That's the Jenn that I like, not this sulky one. 

On a positive note, next weekend is Women of Faith.  Here's hoping for renewal and refreshment.  I know I could sure use some. 

Sanctuary

Lord prepare me to be a sanctuary,
Pure and holy, tried and true,
With thanksgiving, I'll be a living
Sanctuary for You

I have always loved this song.  It’s simple yet beautiful.  However, like many worship choruses, after a blazing run in popularity, it has faded into obscurity.  I started thinking on it this weekend.  I am one that if I am singing something, it had better be true.  Words are my lifeblood:  if they are spoken or written, I had better mean them.  Just ask my husband.  I can’t decide if I like a song on the radio or not until I have heard all the lyrics.  The melody, bass, or harmonies can be amazing, but if the lyrics do not reflect my heart in some way, I could do without the song.

So what does this song mean?  What is a sanctuary?  According to dictionary.com, a sanctuary is a “sacred or holy place” or a place “where fugitives were entitled to immunity.”  In other words, a sanctuary is a safe place where God dwells.  I would like to think that my heart meets those requirements.  It holds so many secrets – so many desires – deep inside and safe.  And I know my Lord lives there.  But is it holy?  Is it pure?  No, it is not.  I try.  I find myself falling at my Savior’s feet, begging for His heart to replace my own, but in all reality, my heart is still selfish, still human. 

And if I'm holy, as You are holy,
Then I'll see You, face to face.
Melt and mold me into Your image,
Take me to Your holy place.

What does it mean to be holy?  The college that I attended had “Holiness Unto the Lord” carved into its altar.  It was set apart, dedicated in whole to a God Who called us to such a life.  We are to be so holy that we are set apart. 

This last month – without the hustle and bustle of fertility treatments or worrying if I could be pregnant or not – has been a relief.  It’s been a sort of calm.  I have spent the time in preparation, if you will.  My healthy eating habits and hardcore exercise (if I’m not sweating buckets, I don’t feel like I’ve worked hard enough……) have returned.  My devotional time is more about spending time with a dear Friend and less about petitioning Him for a baby.  This weekend, preparation has been a huge theme for me.  I want a baby, yes, but I am not ready for one.  My husband is not ready for one.  That is hard to type and even harder to accept, but it is true.  This time – forced on me by our lack of excess funds – is a time of preparation.  I will use it as preparation for motherhood, yes, but most of all, I will use it as preparation to be a “sacred or holy place” that is honoring to my God. 

Lord prepare me to be a sanctuary,
Pure and holy, tried and true,
With thanksgiving, I'll be a living
Sanctuary for You

Do You See Christ or the Wind?

The last time I was able to go to church (ugh, 3 weeks ago..... just writing that phrase makes me irritated with my job......but I digress), God truly used the sermon to touch my heart.  Other than the Great Commission, my favorite story in all the Gospels is the one found in Matthew 14:22-33 - when Jesus and Peter walk on the water.  However, until a few Sundays ago, I had no idea the amount you could learn in those twelve verses.  Oh, and the funny thing?  I don't think the sermon had anything to do with what I took away from it.  Ha ha.

First of all, it's comforting to know that even those closest to Jesus - those who actually walked and talked physically with Him had moments of doubt.  But what I didn't realize was that Peter's doubt didn't just start once he was already out on the water.  Verse 28 says "IF it is You, command me to come to you."  In other words, if You are who You say You are, give me a sign.  I'll do whatever You say, but I have to be sure it's You.  The crazy part?  Just before Peter makes this statement, Jesus had said "Be of good cheer!  It is I, do not be afraid."  I wonder if God ever gets tired of us asking for confirmation.  Does He ever get exasperated?  Does He ever feel like "I've told you time and time again....how many times do you need Me to repeat Myself????" 

