Pain, Brokenness, and a Decision

I have spent the last eight days in a state of turmoil.  To be precise, I have been intermittently hysterical - even to the point of hyperventilation.  Wednesday night marked my first night terror in ten years.  I woke up from a horrible dream in which each of the fingers of my right hand had been drilled, and my skull had been drilled from the jaw upwards.  When I woke up, I couldn't feel my fingers or my teeth.  I could not breathe.  I could not relax.  All I could do was sob and run my tongue over my teeth and feel my fingers to ensure they were still intact.

TOM showed up the next day.

This time felt like my insides became my outsides, and the ensuing storm stirred up such raging emotions that can only be described as heart-wrenching loss.  So many things had me convinced that I would be pregnant.  Even the hubby thought "things were happening."  (His exact words)  When they weren't - when I wasn't - the world just tumbled down.  My hopes were more than "up."  My heart was set on this child that never even existed.  And now I am grieving the loss, even though there wasn't even something to lose. 

To top it all off, the hubby is under tremendous stress at work.  It came to a head Sunday evening when all of his stresses just came spewing out.  And one of them?  Despite my best attempts at redirecting responsibility, hubby still feels "at fault."  He is also having qualms about using birth control for the first 7.5 years of our marriage (I had an IUD).  He is wondering if we are being punished for attempting to wrest control from God and His timing.  Is there any way he could be right?

This keeps getting harder and more painful......and that brings me to the decision part.  I am a nurse with a critical care certification, but I do not have a bachelor's degree.  I can get my degree in 13 months or less.  We figured out a budget so that we would not have to take out a loan for me to finish, but in order to do it, we would have to forgo any further IUI treatments until next year.  Also, our anniversary trip that we were tossing around for our 10th anniversary next year would be tossed right out the window.  SO many emotions are wrapped up in this decision.  I would have my degree which I should have had quite awhile ago.  It would be nice to take a break from the monthly pressure cooker in which my heart has been housed.  But at the same time, it adds an entire year to our ages and consequently decreases our combined fertility.  I am having a hard time with this decision.  In truth, I'm just having a hard time in general.