Sanctuary

Lord prepare me to be a sanctuary,
Pure and holy, tried and true,
With thanksgiving, I'll be a living
Sanctuary for You

I have always loved this song.  It’s simple yet beautiful.  However, like many worship choruses, after a blazing run in popularity, it has faded into obscurity.  I started thinking on it this weekend.  I am one that if I am singing something, it had better be true.  Words are my lifeblood:  if they are spoken or written, I had better mean them.  Just ask my husband.  I can’t decide if I like a song on the radio or not until I have heard all the lyrics.  The melody, bass, or harmonies can be amazing, but if the lyrics do not reflect my heart in some way, I could do without the song.

So what does this song mean?  What is a sanctuary?  According to dictionary.com, a sanctuary is a “sacred or holy place” or a place “where fugitives were entitled to immunity.”  In other words, a sanctuary is a safe place where God dwells.  I would like to think that my heart meets those requirements.  It holds so many secrets – so many desires – deep inside and safe.  And I know my Lord lives there.  But is it holy?  Is it pure?  No, it is not.  I try.  I find myself falling at my Savior’s feet, begging for His heart to replace my own, but in all reality, my heart is still selfish, still human. 

And if I'm holy, as You are holy,
Then I'll see You, face to face.
Melt and mold me into Your image,
Take me to Your holy place.

What does it mean to be holy?  The college that I attended had “Holiness Unto the Lord” carved into its altar.  It was set apart, dedicated in whole to a God Who called us to such a life.  We are to be so holy that we are set apart. 

This last month – without the hustle and bustle of fertility treatments or worrying if I could be pregnant or not – has been a relief.  It’s been a sort of calm.  I have spent the time in preparation, if you will.  My healthy eating habits and hardcore exercise (if I’m not sweating buckets, I don’t feel like I’ve worked hard enough……) have returned.  My devotional time is more about spending time with a dear Friend and less about petitioning Him for a baby.  This weekend, preparation has been a huge theme for me.  I want a baby, yes, but I am not ready for one.  My husband is not ready for one.  That is hard to type and even harder to accept, but it is true.  This time – forced on me by our lack of excess funds – is a time of preparation.  I will use it as preparation for motherhood, yes, but most of all, I will use it as preparation to be a “sacred or holy place” that is honoring to my God. 

Lord prepare me to be a sanctuary,
Pure and holy, tried and true,
With thanksgiving, I'll be a living
Sanctuary for You

Do You See Christ or the Wind?

The last time I was able to go to church (ugh, 3 weeks ago..... just writing that phrase makes me irritated with my job......but I digress), God truly used the sermon to touch my heart.  Other than the Great Commission, my favorite story in all the Gospels is the one found in Matthew 14:22-33 - when Jesus and Peter walk on the water.  However, until a few Sundays ago, I had no idea the amount you could learn in those twelve verses.  Oh, and the funny thing?  I don't think the sermon had anything to do with what I took away from it.  Ha ha.

First of all, it's comforting to know that even those closest to Jesus - those who actually walked and talked physically with Him had moments of doubt.  But what I didn't realize was that Peter's doubt didn't just start once he was already out on the water.  Verse 28 says "IF it is You, command me to come to you."  In other words, if You are who You say You are, give me a sign.  I'll do whatever You say, but I have to be sure it's You.  The crazy part?  Just before Peter makes this statement, Jesus had said "Be of good cheer!  It is I, do not be afraid."  I wonder if God ever gets tired of us asking for confirmation.  Does He ever get exasperated?  Does He ever feel like "I've told you time and time again....how many times do you need Me to repeat Myself????" 

Once Peter gets out on the water, I can imagine all sorts of thoughts running through his head.  I know what would be going through mine.  For instance:  "ok, I know Jesus is God; HE can walk on water, but who am I?  I am NOT God; I can't walk on water, can I?  Uh, Jesus?  You sure you wanted me to step onto this raging, churning sea?  You do realize the laws of physics, right?  I mean, You made them, so You should know them.  Wait, He called me; He won't let me drown.  One step, two steps.....yeah, we can do this.  Oh, God, I can't reach the boat anymore.  I can't go back!  If this isn't what He wanted me to do, I'm screwed!  I am going to die, right here, because of what I THOUGHT was God calling me to something.  Oh, my, I'm losing my balance....."  And right about that time is when I imagine Peter "seeing the wind."  He begins to sink, but instead of despairing, he finds his faith again and calls to Jesus "Lord, save me!"  He didn't say "Hey, guys on the boat, come back!" or "Throw me a life preserver!"  He didn't simply sink, resigned to his fate.  He didn't rant against Jesus for telling him to step out of the boat.  No, when it counted, he knew Who would save him.  He knew Who held his life.

I don't believe, now, that this story is a story of doubts.  I believe this story is a true, real-life accounting of faith.  Yeah, Peter had his doubts.  But what faith it took to step out of the boat!  And, DESPITE his doubts, what faith it took to reach out to Jesus.  And what faith it took to not "blame" Jesus for his own failings. 

Over the last year and a half I have been at all points in this story.  I have been gung-ho; I have been cautiously optimistic; I have questioned timing.  I have even questioned the call.  I have seen the wind and waves - or physiological barriers.  And I have called out to be rescued as I was sinking.  But my journey on the water is not complete.  It's just beginning.  I can only hope that after the fact, my story is one of faith - just like Peter's.