Once Peter gets out on the water, I can imagine all sorts of thoughts running through his head.  I know what would be going through mine.  For instance:  "ok, I know Jesus is God; HE can walk on water, but who am I?  I am NOT God; I can't walk on water, can I?  Uh, Jesus?  You sure you wanted me to step onto this raging, churning sea?  You do realize the laws of physics, right?  I mean, You made them, so You should know them.  Wait, He called me; He won't let me drown.  One step, two steps.....yeah, we can do this.  Oh, God, I can't reach the boat anymore.  I can't go back!  If this isn't what He wanted me to do, I'm screwed!  I am going to die, right here, because of what I THOUGHT was God calling me to something.  Oh, my, I'm losing my balance....."  And right about that time is when I imagine Peter "seeing the wind."  He begins to sink, but instead of despairing, he finds his faith again and calls to Jesus "Lord, save me!"  He didn't say "Hey, guys on the boat, come back!" or "Throw me a life preserver!"  He didn't simply sink, resigned to his fate.  He didn't rant against Jesus for telling him to step out of the boat.  No, when it counted, he knew Who would save him.  He knew Who held his life.

I don't believe, now, that this story is a story of doubts.  I believe this story is a true, real-life accounting of faith.  Yeah, Peter had his doubts.  But what faith it took to step out of the boat!  And, DESPITE his doubts, what faith it took to reach out to Jesus.  And what faith it took to not "blame" Jesus for his own failings. 

Over the last year and a half I have been at all points in this story.  I have been gung-ho; I have been cautiously optimistic; I have questioned timing.  I have even questioned the call.  I have seen the wind and waves - or physiological barriers.  And I have called out to be rescued as I was sinking.  But my journey on the water is not complete.  It's just beginning.  I can only hope that after the fact, my story is one of faith - just like Peter's.

Still Here

I am still here, and I have a ton of things to write, but every time I sit down and put fingers to keys, the words just disappear.  Thanks for bearing with me!

the god in my head

I was reading one of the blogs I follow (www.jonacuff.com/stuffchristianslike - check it out; you won’t be disappointed!) and was challenged by a recent post entitled “the god in our heads.”  In summary, the post contrasted the god in the writer’s head with the true God and found his self-contained god to be cold, unloving, and generally lacking in God-like qualities.  It’s a very thought-provoking post, one that caused me to evaluate my own perceptions.

I empathize with the commenter who made the observation that he tends to not expect great things so as to not be greatly disappointed.  I, too, tend to limit my expectations so as not to be let down.  Does that mean that I do not trust that my God is big enough to break all limitations?  Is the god in my head so small?  Or is he vindictive?  Does he enjoy pain?  Does he make promises only to break them so as to torture his children?  Is that really the god in my head?  Seeing it in print seems laughable, but if I am limiting my expectations, is that not what I am truly saying?  

If I truly believe that God has called me to be a mother – and I do – then why am I so depressed about missing IUI for the next several months to a year?  Is the content of my husband’s semen too insurmountable for God?  As anxious as I am, I think it’s too much for the god in my head.  However, I know the God who created the universe is so much bigger than that.  It’s time to evict the god in my head and to fully embrace the true God.

The true God is holy, loving, good, and merciful.  He is limitless and powerful.  He is a Father.  He’ll work it out.  I must simply believe and rest in His promises.

What does the god in YOUR head look like?

Decision Time

So glad that virus is history!  The crazy part?  I got it after clicking a link about Matthew West's song More.  Just like in the movies, Firefox shut down; Windows was maimed, and I could not do anything without pop-ups appearing.  So frustrating!  I'll say it again; thank GOD for the wonderful men in my life!

In other news, we came to a decision.  We decided to suspend IUI for the time being.  I will enroll in classes on August 24.  We'll continue with timing considerations for now.

I just wish I felt settled with this decision.  Instead I feel decidedly UNsettled.  I have so many thoughts and feelings rolling around in my brain, and I don't know from where they are coming.  Some of them are purely selfish.  I am giving up a vacation for our ten year anniversary.  That's tough for me.  Other thoughts are not.  We are paying out of pocket for this, and it is going to be very tight.  I am also afraid, terrified, really.  Last time I was working and in school landed me on lexapro and in therapy because I couldn't drag myself out of bed.  What if I can't handle this?

