Clomid, Round 2

I know, I'm a bit out of order, but I wanted to write my IUI blog while it was still fresh.  Leading up to that, though, was my second round of Clomid.  On the whole, this round was much easier.  There were much fewer zits (yay!) and no rampant fungal infection (BIG yay!).  I was, however, much more emotional.  I started the clomid Tuesday the 14th and continued it until Saturday the 18th.  Everything started making me weepy.  Between that and the debacle that was our trip home......  Let's just say I was happy when I got on a semi-even keel.  I say semi-even because I am still a bit weepy.

Since this round of clomid/IUI, the days are dragging.  These two weeks are crawling so slowly that I can see the weeds growing in my garden - millimeter by millimeter.  I am not a very patient person.  I just feel like I am in limbo, and limbo is not a very peaceful place to be.  Those two weeks between ovulation and the day your period is supposed to start are laden with "what ifs."  What if I'm pregnant?  I can't have caffeine if I am pregnant.  Can I dye my hair if I'm pregnant?  I can't go down to fluoroscopy (where we assist with procedures under xray) if I'm pregnant.  What if I refuse those things?  What do I say?  What excuse can I give?  I have done everything in my power to not have people discussing our baby situation.  In fact very few people in real life know that we have even been trying.  No matter what excuse I can imagine, people will talk.  Refusing coffee when I've been exhausted?  Not covering the sprout of gray at my right temple?  Refusing to do a part of my job without grounds?  And then there's always that other "what if."  What if I'm not pregnant?  *sigh*  I hate these two weeks.

On a side note, as for my previous blog on doubt, I know there will be days that I will feel hopeless.  What can I say?  I'm human, but I realized something.  The three gifts mentioned in 1 Corinthians 13 are faith, hope, and love.  These gifts are commonly treated as nouns - things - but they are words of intention, of action, as well.  Though I may *feel* hopeless, I can decide to hope.  Though I may doubt, I can choose to have faith.  In answer to my previous questions, I know God called me to be a mother.  I don't believe in coincidences; therefore, I cannot read too much into them.  And finally, even air is not thin if I am stepping out on faith.  Even if I fall, my Father's arms will catch me.

And like I said, I have a good feeling about this month.  Now can someone hurry up and invent a time machine so I can find out already?