My Story - Part IV: Redemption

I have had such a hard time with writing this last segment of my past journey.  There is so much I want to get across to you, but I just cannot seem to find the words.  I have literally sat down every day since Thursday and written a different draft each day.  I have not been happy with any of them.  I am not sure why this part is the hardest for me to write.  It's a story of resolution and redemption.  It's a love story between a woman and a man and a woman and God.  It's about new beginnings and coming full circle.  Why is it so hard to capture the substance - the essence, if you will - of such a story?  Knowing that I have never been - and will never be - perfect, here is my best attempt to tell the culmination of that story.  Here's warning, though, this will be a long post.

The last thing I said was that something truly remarkable happened just a few days after realizing this girl's first love was truly not "the one."  That remarkable thing?  Our girl went to church and met the most "boring" man she had ever met in her life - or so she thought.  However, despite her first impression, and despite her earlier resolve to never get married, God wove the hearts of these two people together - and quickly.  The "boring" man was a wonderful man - kind and compassionate, gentle and generous.  He was intriguing and intelligent and challenging.  He was the best thing to ever walk into our girl's life and the greatest gift she had ever received.  Thirteen months after the two had met, they became husband and wife.

Their life together had its ups and downs, as all marriages do, but it was - and is - always rich.  There were questions, of course, as to why there were no children in such a happy union, but they were always fielded with grace.  With each passing year, our girl seemed to gain a new reason that children were a bad idea.  Her past certainly contributed as did things in her distant childhood.  This girl did not deserve the gift of children, and even if she did, she would not be a good steward of that gift.  Fears of being an abusive mother or an absent mother or - worst of all - a resentful mother simply piled upon the guilt of her previous actions.  She had the quiet support of her husband, and life was good.  Then something else remarkable happened.  Seven and a half years after they were married, on a long road trip to Michigan to visit our girl's college roommate, the subject of children came up again.  Six hours and several miles later this girl and her husband had discussed, rehashed, and discussed the topic some more.  Together they came to the decision that they would start trying.  One week later, at her yearly gyne appointment, her IUD was removed, and the couple was poised to become parents.

To say our girl was fine with the decision would be laughable.  She alternated between freaking out and wondering why it had not happened yet.  She was TERRIFIED.  She was excited.  The roller coaster continued for approximately nine months.  (Isn't it ironic that her vacillation lasted for the incubation period of a child?)  That's when she truly began to want a child.  Three months later when the couple still hadn't conceived, she made an appointment with her gyne yet again.  She had the fear that the abortion had altered her uterus or tubes.  The first step in the testing process was to test her husband.  There were problems there.  Still worried there were problems with herself, our girl returned to her doctor.  She had bloodwork and a radiological procedure to look for blockages or scar tissue.  There were none.  Physiologically there was nothing preventing our girl from conceiving.  The focus on the medical front became her husband, and they became poised for intrauterine insemination.  From there I have documented my journey here in this blog.  It's been tough, yes, but it has been healing and refreshing as well.

I want to leave you with a few thoughts and some encouragement. 

First of all, if you find yourself pregnant with no options, you are LOVED.  I know where you are.  I've been there.  I don't wish that on anyone.  PLEASE, please find someone you can trust.  Even if it's just me.  Contact me, comment anonymously, give me some way to contact you.  I want to support you.  I want so badly to help.  And I want to pray for you.

Secondly, if you have had an abortion, you are LOVED.  It's ok.  There is support; there is no condemnation.  Again, I've been there, and let me tell you, God loves you.  He is not out to punish you.  He is in the renewal and redemption business.  He cares, and so do I.  Please, find someone to walk the journey with you, even if it's me.  I may never meet you, but I love you.  My heart bleeds for you.  And I want to pray for you.

I leave you with these lyrics from Stellar Kart's song "Me and Jesus."

Someone loves you
Even when you don't think so
Don't you know
You got me and Jesus
By your side
Through the fight
You will never be alone
On your own
You got me and Jesus

Thank you for joining me on this journey, all of you.  I can't wait to see where it continues to take us!