The thought/feeling that is forefront, though, I just identified this afternoon.  There have been two distinct callings in my life from God that I have missed.  The first was aborting my baby eleven years ago.  The second was not going into mission work.  What if this decision is the third?  I really do not want to miss the boat on this.  I know God is calling me to motherhood.  I KNOW that.  Is it foolish to not chase it with everything I have?  Is it foolish to suspend medical intervention?  Are we screwing up with this?

This pause will be good for us individually as well as together as a couple.  The hubby is uncomfortable with IUI; he feels it may be a way to circumvent God.  He's also feeling the pressure of guilt.  I was destroyed last month.  I am still recovering.  We could use the break, but what if it's the wrong choice?

Stupid Virus

Was unable to post Sunday through today (erm, yesterday at this point) due to a wonderful virus that laid siege to my computer.  Thankfully I have an engineer hubby and his programmer best friend......  The virus is gone, and I have my computer back!  There will be a post later today thanks to their wonderful skills.

Let's hear it for the boys!

Pain, Brokenness, and a Decision

I have spent the last eight days in a state of turmoil.  To be precise, I have been intermittently hysterical - even to the point of hyperventilation.  Wednesday night marked my first night terror in ten years.  I woke up from a horrible dream in which each of the fingers of my right hand had been drilled, and my skull had been drilled from the jaw upwards.  When I woke up, I couldn't feel my fingers or my teeth.  I could not breathe.  I could not relax.  All I could do was sob and run my tongue over my teeth and feel my fingers to ensure they were still intact.

TOM showed up the next day.

This time felt like my insides became my outsides, and the ensuing storm stirred up such raging emotions that can only be described as heart-wrenching loss.  So many things had me convinced that I would be pregnant.  Even the hubby thought "things were happening."  (His exact words)  When they weren't - when I wasn't - the world just tumbled down.  My hopes were more than "up."  My heart was set on this child that never even existed.  And now I am grieving the loss, even though there wasn't even something to lose. 

To top it all off, the hubby is under tremendous stress at work.  It came to a head Sunday evening when all of his stresses just came spewing out.  And one of them?  Despite my best attempts at redirecting responsibility, hubby still feels "at fault."  He is also having qualms about using birth control for the first 7.5 years of our marriage (I had an IUD).  He is wondering if we are being punished for attempting to wrest control from God and His timing.  Is there any way he could be right?

This keeps getting harder and more painful......and that brings me to the decision part.  I am a nurse with a critical care certification, but I do not have a bachelor's degree.  I can get my degree in 13 months or less.  We figured out a budget so that we would not have to take out a loan for me to finish, but in order to do it, we would have to forgo any further IUI treatments until next year.  Also, our anniversary trip that we were tossing around for our 10th anniversary next year would be tossed right out the window.  SO many emotions are wrapped up in this decision.  I would have my degree which I should have had quite awhile ago.  It would be nice to take a break from the monthly pressure cooker in which my heart has been housed.  But at the same time, it adds an entire year to our ages and consequently decreases our combined fertility.  I am having a hard time with this decision.  In truth, I'm just having a hard time in general.

Someday Sunday - While I'm Waiting (a prayer)

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait 

Father, I'm waiting.  I am not waiting patiently - I must admit - but I am waiting.  I'm not so hopeful right now, either, but I am waiting.  Waiting is painful, Lord.  Waiting hurts.  I am waiting for my someday, but it seems as if it will never come.  When will the waiting end?  Will it end?

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience 

I don't know how, Lord.  I am trying to be obedient, but I have yet to master the bold and confident part.  I know it's not true, but I cannot help but feel like I have been left alone.  I know you are near, and I know you work in those you have called, but I have to wonder:  did David feel alone?  Did Daniel?  

