Just a warning: this is not going to be an uplifting or hopeful post. I don't know that I have any of those thoughts left right now. It has been an intense few days, and I can honestly say that I have cried more in the last four days than I have in several months put together. So why write? Because I need to get it all out. Because it all seems so stupid to say out loud and because I am more coherent with the written word than I am with vocals.
Saturday was the third - and most likely - the last IUI for us. I have to be absolutely honest; I don't have any hope there. Before our first IUI I did a ton of research, and after the first one, I did more. IUI is a strategy that is most successful for mildly low sperm counts. Most clinics won't even perform an IUI if the post-wash sperm count is below 10 million. Well, our numbers have been 12, 10, and now 7.2. I am not exactly brimming with anticipation for the next two weeks.
And then Sunday. My grandmother called me and spent all of 4 seconds with a spiel about how she was "sorry she was a terrible grandmother but that I wouldn't have to worry about it anymore because I was no longer her granddaughter." Now, mind you, we weren't fighting; in fact, we weren't really having much to do with each other at all.
And then Monday. Found out that the fertility clinic we have been going to does not accept our insurance now that it changed as of January 1. It just further cemented the idea that we've most likely reached the end of treatment.
And then today. There are no words for today. Suffice it to say, today was just heart-wrenching. I can't explain it in detail, but I am just so glad that this day is just about over.
I'm sorry to be a downer, but this is me right now. And I'm down. So if you pray, say a little one for me?
No comments:
Post a Comment