While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait 

I have no control over whether or not I get pregnant.  I have no control over how long I wait.  I can wail and beg and sob, but I cannot change the waiting.  I can, however, change how I use that time.  I long to draw closer to You, to use this time to truly know You.  I can learn what you want me to be now and in the future.  Please draw me near; draw me under your shoulder.  Whisper secrets and plans in my ear.  Wrap me in Your embrace, and never let me go.  I love You, Father, and the more I know You - the more I know You love me.  Sometimes, though, after those precious moments I spend with You, it becomes easy to lose that relationship.  Please, weave my life into Your will; make me a living, breathing testament to You while I continue to wait.

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait

I am definitely not peaceful.  I desire Your peace more than anything - except for a child of my own.  But I am not peaceful yet.  I have not learned to equate waiting with peace.  I want my someday today, now.  My spirit is in a constant state of unrest.  Just when I think I have the peace thing nailed down, Lord, my world implodes.  And the longer I wait, the less peaceful I am.  Please leave Your peace for me.   

I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

While I am waiting, Father, I will serve.  I will worship.  I will draw near to You.  Please use me.  Please keep me.  And bring me to the place You want me.  Father, bring about Your will - even if it does not line up with mine.  Until then, I am waiting.

Lyrics taken from "While I'm Waiting" by John Waller 

Limbo, Continued

As I write this, TOM still has not made an appearance, but – in truth – it’s not due at least until tomorrow.  My iPhone app (yep, there’s an app for that!) actually tells me that it’s due Friday but since I ovulated early, I would expect my period early….unless this is just a weird month all the way around….ahhh, Limbo.  You have somehow assumed control over half of my life….two out of every four weeks you dictate my mood, my actions, and even – to a degree – my exercise habits!  You could allow me a measure of fun, of relaxation, of forgetfulness even; but no, you must haunt my every waking – and now occasionally sleeping – moment.  Listen to me; I’m talking to an IDEA!  I must be out of my mind!  OK, to be precise, I was writing to one, but I digress. 

I truly feel haunted at times by the “not knowing.”  I have already touched on the “what ifs,” but it’s so much more than that this month.  As I already mentioned, I have been dreaming so much over the last week and half about either being pregnant or somehow being involved in someone/something’s pregnancy.  In my dreams I have been pregnant, my friends have been pregnant (usually without trying), and even my (spayed) dog was in labor……  Then there’s the crazy “symptoms” that go along with both pregnancy and PMS.  My boobs hurt, and they’ve been hurting for a solid week and a half.  That’s one of the first signs of pregnancy, right?  Well, it is also a sign of PMS and fluid retention.  I have been getting up in the middle of the night to pee (something I NEVER do) almost every night – also a sign of pregnancy.  However, that is also a sign of fluid retention.  I have been irritable – a classic sign of PMS.  It could also be attributed to the lack of quality sleep I have been getting.  I have been exhausted – another sign of pregnancy……or of no sleep.  I will say it again – I hate limbo.  I just want to know, you know?  But I still have between 1-3 days before I will know either way.  I need a good distraction.  Know of any?

Someday Sunday - Baby, Come Home

Baby, come home

Swing from the clouds

And into my arms

Dance on the raindrops

As they fall to the earth.

Please, baby, come home

Baby, come home

Ride a sunbeam

In its warm embrace

Soar with a blue bird

As its song fills the air

Please, baby, come home

Baby, come home

Rest in my arms

While I pull you close

Hear my heart beat

As it calls out your name

Please, baby, please, come home

Clomid, Round 2

I know, I'm a bit out of order, but I wanted to write my IUI blog while it was still fresh.  Leading up to that, though, was my second round of Clomid.  On the whole, this round was much easier.  There were much fewer zits (yay!) and no rampant fungal infection (BIG yay!).  I was, however, much more emotional.  I started the clomid Tuesday the 14th and continued it until Saturday the 18th.  Everything started making me weepy.  Between that and the debacle that was our trip home......  Let's just say I was happy when I got on a semi-even keel.  I say semi-even because I am still a bit weepy.

Since this round of clomid/IUI, the days are dragging.  These two weeks are crawling so slowly that I can see the weeds growing in my garden - millimeter by millimeter.  I am not a very patient person.  I just feel like I am in limbo, and limbo is not a very peaceful place to be.  Those two weeks between ovulation and the day your period is supposed to start are laden with "what ifs."  What if I'm pregnant?  I can't have caffeine if I am pregnant.  Can I dye my hair if I'm pregnant?  I can't go down to fluoroscopy (where we assist with procedures under xray) if I'm pregnant.  What if I refuse those things?  What do I say?  What excuse can I give?  I have done everything in my power to not have people discussing our baby situation.  In fact very few people in real life know that we have even been trying.  No matter what excuse I can imagine, people will talk.  Refusing coffee when I've been exhausted?  Not covering the sprout of gray at my right temple?  Refusing to do a part of my job without grounds?  And then there's always that other "what if."  What if I'm not pregnant?  *sigh*  I hate these two weeks.

On a side note, as for my previous blog on doubt, I know there will be days that I will feel hopeless.  What can I say?  I'm human, but I realized something.  The three gifts mentioned in 1 Corinthians 13 are faith, hope, and love.  These gifts are commonly treated as nouns - things - but they are words of intention, of action, as well.  Though I may *feel* hopeless, I can decide to hope.  Though I may doubt, I can choose to have faith.  In answer to my previous questions, I know God called me to be a mother.  I don't believe in coincidences; therefore, I cannot read too much into them.  And finally, even air is not thin if I am stepping out on faith.  Even if I fall, my Father's arms will catch me.

And like I said, I have a good feeling about this month.  Now can someone hurry up and invent a time machine so I can find out already? 

Doubt

Do you ever have one of those days where you question everything?  Where nothing seems as sure as you once thought?  Where faith has taken a break?  Like:

What if I imagined God telling me to be a mother?

What if I am reading too much into situations that were merely coincidences?

 What if I've already told people - in my case, in a public blog - that I am called to be a mother, and I'm wrong?

What if I have stepped out in what I thought was faith only to find it to truly be thin air?

Yeah, I'm having one of those days.  Any brilliance to share?

Someday Sunday

“Someday” is a word of hope.  Believe it or not, an ad for a perfume sums it up pretty well:

“Someday is why we never say never.  It’s the reason we never give up, the reason we never give in.  It’s a place in our hearts that can’t be broken, where our dreams come true.  It’s the moment we’ll never let go.”

~ taken from an ad for Someday by Justin Bieber, 2011

I have to hand it to the marketing staff for that perfume.  That description is perfect.  It’s heavy with imagery, with emotion.  There is promise in “someday.”  Someday is magical.  Someday is heavy with dreams and plans.  

I dream of a little girl with dark brown hair that will love to jump around and get into things.  She'll love to explore and play and get into mischief.  She'll conquer the world - someday.

I also dream of a shy little boy who wants to be just like his father.  He'll want to be on the computer all the time, and I'll have to chase him out of the house to play.  He'll be reluctant but will eventually make friends with the neighborhood kids - someday.

I have plans of late-night feedings and walks in the park with a stroller.  I have plans to impart the magic of Christmas and Easter.  I can't wait to take my son or daughter out for the birthday, to celebrate the absolute joy of his/her birth.  I can't even wait until I have tons of diapers of which to dispose.  It will happen - someday.

 ²³ Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful.  

~Hebrews 10:23 NKJV

Where have I been?

Where have I been?  Hmm, that's a good question. 

Mentally, I've been on hiatus.  The telling of my story was very cathartic (and hopefully helpful to someone out in the interwebs) - yes - but it was also extremely draining.  My words seemed to dry up.  I cannot tell you how many unfinished blog entries are sitting on my computer right now.  I guess they will serve as fodder in the future.  I just needed a little time for my brain to recover.

Physically, I've been to Florida and back on vacation.  Last week was spent blissfully disconnected in a hotel in Orlando.  This was the view from our window:

And this little guy came to visit me frequently while I lay by the pool:

The week culminated in a trip here:

Yep, that's Hogwarts, part of the Wizarding World of Harry Potter at Universal Studios Islands of Adventure.  Did I mention I have a thing for fantasy?  Maybe I forgot.  I happen to be a HUGE Harry Potter fan, and this section of the park did NOT disappoint. 

I wish we could have stayed forever.  Unfortunately, we couldn't.  Our trip home was horrible.  Our flight was delayed and then eventually cancelled.  We didn't make it to the Taylor Swift concert for which I had tickets.  (Tickets, by the way that I bothered my mother to use her credit card so that I could buy them on presale.  Yeah, I wanted them THAT badly.  Anyone want to take me to another of her shows?  Pretty please?  With cherries on top?)

Then my car wouldn't start.  Turns out, if you leave your GPS plugged in for over a week while you are on vacation in paradise, your battery turns to mush.  Lesson learned.  Then the hubs got called to Chicago unexpectedly.  It was an interesting weekend. 

When you're stuck in the rut of seeing all these minor things happening, it's hard to notice something truly miraculous.  That is, until it smacks you upside the head.  Consider me smacked as of yesterday.  Yesterday was the day I was supposed to start testing for ovulation to set up for our second round of IUI.  I forgot to buy a kit when I was out on Tuesday, and I only had one strip left.  I truly debated on using it yesterday because 1) I am always so regular and I wasn't due to ovulate until Friday and 2)  I was scheduled to work till 11:30PM yesterday and wouldn't get a chance to buy another kit until this morning.  Then yesterday morning I forgot to pee on the stick until after it was too late, and I decided that the decision was made for me.  Somehow, though, I could NOT get it out of my head.  I truly believe God was poking me.  

I couldn't let it go, so one hour later (even though cognitively I knew that one hour was not enough time for the hormone to build up optimally), I peed on my last stick and just about fell on the floor when it came up positive - two days earlier than it should have.  All of a sudden there were several calls that had to be made and several things that had to work out "just so" in order to make it to the physician's office and work in the afternoon.  Amazingly enough, it all worked out.  God worked it all out.  The timing was impeccable.

Maybe it's wishful thinking; maybe I am just looking for something that is not there, but the fact remains that I should have missed yesterday, multiple times over, but I didn't.  That leaves me hopeful about this round.  It leaves me with a good feeling.  I'd appreciate any prayers you could spare.

Aside from the drama that was this week, it's good to be back.  I have missed you.

My Story - Part IV: Redemption

I have had such a hard time with writing this last segment of my past journey.  There is so much I want to get across to you, but I just cannot seem to find the words.  I have literally sat down every day since Thursday and written a different draft each day.  I have not been happy with any of them.  I am not sure why this part is the hardest for me to write.  It's a story of resolution and redemption.  It's a love story between a woman and a man and a woman and God.  It's about new beginnings and coming full circle.  Why is it so hard to capture the substance - the essence, if you will - of such a story?  Knowing that I have never been - and will never be - perfect, here is my best attempt to tell the culmination of that story.  Here's warning, though, this will be a long post.

The last thing I said was that something truly remarkable happened just a few days after realizing this girl's first love was truly not "the one."  That remarkable thing?  Our girl went to church and met the most "boring" man she had ever met in her life - or so she thought.  However, despite her first impression, and despite her earlier resolve to never get married, God wove the hearts of these two people together - and quickly.  The "boring" man was a wonderful man - kind and compassionate, gentle and generous.  He was intriguing and intelligent and challenging.  He was the best thing to ever walk into our girl's life and the greatest gift she had ever received.  Thirteen months after the two had met, they became husband and wife.

Their life together had its ups and downs, as all marriages do, but it was - and is - always rich.  There were questions, of course, as to why there were no children in such a happy union, but they were always fielded with grace.  With each passing year, our girl seemed to gain a new reason that children were a bad idea.  Her past certainly contributed as did things in her distant childhood.  This girl did not deserve the gift of children, and even if she did, she would not be a good steward of that gift.  Fears of being an abusive mother or an absent mother or - worst of all - a resentful mother simply piled upon the guilt of her previous actions.  She had the quiet support of her husband, and life was good.  Then something else remarkable happened.  Seven and a half years after they were married, on a long road trip to Michigan to visit our girl's college roommate, the subject of children came up again.  Six hours and several miles later this girl and her husband had discussed, rehashed, and discussed the topic some more.  Together they came to the decision that they would start trying.  One week later, at her yearly gyne appointment, her IUD was removed, and the couple was poised to become parents.

To say our girl was fine with the decision would be laughable.  She alternated between freaking out and wondering why it had not happened yet.  She was TERRIFIED.  She was excited.  The roller coaster continued for approximately nine months.  (Isn't it ironic that her vacillation lasted for the incubation period of a child?)  That's when she truly began to want a child.  Three months later when the couple still hadn't conceived, she made an appointment with her gyne yet again.  She had the fear that the abortion had altered her uterus or tubes.  The first step in the testing process was to test her husband.  There were problems there.  Still worried there were problems with herself, our girl returned to her doctor.  She had bloodwork and a radiological procedure to look for blockages or scar tissue.  There were none.  Physiologically there was nothing preventing our girl from conceiving.  The focus on the medical front became her husband, and they became poised for intrauterine insemination.  From there I have documented my journey here in this blog.  It's been tough, yes, but it has been healing and refreshing as well.

I want to leave you with a few thoughts and some encouragement. 

First of all, if you find yourself pregnant with no options, you are LOVED.  I know where you are.  I've been there.  I don't wish that on anyone.  PLEASE, please find someone you can trust.  Even if it's just me.  Contact me, comment anonymously, give me some way to contact you.  I want to support you.  I want so badly to help.  And I want to pray for you.

Secondly, if you have had an abortion, you are LOVED.  It's ok.  There is support; there is no condemnation.  Again, I've been there, and let me tell you, God loves you.  He is not out to punish you.  He is in the renewal and redemption business.  He cares, and so do I.  Please, find someone to walk the journey with you, even if it's me.  I may never meet you, but I love you.  My heart bleeds for you.  And I want to pray for you.

I leave you with these lyrics from Stellar Kart's song "Me and Jesus."

Someone loves you
Even when you don't think so
Don't you know
You got me and Jesus
By your side
Through the fight
You will never be alone
On your own
You got me and Jesus

Thank you for joining me on this journey, all of you.  I can't wait to see where it continues to take us!

My Story - Part III: It's always darkest before the dawn

Yesterday’s story ended with a pregnant, scared, and distraught teenager.  How could this situation have happened to her?  All of a sudden the magnitude of her apathy descended like a heavy blanket, smothering and oppressive.  What was she going to do?  She couldn’t tell her parents; she assumed they would disown her.  She couldn’t tell her pastor; after all, she was a “good girl.”  She couldn’t tell the college; she assumed she would lose her scholarship and her place with the incoming freshmen.  So, she found her ex and told him. 

He threatened to sue for custody; he threatened to make her life as miserable as possible.  He refused to sign for an adoption.  She had absolutely no intention of marrying him and raising a child with him.  She was scared and felt trapped.  Her only course of action seemed to be to terminate the pregnancy as soon after her eighteenth birthday as possible.  A friend – who had had an abortion the previous year – lent the money.  As hard as it is for me to write this, the girl in our story – me – had a second trimester abortion.  It was a two-day affair.  Her mother had guessed what was happening after the first day.  When cornered, our girl told her mother everything.  Instead of casting her away, though, her mother began to brainstorm ways that they could keep the baby.  She started listing support options.  The hardest thing our girl ever had to do was to tell her mother that it was too late.  The process had started, and it was irreversible.  The next day during the actual procedure, our girl cried throughout the entire ordeal.  She cried on the ride home.  And she made a promise to herself:  she would never marry.  And if, in some alternate reality she found someone who could love her – warts and all – and who she could give her entire heart to – if it was ever complete again – she would never have children.  She was not worthy.  She had her chance, and she squandered it.  How many chances does one person get at happiness?  How many chances does one person get before God cuts her off?  How many times can one person willfully and knowingly tear out her Savior’s heart?  How could she ever be whole again?  Thankfully, no matter how much a person hates herself, she can never outrun God’s love, but I’m getting ahead of myself. 

Our girl spent the rest of the summer keeping to herself and trying to rebuild some semblance of her life while preparing for college.  August rolled around, and she left for a school four hundred miles away, ready to start over.  She found a group of friends and threw herself into college life.  She learned to fake a smile and even got a job solely for the brightness of that smile.  She majored in biochemistry/pre-medicine.  And she stayed away from relationships altogether.  Her best friend in college, a guy, developed a crush but she kept him at arm’s length by telling him she wasn’t yet over her ex – which was actually true.  Her first love?  The boy who shattered her heart?  They were talking again……all night at times.  He said he wanted to try again.  She was ecstatic, but in reality, they were just phone conversations every night.  Then he changed his mind, over and over again.  Back and forth and back and forth – for the entire school year. 

Through it all, though, something happened.  Between the amazing atmosphere of Asbury College and the gentle healing of the Holy Spirit, our girl’s heart began to take shape again.  The spring semester ended, and our girl was ready to come home again.  Her first love wanted to meet to talk in person.  They did, and he told her she was his only love, and he thought they should try again.  Whether it was the healing or the vacillation of the previous year, our girl didn’t buy the pitch, and she told him she wasn’t sure she could handle that.  It might just be too “weird.”  Lo and behold, two days later he said that it would not work after all.  Instead of being crushed, our girl felt nothing.  And then something truly remarkable happened that weekend…

My Story - Part II: Desperation

We left off yesterday with a girl’s dreams (mine) in tatters.  She had found and subsequently lost love and lost faith in love.  Her world had been irrevocably altered.  Her three dreams had changed as well.  While she still wanted to change the world for the better, she no longer longed for the intimacy of marriage.  She no longer desired the presence of children.  The male species became simply a source of companionship.  She would go out every weekend with a different guy but only so that she would not have to be alone on a Saturday night. 

After several months, the loneliness became overwhelming.  Deciding to take another chance at a relationship, our girl placed a personal “ad” on yahoo’s website.  Her stipulations for her next male counterpart?  This guy would be nothing that her “prince” was and everything that he wasn’t.  Much to her detriment, our protagonist found such a man.  He was sweet and romantic.  He bought her roses every week and packed a lunch for her every morning.  He professed undying love and devotion.  He made our girl feel loved, valued, and wanted.  She did not love him, but that did not matter.  He was a pathological liar, but that did not matter.  He was a thief, but that did not matter.  She was wanted, and that’s all that mattered.  She used him, plain and simple.  She used him to make her feel beautiful and special.  He gave her a ring, and despite her shame at leading him on, she took it.  She never had any intention of marriage, but she traded her empty promises for his tokens of affection.  Unfortunately, her empty promises were not all she traded.  She gave everything she had left, but she had convinced herself that nothing mattered anymore.  After all, what was the physical worth when pieces of her heart were still scattered and lost to the wind?  She had poured every last piece of herself into the previous relationship; so what if she now gave up her “illusions” of physical purity?  Nothing that she had left to give was worth anything anymore, so she gave it away to an insignificant man. 

After six months with this man, she finally had enough.  She broke it off, and though he was chasing another girl, he continued to profess unending devotion.  Almost as if waking from a dream, this girl’s life went back to the way it was before.  Her grades – which had taken a hit when she was with this other man – improved.  She felt no remorse at the break-up.  She did not miss him at all.  One day she was with him, and the next she wasn’t.  She was preparing for college.  In fact, she was headed to her first choice on a scholarship.  Life was better – for a time.

Unfortunately, approximately a month after the separation, the consequences of our girl’s actions came calling.  She was seventeen years old……and pregnant.  Pregnant with the child of a thief and a liar.  Pregnant with the grandchild of drug addicts.  Pregnant and preparing to attend a small Christian college in the Bible belt.  Again, it felt as if her life were ending……